Divalent
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Everything posted by Divalent
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I brought my girlfriend to the family Christmas dinner. My wife and kids weren't terribly happy about it.
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I only have two requests for when I die: 1) I want my remains scattered around Disneyland, and 2) I don't want to be cremated.
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Cathy: "I've got a wicked sore throat." Anna: "Whenever I have a sore throat, I give my husband a wonderful blow job and I'm cured straight away." Cathy: "Really?" Anna: "Try it and you'll see that I'm right." The next day they meet again. Anna: "So, did my advice work?" Cathy: "It worked! And your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs with steel balls? ... ... Sparky
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Three dogs are in the waiting room at the vet's, talking about why they are there. The first one, a chihuahua, says "I'm the world's greatest barker. I bark at everything. Non stop. You name it, I bark at it. My owner thinks if vet cuts my balls off I'll stop barking, so here I am." The second one, a labrador, says "I'm the world's greatest digger. I can dig holes in anything. My backyard looks like the surface of the moon. But I went too far and dug a hole in the floor. My owner thinks if the vet cuts my balls off, I'll stop digging. So here I am." The third one, a great dane, says "I'm the world's greatest humper. I hump everything. The couch. The chairs. Lamp posts. But this morning my owner bent down to pick something up and I couldn't resist, I jumped on and started humping her." "Oh," said the chihuahua. "So she wants to have your balls cut off too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
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An art dealer phones a painter and says: "I have good news and bad news." Painter: "Okay, what's the good news?" Art Dealer: "The good news is, a person came to the gallery today and asked about the value of your art. I showed him the current price on all your paintings. And when I mentioned that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them!" Painter: "Wow! That is GREAT news! So what's the bad news?" Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
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Concrete Rebound Hammer is always the last to post in a thread.
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
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well, sort of. But you have to be the last one. (Being next-to-last doesn't count)
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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job, girl! How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!" I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
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A wealthy art dealer is having a drink by his pool when his lawyer calls him... Lawyer: "I've got some bad news for you. Your wife has spent ten thousand dollars to purchase two pictures. She thinks she can get anywhere from ten to twenty million for the pair", says the lawyer. "That's not bad news! That's wonderful! That kind of profit margin is unheard of!", exclaims the dealer. "How is that possibly bad news?" The lawyer takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. "Well, they are pictures of you with your mistress."
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neither are you
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I'm in the lead!
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Concrete Rebound Hammer matters more.
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An old man is lying in a hospital bed. Feeling that these may be the last moments of his life, he says to his wife: "We have 7 children. The older 6 are all good looking, athletic, smart, symmetrical, outgoing, and responsible, but our seventh child is just about the complete opposite in all those ways. Tell me the truth, does he have a different father?" Wife: "Yes..." Husband: "Who's the father?" Wife: "You are."
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I arrived home and my wife was nowhere to be found, which was very unusual. Then I noticed a note on the fridge that said, "This isn’t working." I’m not quite sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
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True dat. Could even be this evening while everyone is sleeping.
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A man’s walking home late on a dark night when he notices a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks for a quickie!” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman. “What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer. “I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.” “Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
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Late at night the husband is browsing porn websites on his computer, thinking that his wife is sound asleep. The wife wakes up to go to the bathroom, and then without saying a word (and without the husband noticing) stands behind his back observing. All of a sudden, he hears her say: “Go back… another page. There! Those are the curtains I want for our bedroom.”
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Hi
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The last person to post in this thread wins! [And it looks like it is me]
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If I had a dollar for every time I didn't have sex, I could have sex all the time.
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My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother. That is, until my dad took her urn away from me.
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It takes guts to be an organ donor.
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When I was little, a strange old man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason. Now, after devoting my life to building a time machine of my own, I'm finally ready to go back to when he was little, and we'll see how he likes it!
