Divalent

My wife told me that she wants to donate some of her clothes to the hungry. I said whoever can fit her clothes definitely isn’t hungry. Anyway, they say the swelling will go down in a couple of days.

The fact that there is a Stairway to Heaven and a Highway to Hell... ... tells you all you need to know about the anticipated traffic volume.

I was sitting on the sofa last night watching TV, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, "Do you ever get pains on the chest like someone's got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No." Then she asked, "How about now?

I was arguing with my wife, and she bragged that women are better at multitasking. I asked her to sit down and shut up, but she couldn’t do either!

I'm absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class last night. I've never run so far in all my life!

A 60 year old multi-millionaire got married to a 20 year old model. When his friends asked him how he did it, he said: "I lied about my age." They then asked: "Ah, so you said you were 40?" He answered: "No I said I was 90."

An old couple are sitting in church when the old woman turns to her husband and whispers "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" The Husband says "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him. "Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously. The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?" Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news." The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning." "Oh no!" gasped Wilkens. After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?" The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch." Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?" The trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."

A 60 year old man goes for his annual checkup. After receiving a clean bill of health, he asks the doc if he's going to live to be 100. Doc asks him a few questions: "Do you smoke cigars?" "Nope" replies the man. "Do you drink?" "Nope" Replies the man a second time. "Do you use psychedelic drugs and eat rich foods?" "Nope" says the man. "Do you skydive or engage in other adrenaline sports?" "Nope" say the man. "Do you drive fast cars and have sex with loose women?" "Nope and nope" says the man. Doc replies "Then why the fuck do you want to live to be 100?"

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church. But it's a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

At a conference of religious leaders, three of the most prominent individuals got into a discussion of which of them had the strongest faith and ability to convert the heathens. One was a Catholic Priest, one a Baptist Minister, and one a Jewish Rabbi. As the night went on, and each one's claims became more fanciful, one of them claimed "I bet I could convert a bear." Rather than challenge the claim, the other two insisted they could convert a bear as easily as he. They decided they would make it a challenge, each would find and attempt to convert a bear the next weekend in Yellowstone National Park. After that weekend, the Priest and the Minister happened to bump into each other at the local hospital, where each was making the rounds to visit patients from their particular denominations. "I did it!" claimed the Priest. "I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion." The Priest did have a few scratches on him, but nothing bad. The Minister also had a few small cuts and bruises, but nothing major. "I too succeeded in my efforts. I found a bear by the stream, preached God's holy word and he let me baptize him in the river." The two of them rejoiced in their successes and were about to part ways when a couple of paramedics came rushing by with a gurney on their way to the emergency room. On the gurney was the Rabbi and he was a mess. He had cut and bite marks all over him and at least a dozen broken bones. He was barely conscious, but was able to identify his colleagues as they followed alongside him. He gestured them close to his mouth and in a strained voice he said to them, "maybe I shouldn't have started with circumcision."

I took your mother to the cinema last night and apparently the sex was too graphic. Everyone asked us to stop.

A man and his trainer are preparing for a Championship Wrestling Match. The trainer tells the man, "You're lean, you're strong, and you're skilled. If you give him all you've got, you can win this. But beware; whatever you do, don't let him get you in the twisted pretzel hold. No one has ever gotten out of the twisted pretzel hold." The competition begins, and wouldn't you know it: just ten seconds into the match and the man is locked up in a twisted pretzel hold. The trainer, livid, turns and slowly heads for the locker room. When the bell rings about 10 seconds later, the trainer glances over his shoulder, and to his surprise, the referee is holding his fighter's hand in the air. Shocked, the trainer runs back into the ring and says, " What happened? He had you in the twisted pretzel hold, no one has ever gotten out of the twisted pretzel hold." The man replies, "Well, he had me all twisted up in that hold. I thought I was done for. I couldn't move my legs, I couldn't move my arms. I couldn't move my body at all. But just as I was about to give up all hope, I looked up and saw a big pair of balls in my face. I opened my mouth and bit as hard as I could. Two seconds later I had him pinned. And let me tell you, you cannot not believe how much strength you have within you until you bite yourself in the nuts."

Putin arrives in Mongolia and goes through customs Customs: Name? Putin: Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin Customs: Occupation? Putin: Not right now, maybe later.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support machine.

I met a much older woman in a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, "No, I haven't." We drank a bit more, staring at each other, and then she said with a wink, "well tonight's your lucky night". We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom...you still awake?"

Seems like something you could test. Mock up a replica, and drop it in a (very) remote area.

A baby seal walks into a club ...

A woman and her husband are in the emergency room and the woman is giving birth. As soon as the baby comes out the doctor grabs it and starts flailing it around beating it on the table and walls. 10 seconds later, as couple is freaking out, he stops and says "Haha, Just kidding. It was already dead."

Q: How do you get 200 Canadians out of a pool? A: Say "Please get out of the pool."

A lady at a retirement home sees a fellow retiree sitting outside all by his lonesome. She joins him and asks, "May I sit next to you?" He replies, "Only if you hold my dick." The woman is shocked and appalled but then thinks about how lonely she is, and slowly comes to term with the act and decides to acquiesce. She sits next to him, holds his penis, and puts a blanket on their laps to hide the deed. She enjoys this arrangement and its goes on for a week. On the weekend, her daughter comes and takes her away for a day or so on a recreational excursion. When the woman returns back she sees another woman sitting next to the man with the blanket on their laps. Knowing what they are doing she yells, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!? WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T HAVE?!?" The man smiles and replies, "Parkinson's"

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.

A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take the $10,000 and shove it in the coffin with me.“ The man passes and the three men pay their respects. Afterwards, they are all talking. The doctor says “I know it’s medically impossible, but I have to admit I put $9000 in the coffin and kept $1000 for myself.” The engineer then chimes in. “I did all the calculations and realize it’s impossible also. But I have to admit I put $5000 in and left $5000 for myself.” The lawyer looks at them both with disgust. “I’m disappointed in both of you. This was his last wish and neither of you held up your end. I wrote him a check for the entire amount.“

Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken. "No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, 30+ years of seasons tickets, but she passed away, so her seat is now empty." "Why don’t you invite a friend?" "I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."

Well, why would you want to put it on that? Seems like it would be most valuable/useful to have it attached somehow to your main. (Unless you plan to have 2, with the 2nd on your free bag.)