Divalent
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Everything posted by Divalent
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I came home today to find my kids have been on EBay all day. If they're still there tomorrow I will have to lower the price.
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Jack and his wife plan a safari to Africa. Because his mother-in-law had never been to that part of the world, his wife begged him to include her on the trip. Despite his misgivings, Jack relented. The trip goes quite well and all three are having a good time, enjoying all the sights and all the wild animals. One morning, Jack and his wife wake up to discover her mother not there. Concerned, they go out and start looking for her. Walking along the trail, they come to a clearing only to find the mother-in-law face to face with a very large lion. Jack's wife is very afraid. She says : "Jack, do something! Do something!" Jack looks the situation over carefully and ponders for a few moments. "Nope" he says, "That lion got himself into that predicament, he can get himself out."
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Panties aren’t the best thing in the world ... but they’re close to it.
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I'm like the fabric version of King Midas. Everything I touch becomes felt.
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A married couple was in a terrible accident, and the wife’s face was severely burned. The doctor told her they couldn’t graft any skin from her own body because she was too skinny. Her husband lovingly offered to donate some of his skin. However, the only suitable area to do the whole job was from his large buttocks. But it was a rather embarrassing situation, so they both agreed to keep that detail a secret, and the doctor promised not to say a word. After the surgery, everyone was amazed by the woman's transformation. She looked more radiant than ever! Friends and family couldn’t stop complimenting her fresh, youthful face. One day, deeply moved, she said to her husband, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever repay you?" He smiled and replied, "My love, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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You know you're old when... You Google search "memory loss" and are surprised to find that all of the links have already been clicked.
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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book seemingly forever? - Church
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I went to my doctor with a strange set of symptoms. He said: "I can’t determine the cause with certainty, but it would be best if you reduced your alcohol consumption and we’ll see if it improves." I said: "I got a better idea: how about if I increase it, and see if it gets worse?"
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My high school was so outdated that we used the same car for Drivers Ed and Sex Ed!
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Two blond guys ring the bell of a brothel. The Madam opens the door. -- What do you want? -- What can we get for five dollars? -- For five dollars you can jerk each other off in those bushes over there. She shuts the door. A 15 minutes later the bell rang again. The Madam opens the door. It's the same two blond guys: -- Who do we pay?
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Adam says to God, "I'm lonesome." God says, "I have just the thing for you--a beautiful creature who will: love you take care of you, keep you happy, never judge you, agree with everything you want, and never utter a cross word." Adam says, "Wow, that sounds great! But what'll it cost me?" God says, "Just an arm and a leg." Adam blanches. He thinks for a minute, then asks, "What can I get for a rib?"
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Mains can be packed by: 1. A rigger, OR 2. A person working under the supervision of a rigger, OR 3. The person who will jump that rig. (Ownership is not relevant). Military might be different, but in the sports world, there isn't a packing card for the main. (That would be pointless, time consuming paperwork: a rig might get jumped thousands of times during it's lifetime.)
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My girlfriend's dad is still mad at me because I took her virginity. I don't know why he won't let it go; I promised him that it won't happen again!
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Pick 2: Happiness, Being right, Being married
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A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'A Chance for Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Liam pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Liam guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Liam, along with his friend Finley, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Liam guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Finley said to Liam, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Liam replied, "No, it's genuine enough Finley. My wife won twice last week."
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My wife and I just landed roles in a new adult movie production! My wife will play the very sexy leading lady, and I will play her husband. Although it turns out I just have one line: "Bye, honey, I'm off to work now."
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Doctor: "Well, it looks like you’re pregnant." Woman: "Oh my God, I’m pregnant?" Doctor: "No. It just looks like you are."
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A longshoreman was at a convention in Las Vegas. He decided to visit one of the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she replied. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she told him. Somewhat offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the next brothel, the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," the madam informed him. "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam. She instead gestured to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, and said: "But Ethel here has seniority."
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Tuesday is Open Mike night at the amateur autopsy club!
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Good news! I just received notification of my new job at the post office. I start last week!
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A woman walks into a store and asks the clerk for four D-cell batteries. The clerk wagged his fingers beckoning the woman and said, "Come this way." The lady replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D-cell batteries".
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A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Fucking Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
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12 years ago today, my friend Dave came out running and screamed "It's a BOY!, it's a BOY!" with tears streaming down his face... We never went back to Thailand again.
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I just found out that the company that makes yardsticks won’t be making them any longer. Bummer.
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I am demi-asexual. I have to know a woman for a while before I won’t sleep with them.
