DrunkMonkey

George W. Bush Resume Past work experience: Ran for congress and lost. Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie. Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas, company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using tax-payer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox. With fathers help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas. Accomplishments: Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union. Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money. Set record for most executions by any Governor in American history. Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my fathers appointments to the Supreme Court. Accomplishments as president: Attacked and took over two countries. Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury. Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history. Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period. Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market. First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner. First president in US history to enter office with a criminal record. First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history. After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history. Set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips than any other president in US history. In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job. Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in US history. Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period. Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history. Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television. Signed more laws and executive orders circumventing the Constitution than any president in US history. Presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed. Presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have. Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans. Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. (http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/marches/) Dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history. My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history. Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (the 'poorest' multi-millionaire, Condoleezza Rice has an Chevron oil tanker named after her). Had more states to simultaneously go bankrupt than any president in the history of the United States. Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world. Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States. Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in US history. First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission. First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring board. Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history. Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant. Withdrew from the World Court of Law. Refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions. First president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US elections). All-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations. My biggest life-time campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation). Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history. First president in US history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community. First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1) First US president to establish a secret shadow government. Took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history). With a policy of 'dis-engagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years. Fist US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability. First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea. Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts. Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'. Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects. In the 18 months following the 911 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States. Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history. In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war. Entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down. Records and References: At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available). AWOL from National Guard and Deserted the military during a time of war. Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use. All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view. All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view. All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view. Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public review. For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

Sung to the tune of "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" by B.J. Thomas) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (instrumental intro) Polls drop, keep filling Bush with dread. And Shrub's asking why defeat looms so big; more troops dead. Bluffing, full of sh*t. Those... polls drop, keep filling Bush with dread, They keep fallin'... His Poppy tried; there's no talkin' to Dim Son. 'Cause Shrub said he didn't like how Pop left things "undone" - Saddam in Iraq. Those... polls drop, keep filling Bush with dread, They keep fallin'... But this dumb king said no. His views won't bend so neatly; used deceit, he... Won't admit wrong; his Iraq mess f**ked up completely. (brief instrumental break) Polls drop, keep filling Bush with dread. Disaster is seen; his lies harpooned, with more troops dead. Lyin' still is he. Through... poll levers, gonna stop his reign; Bush is waning. Vote while you're free. A war criminal, he... (instrumental riff) Won't admit wrong; his Iraq mess f**ked up completely. Polls drop, keep filling Bush with dread. Disaster is seen; his lies harpooned, with more troops dead. Lyin' still is he. Through... poll levers, gonna stop his reign; Bush is waning. Vote while you're free. A war criminal, he... (instrumental fade)

Ditto. I say that despite the fact that the US Dept of Defense has my DNA on file.

Several hundred rodents roaming freely about the grounds of the former Chanute AFB... Ground beef secretly put into the vegetarian/vegan food sold. An ill-tempered weasel named "Phil." Finding a large Asian man named "Skeeter." Flatulence fueling food served at every meal. If not, at least public sex acts...

Yep...Just rent "GATTACA." Scary shiznit...

I love my job/being in the USAF. I live in Albuquerque, a great city, and I am responsible for multi-billion dollar weapons test & eval programs...It doesn't get much better for me...

WE HAVE A WINNER!!

It's a good thing puppies are cute...otherwise we wouldn't put up with the chewing and shitting on the carpet... But yes, it's a cute pup...

Is the performer "The Sandman?" I was hypnotized by him in OKC about a year ago... It's like being drunk...everything you do seems like a good idea at the time...along with the requisite fuzzy memory...

Captions?

Yes, some of my colleagues have no business having a commission...That being said, the differing cultures between different types of squadrons/AFSCs can make a world of difference... What did you do for Mama Blue?

Judging by that attitude, I'd guess we're better having gotten rid of you...Shoulda been a squid? b-o-o-h-o-o...

There have got to be other financial traps... Oh---AVOID "payday loan" places. They're worse than loan sharks. Anything else? -------------------- Dumbass AF question--I'm at a joint-service base. How do I address Enilisted USN folk? (I'm an AF O-3) is it "Sailor" or "Seaman"? Is it "Petty Officer" or "Mister"? What about Chiefs? GO AIR FORCE! BEAT NAVY!

When was the last time Spain's opinion mattered anyhow? I think it was just before the Royal Navy handed La Armada de España a severe ass whipping...

Botellines....Spain pussied out when AQ threatened...It's citizens should be ashamed... -that is all-

The funny letters remind me of the subtitles over the opening credits of "Monty Python & The Holy Grail."...."A moose bit my sister once..."

Brasso/Flitz--it's your friend, use a lot of it. Make a buddy your first day. When you know noone, the first friendly face could become your best bro. It happened for me. Pull your weight, but don't make the rest of your team look like shit in the process. Nothing wrong with being an Honor Grad, but don't screw your neighbor in the process. -Don't do anything stupid, like marry the first girl who smiles at you. I cannot tell you how many first-term Airmen I've inprocessed that already have a Tech school marriage & annulment in their PIF. Don't buy a car from a lot just off base. Those "We Finance--E1 & up!!" guys are not to be trusted. Have a SNCO/Chief help you with a car purchase once you get to your first station/ship. -Don't think you're too slick to get caught by the SP/NCIS for stupid things. The UCMJ is a cruel bitch if you fuckup. Don't wear long hair/hippy clothes to Indoc day...(i.e. don't be a shit magnet) Learn to spit polish now. It'll help. Remember--You will NOT succeed alone. You can only succeed as part of a TEAM. -Capt DrunkMonkey, USAF

It would seem that someone shit in Botellines' paella this morning...

European pseudo-intelligensia are entertaining to listen to... Kinda like handing a philosophy book to Rain Man and asking for a summary...

flatulence

Delicious?

We used to do just that in College. PP/University Health Service would give them away the fishbowl-full... LMFAO!!

Chastity is boring. To quote Al Pachino as "John Milton in The Devil's Advocate:

It doesn't look like an "Icarus." Looks like a "Bill" or "Sam."

I like lemurs. They're fun to watch.