Divalent

If you throw someone out of a pub in Ireland and they come right back in ... then it's probably just Rick O'Shea

A friend told me that his girlfriend had left him. Me: "Why?" He: "She asked who I would choose for a threesome." Me: "Let me guess: you chose one of her friends?" He: "No, I chose two of of them."

Office manager to his boss: "Can I have Thursday and Friday off next week so I can travel with my wife to visit my mother-in-law?" Boss: "Certainly not!" Office manager: "Thanks so much! I knew you would be understanding."

Father: "Son, your mother and I have some news for you. You are adopted." Son: "I knew it! So who are my real parents?" Father: "We are. Your new parents are coming by in 30 minutes to pick you up, so get packing"

I doubt anyone would find if profitable to buy this place and coast on the earnings. IMO, it would take a lot of effort to revamp the place to slow the rate at which traffic here is declining. IMO, a big problem is that the number of forums is insane relative to the number of users, which balkanizes the interesting nuggets of information/discussion. Most forums haven't had a post in months, (and when they get one, it typically gets ignored). It's sad, but I think this place's era is long gone.

Just a heads up for those of you that hang out here, but don't check out other forums:

Smart 190 reserve

A husband and wife get into a huge argument. They are calling each other names, swearing, and throwing things at each. Finally the wife grabs a suitcase and throws a bunch of the husband's clothes into it and says, "that's it, I've had enough of you! Take this suitcase and GET THE HELL OUT!" As he's leaving, she hisses at him, "I want you to be miserable for every minute of the rest of your life!" The husband pauses, looks back at his wife with a confused look on his face and says "so you want me to stay now?"

not too dramatic, but the only one I survived. :-) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5gnJQybiZA

A lot of European family names were adopted from professions or actions that an ancestor was known for. Like Smith (works with metal, such as blacksmiths) or Fletcher (an arrow maker) or Thatcher (one who thatched roofs). The Dickinson’s must have an awkward family history.

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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when she saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

My wife told me that she wants to donate some of her clothes to the hungry. I said whoever can fit her clothes definitely isn’t hungry. Anyway, they say the swelling will go down in a couple of days.

The fact that there is a Stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell... ... tells you all you need to know about the anticipated traffic volume.

I was sitting on the sofa last night watching TV, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, "Do you ever get pains on the chest like someone's got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No." Then she asked, "How about now?

I was arguing with my wife, and she bragged that women are better at multitasking. I asked her to sit down and shut up, but she couldn’t do either!

I'm absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class last night. I've never run so far in all my life!

A 60 year old multi-millionaire got married to a 20 year old model. When his friends asked him how he did it, he said: "I lied about my age." They then asked: "Ah, so you said you were 40?" He answered: "No I said I was 90."

An old couple are sitting in church when the old woman turns to her husband and whispers "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" The Husband says "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him. "Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously. The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?" Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news." The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning." "Oh no!" gasped Wilkens. After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?" The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch." Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?" The trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."

A 60 year old man goes for his annual checkup. After receiving a clean bill of health, he asks the doc if he's going to live to be 100. Doc asks him a few questions: "Do you smoke cigars?" "Nope" replies the man. "Do you drink?" "Nope" Replies the man a second time. "Do you use psychedelic drugs and eat rich foods?" "Nope" says the man. "Do you skydive or engage in other adrenaline sports?" "Nope" say the man. "Do you drive fast cars and have sex with loose women?" "Nope and nope" says the man. Doc replies "Then why the fuck do you want to live to be 100?"

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church. But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

At a conference of religious leaders, three of the most prominent individuals got into a discussion of which of them had the strongest faith and ability to convert the heathens. One was a Catholic Priest, one a Baptist Minister, and one a Jewish Rabbi. As the night went on, and each one's claims became more fanciful, one of them claimed "I bet I could convert a bear." Rather than challenge the claim, the other two insisted they could convert a bear as easily as he. They decided they would make it a challenge, each would find and attempt to convert a bear the next weekend in Yellowstone National Park. After that weekend, the Priest and the Minister happened to bump into each other at the local hospital, where each was making the rounds to visit patients from their particular denominations. "I did it!" claimed the Priest. "I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion." The Priest did have a few scratches on him, but nothing bad. The Minister also had a few small cuts and bruises, but nothing major. "I too succeeded in my efforts. I found a bear by the stream, preached God's holy word and he let me baptize him in the river." The two of them rejoiced in their successes and were about to part ways when a couple of paramedics came rushing by with a gurney on their way to the emergency room. On the gurney was the Rabbi and he was a mess. He had cut and bite marks all over him and at least a dozen broken bones. He was barely conscious, but was able to identify his colleagues as they followed alongside him. He gestured them close to his mouth and in a strained voice he said to them, "maybe I shouldn't have started with circumcision."

I took your mother to the cinema last night and apparently the sex was too graphic. Everyone asked us to stop.

A man and his trainer are preparing for a Championship Wrestling Match. The trainer tells the man, "You're lean, you're strong, and you're skilled. If you give him all you've got, you can win this. But beware; whatever you do, don't let him get you in the twisted pretzel hold. No one has ever gotten out of the twisted pretzel hold." The competition begins, and wouldn't you know it: just ten seconds into the match and the man is locked up in a twisted pretzel hold. The trainer, livid, turns and slowly heads for the locker room. When the bell rings about 10 seconds later, the trainer glances over his shoulder, and to his surprise, the referee is holding his fighter's hand in the air. Shocked, the trainer runs back into the ring and says, " What happened? He had you in the twisted pretzel hold, no one has ever gotten out of the twisted pretzel hold." The man replies, "Well, he had me all twisted up in that hold. I thought I was done for. I couldn't move my legs, I couldn't move my arms. I couldn't move my body at all. But just as I was about to give up all hope, I looked up and saw a big pair of balls in my face. I opened my mouth and bit as hard as I could. Two seconds later I had him pinned. And let me tell you, you cannot not believe how much strength you have within you until you bite yourself in the nuts."