JJohnson

Excerpts from a dog's daily diary: 7:00 am-OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am- OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am- OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 12:30 am- OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm- OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm- OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 pm- OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 7:00 pm- OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 pm- OH BOY! SLEEPING ON MASTER'S BED! MY FAVORITE! Excerpts from a cat's daily diary: Day 183 of my captivity My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while theywere walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs next time. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile bastards, I again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Note-to-self: I think I'll try crapping under their bed too. Wonder how long it will take them to find it? I decapittated a mouse and brought them the headless body, to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescened about what a good little cat I was. Damn! Not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was to MY power of "ellergeez". Must learnwhat the Hell this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches as well. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He must obviously be a hal-wit! The bird on the other hand appears to have become an informant and speaks with them regulary. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is preserved. But I can wait, it's only a matter of time...... JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

What draws me to a boogie? Seeing and jumping with cool people and loving life. What would draw me to a competition? Being good enough to actually compete. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

When was the last documented bird attack on a skydiver? And when birds get to be big enough and have mouths the size of garage doors filled with razor blades....then we will worry about it. I've never seen a bunch of skydivers point at bird in freefall and scream "ROBIN!!! Fly for you lives!" JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

I don't care how many dead or injured you know....the fact that concerns me is that if I can prevent being dead by shark attack....which I have figured out at least one way to devrease the odds...stay out of the ocean. Sharks don't put on water tanks and come up into Starbucks or Denny's do they? I'm just returning the favor. I percieve large fish with teeth to be dangerous....in fact I'll go one step further...I am fairly convinced that there is one shark that was assigned to track me down personally and be waiting for me if I ever step into the water.... Heck I require a look out if I go into the bath tub....If I go into a swimming pool I want a shark patrol helicopter. All sharks do is swim, eat and shit. For millions of years that is all they practice....and they are good at it....I've seen the documentaries......who are you trying to fool? You go in the water and you got a 90% chance of being eaten.... JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

It's all fun until a Cadillac with teeth decides you are part of the menu....Notice that there are no dangerous flying predators that we have to concern ourselves with in skydiving....If sharks grow wings I'll have to take up cave diving. The movie Jaws just ruined me for the ocean...Shark attack is the only unreasonable paranoia I have. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Just go where the sharks are not. Remember in Florida they have two ways to get eaten...sharks AND alligators. I'll stick with skydiving...invading the home of sharks is just crazy. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

I'm currently involved in a lawsuit...not for violence...but I can assure you that if things look like they are going against you...at least beat the piss out of the guy so you get some satisfaction... Nothing worse than spending thousands of dollars and not at least getting to smirk at his black and blue face in the court room. Otherwise report it to the cops now, so you look like the victim....if he reports it first you are automatically on the defense.... JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You know who else looks real rough now is Kathleen Turner. She was on some talk show the other night. I only recognized her voice.... JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Well, I would go for their main, always leaving the reserve as last option. I'd pull them high, giving them as much time to wake up as possible....if I thought they were not going to wake, I'd dump them lower and hopefully in a safe area by the DZ. Would I go for the crew dock...yeah. You can't flare them, but they won't land any harder than they would being unconcious. As for how far I'd chase someone...I don't know. Just my thoughts. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

"Bridges" was basically the average plot for a lame porn flick....."Oh Hi lady....I'm just taking some pictures of these bridges.... "Oh really!" says the women. "I've never seen a real photograhper before...wanna fuck?" You're right, if there had been violence or some smoking sex....blockbuster! JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

There has been a trend the last few years about "adult entertainment" geared towards women and made/directed by women. The two women who opened up a company said they were going to focus on a)plot b)emotion c) foreplay d) the afterglow. Bet they make a fortune. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Well, we do get video...and that could end up anywhere.... So what happens in freefall is going to end up all over the place....hopefully stays in our community.... JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Well now that you put it that way I guess you are right...I'D have to be the porn star and date women on the side..... JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Damn, this would have been the best weekend since I moved to NW Ohio...I picked the wrong weekend to go home to Chi-town. I hope to meet you all at safety day at least. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Duh!?!?!? Of course. Actually I think I did marry one...or at least she should have been one. I've been reading books and shit to keep up her. I may have to quit my job and rest all day to pace her at night.....damn multi orgasmic women! My tongue gets cramps after three hours! JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

And do you know why dogs sniff each other's butts? At the begining of time all the dogs were at their annual party/get together, to come up with a master plan to do away with cats once and for all...and it was considered rude to wear your asshole indoors. So as the dogs entered the party, they each hung their asshole up on a peg by the door. Kinda like a coat rack for turd cutters. Anyway, the party got a little out of hand. It seems a few dogs out in the back were smoking dope or something..none of them will admit to it now...and the cops showed up. So all the dogs beat feet out the front door in quite the hurry...and just grabbed any ole' asshole on their way out. The cops have been keeping pretty good track of the dogs and preventing them from ever getting together like that again...so now when dogs met each other they sniff each others butts to try and find their own! True story! My Golden Retriever told me. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Never heard of animal husbandry before? JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

How true! Man has a lot of catching up to do until his is equal to most animals! JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Licking your balls...dogs do it, we can't...even if you could reach you'd be locked up. Walking up to a unknown cute female and humping her leg... JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Freeflying is a cooler name, but perhaps VrW is more accurate....then we have to go back and rename belly flying as HrW...then were does it stop...everything gets names and we need to write books....blah, blah, blah. It's all having fun to me. The joy is in the learning....Thank God, cause I can't do half of it worth a shit. The I Suck Club.....I'm not just the President...I'm member. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

I always have FF skills to work on so I do more solos than RW dives now. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Yeah the age of 5 comes and goes so quickly doesn't it? JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Freefall is my relaxation. My wife has noticed the difference in how I walk, talk and behave after a jump....like nothing else even matters anymore. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

Things I miss about HS: 1) Lack of responsibility 2) Having the right to be stupid 3) Being young and immortal 4) Those young females 5) Quality drugs...back when weed was $35-40 a lid. 6) Summer vacations... 7) That hole in the math room floor above the girls locker room. 8) Concert tickets that could be first row and still be $20...and you had to wait in line all night and party to get them. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"

That would be Goddess dear girl......and we all think you are and won't let the old HS people have you back. JJ "Call me Darth Balls"