Divalent

A couple were making mad passionate love when there came the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. The woman said, "Oh no. My husband. Go hide in the closet!" About halfway into the closet, the guy suddenly stopped for a moment and said, "Wait just a minute! I am your husband! ... I have a few questions for you." The woman replied, "And seems I have a few for you, too."

Any motorcycle will last you a lifetime ... if you ride it fast enough.

A rich lawyer was driving along in his stretch limo when he saw a humble man eating grass by the roadside. Ordering his chauffeur to stop, he rolled down the window and called to the man: “Why are you eating grass?” “Because, sir,” he replied, “we don’t have enough money for proper food.” “Come with me, then,” said the lawyer. “But sir, I have a wife and seven children.” “Even better! Bring them all along.” The man and his family climbed gratefully into the limo. “Sir, you are too kind. How can I ever thank you for taking all of us with you, offering a new home to total strangers?” “No, you don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “The grass at my mansion is two feet high."

Three ladies are in the locker room at their club's gym, dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly a man runs into their room wearing a sheet that covers him completely except for his penis sticking out through a hole. He did a little dance in front of them, then ran off. Lady 1: "I wonder if that was my husband." Lady 2: "Definitely not your husband, nor mine either." Lady 3: "Yes, he's not even a member of this club."

A man is in his home office watching porn on his PC when his wife walks in and he quickly switches to golf videos. She tosses him the day's mail that just arrived, and as she leaves she says to her husband. "Switch back to the porn; you already know how to play golf."

A young couple was having difficulty getting pregnant, despite desparately wanting a child. Three years in a row she miscarried, and her doctor said each one was due to some developmental deformity. They decided to use the power of positive thinking on their next attempt: praying every night for a perfect child, telling each other every day that this one will be just absolutely perfect, imagining life with a perfect child, etc. Lo and behold, she made it to the 9th month, and then delivered her child! Her doctor said, as he caught the child, "Well, it appears you have given birth to a 8 lb 5 oz eyeball." Mother: "An eyeball? An EYEBALL?! Oh no! Could this ever be worse?" Doctor: "Yes. It's blind"

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed every biscuit had the ship’s insignia embossed on it. He was impressed and called in the cook to ask him how he did this. Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven. Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic. Cook: In that case, sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" And sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "You two will be chained together for all eternity. Now go." The chained couple departs, and the other two women asked St Peter why? He said, "she stepped on a duck, and so as punishment she gets chained to an ugly man for the rest of time." The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and almost immediately along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together and says: "You two will be chained together for all eternity. Now go." The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together and tells them to get along. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

"One time I farted so long that I was surprised my butt didn't have to stop and catch its breath." Interviewer: "... and an occasion that you are not so proud of?"

A Rabbi and the Priest who go for a bush walk together and come across a beautiful lake. Hot and sweaty, but with no swimsuits, they decide to take a quick dip in the nude. A few minutes into their swim and they see two buses arrive, one filled with the Rabbis congregation and one filled with the Priests parishioners. The Priest covers his genitals and makes a mad dash for his clothes. He briefly turns to check on his friend the Rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. "Rabbi! What are you doing?" He yells. The Rabbi replies, "In my congregation, they recognize me by my face!"

My wife is the most suspicious person I know. If I come home early, she suspects I want sex. And if I come home late, she suspects I’ve already had it.

Well, apparently not exclusively a guy thing. The article actually has a photo of a woman groping her, lol.

I couldn't afford an Ancestry DNA kit. So I announced that I had won the lottery. I soon found out who all my relatives are.

The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island, stranded alone for over ten years surviving, on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks his eyes trying to figure out if he’s dreaming. When he refocuses it’s like a scene from a movie: the woman has taken off her mask and is shaking out long hair, water droplets glinting in the afternoon sunlight. He can tell she’s stunning. He sits there as she walks across the sand dropping her scuba gear as she goes. She stops standing in front him, drops her dive bag, and says, "been here long mister?" He can only nod his head while he looks for his voice. She laughs and asks, "you smoke?" He nods again and she unzips the dive bag and pulls out a couple of cigars and a lighter. She pops them in her mouth and lights them both before handing one over to him. They smoke together in silence while he drinks in her beauty. A few minutes later she asks, "you drink?" He nods again, still mute, and she reaches into her dive bag and removes a bottle of 20 year old scotch and two glasses. She pours a couple fingers of scotch in each and hands one to him before replacing the bottle of scotch and setting the dive bag aside. She sways seductively while humming as they drink the scotch together. When both glasses are empty she smiles and takes his glass, setting both aside on the ground. Standing up she starts unzipping the front of her wetsuit and asks suggestively, "Do you want to play around?" The man stands up breathing heavily, eyes following the slowly descending zipper. He stutters, eyes wide as he finally finds his long unused voice and says, "You mean to tell me you’ve got golf clubs too?"

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck and a half, Deer nuts are under a buck.

Doctor: "Mr Smith, I’ve got your results, and we need to talk about them. But before we start, you should know ..." Mr Smith: "Doc, can you get to the point? I don’t have all day." Doctor: "Oh, so apparently someone already told you!"

A kid: "Mom, was I adopted?" Mom: "Yes, but it didn’t work out, so they made us take you back"

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

A doctor just finished up performing a physical on a patient. Doctor: "Your biggest problem under your control is that you are obese" The patient got defensive, and said to him: "Look, my sister is obese. My brother is obese. My mother is obese. My father is obese. My kids are obese. My grandparents are all obese. Obesity runs in my family!" Doctor, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

A papa mole was leading his wife and their two baby moles through their tunnel beneath a grocery store. At one point, the papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the sugar now.” A short stretch later he stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the honey now.” A bit further and papa mole stopped yet again, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the maple syrup now.” After the moles got home, the two baby moles asked their mamma whether she was able to smell the sugar, honey, and maple syrup. She said, “Not as well as your papa, but yes. Couldn’t you two smell them?” The baby moles looked at each other and one spoke up, “To be honest, all we could smell was molasses.”

Today I overheard my son talk back to my wife. She told him to do something and he told her, "No." So I had to pull him aside to talk to him and said, "Son, can you teach me how to do that?"

Did you try calling them? Phone # is listed on their web site: (503) 630-5867 https://skydiveaglecreek.com/

A very sad situation in my family: my grandfather is addicted to viagra. No one is taking it harder than my grandma!

One day, after a decade of practicing medicine, a gynecologist decided he was bored with his job and wanted a change. He realized that he had spent many years working with his hands, and so he decided he would switch to a career that would also require the use of his hands. Not wanting the stress of being a medical professional, he decided to attend vocational school to learn to be an automotive mechanic. He worked really hard and studied day and night. But when the results of his final exam came in, he was quite perplexed: he got a 150% on the test. The doctor figured this had to be a mistake so he called his instructor at the vocational school. Doc: "there must be some mistake. It says I got a 150% on the final exam. Could you explain why my score was so high?" Instructor: "well, for the first part of the test you disassembled the car's engine perfectly. That counts for 50 points on your test." "You then reassembled the engine perfectly. That got you another 50 points." "But the last 50 points are bonus points, because none of us instructors have ever seen anyone do all of that by working exclusively through the exhaust pipe."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me." she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right once I get to hospital." the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands between his legs. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered the most tender and artful massage for several long minutes until he exploded in his pants. She smiled shyly and asked, "How does that feel?". "Feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"