Divalent
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Everything posted by Divalent
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Two priests are traveling by car when they are stopped by a police officer. The officer approaches the car and says to the priest that is driving, "I'm sorry for stopping you, fathers, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters." The driver looks at his fellow priest for a moment, then turn to the officer and says, "Okay, officer, we'll do it."
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A deaf man and deaf woman were just married. On morning after their honeymoon, they were having a sign-language discussion about sex. Specifically, how to make their wishes known with the lights out. The wife began by signing: "When you want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze it twice." The husband replied: "Great. So when you want to have sex, reach over and stroke my penis once. When you don't want to have sex, stroke it a hundred times."
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It will be interesting to see whether or not folks migrate back here. (I bet a good number will take the opportunity to withdraw from what was mostly just a time waster, even if they find out it still exists.)
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A man died and went to Heaven. St Peter says to him “Before you meet with God, I should tell you ,we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a little old lady who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
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Studies have shown that women who gain seven or more pounds over the holidays have a longer life expectancy… …than the men who point it out.
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But the DB Cooper folks haven't missed a beat, lol!
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my neighbor with the big boobs is mowing the lawn naked again. I wish his wife would do the same sometimes
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden... He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
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So this thread still lives?
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Well, I try again. This site is getting extremely slow, so probably getting close.
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[In case it bugs off a day early]
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A handsome man in a suit approached a young woman at a bar and asked if he could buy her a drink. “Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends.” He looked downcast, "No, we broke up just over a month ago." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said. “OK then, I'll have a white wine please." One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss & a cuddle they headed off back to her place for some wild uninhibited sex. While he was getting dressed, she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" “My wife found out,” he answered.
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I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, "Of course not! Why would we choose YOU?"
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I brought my girlfriend to the family Christmas dinner. My wife and kids weren't terribly happy about it.
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I only have two requests for when I die: 1) I want my remains scattered around Disneyland, and 2) I don't want to be cremated.
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Cathy: "I've got a wicked sore throat." Anna: "Whenever I have a sore throat, I give my husband a wonderful blow job and I'm cured straight away." Cathy: "Really?" Anna: "Try it and you'll see that I'm right." The next day they meet again. Anna: "So, did my advice work?" Cathy: "It worked! And your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!"
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs with steel balls? ... ... Sparky
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Three dogs are in the waiting room at the vet's, talking about why they are there. The first one, a chihuahua, says "I'm the world's greatest barker. I bark at everything. Non stop. You name it, I bark at it. My owner thinks if vet cuts my balls off I'll stop barking, so here I am." The second one, a labrador, says "I'm the world's greatest digger. I can dig holes in anything. My backyard looks like the surface of the moon. But I went too far and dug a hole in the floor. My owner thinks if the vet cuts my balls off, I'll stop digging. So here I am." The third one, a great dane, says "I'm the world's greatest humper. I hump everything. The couch. The chairs. Lamp posts. But this morning my owner bent down to pick something up and I couldn't resist, I jumped on and started humping her." "Oh," said the chihuahua. "So she wants to have your balls cut off too?" "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
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An art dealer phones a painter and says: "I have good news and bad news." Painter: "Okay, what's the good news?" Art Dealer: "The good news is, a person came to the gallery today and asked about the value of your art. I showed him the current price on all your paintings. And when I mentioned that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them!" Painter: "Wow! That is GREAT news! So what's the bad news?" Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
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Concrete Rebound Hammer is always the last to post in a thread.
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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
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well, sort of. But you have to be the last one. (Being next-to-last doesn't count)
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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job, girl! How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!" I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
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A wealthy art dealer is having a drink by his pool when his lawyer calls him... Lawyer: "I've got some bad news for you. Your wife has spent ten thousand dollars to purchase two pictures. She thinks she can get anywhere from ten to twenty million for the pair", says the lawyer. "That's not bad news! That's wonderful! That kind of profit margin is unheard of!", exclaims the dealer. "How is that possibly bad news?" The lawyer takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. "Well, they are pictures of you with your mistress."
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neither are you
