Divalent
-
Content
1,159 -
Joined
-
Last visited
-
Days Won
2 -
Feedback
0%
Everything posted by Divalent
-
Putin arrives in Mongolia and goes through customs Customs: Name? Putin: Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin Customs: Occupation? Putin: Not right now, maybe later.
-
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support machine.
-
I met a much older woman in a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't." We drank a bit more, staring at each other, and then she said with a wink, "well tonight's your lucky night". We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom...you still awake?"
-
Seems like something you could test. Mock up a replica, and drop it in a (very) remote area.
-
A baby seal walks into a club ...
-
A woman and her husband are in the emergency room and the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later, as couple is freaking out, he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."
-
Q: How do you get 200 Canadians out of a pool? A: Say "Please get out of the pool."
-
A lady at a retirement home sees a fellow retiree sitting outside all by his lonesome. She joins him and asks, "May I sit next to you?" He replies, "Only if you hold my dick." The woman is shocked and appalled but then thinks about how lonely she is, and slowly comes to term with the act and decides to acquiesce. She sits next to him, holds his penis, and puts a blanket on their laps to hide the deed. She enjoys this arrangement and its goes on for a week. On the weekend, her daughter comes and takes her away for a day or so on a recreational excursion. When the woman returns back she sees another woman sitting next to the man with the blanket on their laps. Knowing what they are doing she yells, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!? WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?!?" The man smiles and replies, "Parkinson's"
-
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.
-
A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take the $10,000 and shove it in the coffin with me.“ The man passes and the three men pay their respects. Afterwards, they are all talking. The doctor says “I know it’s medically impossible, but I have to admit I put $9000 in the coffin and kept $1000 for myself.” The engineer then chimes in. “I did all the calculations and realize it’s impossible also. But I have to admit I put $5000 in and left $5000 for myself.” The lawyer looks at them both with disgust. “I’m disappointed in both of you. This was his last wish and neither of you held up your end. I wrote him a check for the entire amount.“
-
Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken. "No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, 30+ years of seasons tickets, but she passed away, so her seat is now empty." "Why don’t you invite a friend?" "I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."
-
Well, why would you want to put it on that? Seems like it would be most valuable/useful to have it attached somehow to your main. (Unless you plan to have 2, with the 2nd on your free bag.)
-
I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.
-
Video Dump of Skydive Greene County Ohio 1997-2001
Divalent replied to slayer21016's topic in General Skydiving Discussions
I think this is probably the correct link: https://www.youtube.com/@FLY2KO/videos -
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
-
A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.” The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”
-
I make mistakes, and I’ll be the second to admit it.
-
To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.
-
The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 1 and 5 pm.
-
Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal. “Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!” “Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Sunday.”
-
I got a motorcycle for my wife last week. Best. Trade. Ever!
-
If you want a once-in-a-lifetime thrill, ... ... try skydiving without a parachute.
-
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
-
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
-
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
