bluefingers

ROTFLMAO here's one nacmac *passes a virtual beer Kerry

Kerry

naah, I still love south africa Kerry

I know all about that!!!! But I am convinced that I have done my last one ever ..... next jump, will pass the level ... now if only they'd fix the plane!!! Kerry

Naaah, just arrogant and opinionated Think you need to stop drinking and go to bed now dear ..... Kerry

LMAO!!! ... and whoever puts a wall around my garden for free gets the contract .... Kerry

Ok, I'll start .... this was my first 3sec delay (I have since done another three of them, and have yet to pass, but this one was most memorable). K "I am tumbling end over end into my darkness, hearing voices of theory, voices of query, dark voices, near me. And reason is drowned by the sound of a hammer, clamour is confusion. Plunged into shadows of mystery, catch my breath, frightened ..... I will not face death still uninvited" ... Faithless lyrics, and they were moving through my head as we were climbing to altitude. That fear that almost incapacitates a person was back ..... why? This time, the pressure was on, I HAD TO PULL A RIPCORD! YEs, I can finally call myself a skydiver and have a grand total of 3 seconds free fall time. IT may not sound like much, but believe me it is a big milestone in my life, a goal achieved, and proof that I can control my mind and harness my fear. If I can leap through cloud at 5200ft, knowing full well that my safety was completely in my own hands now, then I can do anything. IT was the most incredible sensation, like falling through liquid, and what a pleasure not to be jerked around by the static line! Things went well for the first 2 1/2 seconds, then for some reason, (I didn't even realise I had done it, that's how quickly it happened) my right knee came up, I flipped onto my back, and watched my pilot chute stretch into the sky between my feet - yup, I was head down, on my back when I pulled. NOt good. Despite this, I loved those short few seconds, and was even a tad disappointed when my canopy opened. Because I deployed at a higher altitude, it took me FOREVER to spiral out of the clouds (nothing but this expanse of white, I couldn't see a thing). It was eery to say the least, almost to the point of claustrophobia, but not quite. My landing was fine, and I couldn't wipe the smile off my face for the rest of the day - I was on such a high. In fact, about 20 minutes after my jump, I was chatting to someone about the whole thing, and promptly burst into tears! My hands started shaking, and I was laughing at the same time .... I guess it was the aftermath of that incredible adrenalin jolt, and it was a pretty emotional moment for me, seeing as I have wanted to do it for so long. Kerry

Diary of a South African who moved to Canada to escape the crime! November 14th It started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife took out buttered buns and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. November 15th We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. But the driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shovelled again. November 16th It snowed an additional twelve centimetres last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish grey. November 17th Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tyres for both cars. Slipped on my arse in the driveway,paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing broken. More snow and ice expected. November 18th Still cold. Sold my wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work. Slid on the guard-rail and did considerable damage to the right quarter panel. Had another 15 centimetres of white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shovelling in store for me today. That damn snowplough came by twice yesterday. November 19th 2 degrees outside! More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the fucking house down. I managed to put the flames out but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car slid on the white shit on the way to the hospital and was totalled. November 20th Mother fucking white kak keeps coming down! I have to put on all the clothes I own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch that son of a bitch that drives that fucking snowplough, I'll chew open his chest and rip his heart out. I think he hides around the fucking corner and waits for me to finish shovelling, then comes down the street at about160km/hr and buries our driveway again. Fucking power still off. The shithouse froze and parts of the roof have started to cave in November 21st Twelve more centimetres of fucking snow and fucking ice and fuck knows what other kind of fucking white shit fell last night. I wounded the fucking snowplough poes with a pick, but the bastard got away. The wife has fucked off and left me. The fucking car won't start and I think I'm going fucking snow-blind. I can't move my fucking toes, haven't seen the fucking sun in weeks and there's more fucking snow predicted. Wind chill is 30 fucking degrees below zero!! November 22nd FUCK THIS! I am moving back to South Africa! Kerry

aaaah .... don't tease! I would like nothing more than to get home and have a good meal waiting. I love and appreciate food, but cooking for one is no fun Kerry

I didn't find any of them funny .... Kerry

remember the thread about pet peeves? That's mine Kerry

Bwaahaaahaaa sorry nacmac, .... Kerry

Hey! I noticed the grammatical error (sheesh there are bunch of English professors on this site)

Kerry

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother." The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long-forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen. The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered: ....... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me now"......... Kerry

oh my ...... Kerry

little miss muffet sat on a tuffet her clothes all tattered and torn it wasn't a spider that crept in beside her but little boy blue and his horn Kerry

Humpty dumpty sat on a wall humpty dumpty had a great fall All the kings horses and all the kings men said Fuck him, he's only and egg Kerry

LMAO .... actually, my boss' name IS Mary ... oh this made my day... Kerry

oh the tears!!!!!! these are too hysterical ... I'm going to get fired in a minute!!! Kerry

LMAO "Always try to be a little gay and to make things interesting for him" ...... Every man's dream, right? Kerry

Hey I live in one of those. In Natal our "treffik Kops" have a policy of zero tolerance .... would account for the umpteen million times I get pulled over for speeding. Fortunately they don't seem to keep track very well. I've got about 3 that have been outstanding for about a year ... or maybe I'm just lucky. Kerry

Reminds me of the family pets. Two cats: Yuck Foo and Cooking Fat. Sausage dog called Lofty Kerry

I should know this what can I say, it's been a long day, and I just cut & pasted .... tks Kerry

A bit long, but some of these are hysterical! Clear Metaphors from Student Essays: Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had it's two other sides gently compressed by train doors. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36a.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other fromTopeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. Kerry