RhondaLea

What's a mother to do? If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

I don't have any. Occasionally, when I see a pretty one, I toy with the idea, but odds are I won't. Beck has one, though, on the back of her neck. In the picture she sent me it looked really big, but in person, I like it. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

and mom doesn't want to explain it to 'that man', she just wants more money and him to suffer and not be with his kids... If the court ordered it, why does she have to explain it? Isn't that why he has legal counsel? The rest of what you wrote...I don't think you understand the need the custodial parent has for cash on the barrelhead, but the legal system does understand, and that's why the support system works the way it does. If you want to talk about bad parents--as if they are representative of the whole, I don't know what to say except there are ways of dealing with them. Penalizing good parents because of them, however, is not part of the program. How do you give the money "in trust to the child"? The money is for the expenses associated with keeping the child fed, housed and clothed. These are ongoing and immediate needs, and saving up for college is not a priority when hunger is an issue. If you can come up with a practical plan, I'm all ears, but talking about two-income married couples as if their experience has anything to do with that of a single parent is just silly. I was a single parent for most of daughter's life, and it was a terrifying experience at times. I left at the beginning of my ninth month of pregnancy, and I had no job and very little money. I managed--I found a job when she was 2 and a half months old--but without the child support, we'd never have made it. Yes, I could've let her live with her dad (and she did, three different times), but given the outcome he has had with his two sons (because of their mother), I think it was better for her to grow up with me. rl P.S. We did have a written visitation schedule, but I never held Tom to it. He got her most holidays, including Mother's Day (it meant a lot to her stepmother, but not a lot to me), and any other time he wanted her to come. After he moved an hour away (when she was less than a year old), we either met halfway or I provided the transportation. On the other hand, when I wrecked my car, he arranged to have it towed an hour to the shop and then he fixed it for the amount that the insurance company paid (i.e., he ate the deductible). He and I did the best that we could to give Beck two loving parents; the fly in the ointment was always her stepmother, who, even after she was treated for her bipolar condition, continued to manifest symptoms. If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

That makes no sense at all - what you are saying is that the father that "thinks" he's still paying everything he's responsible for, the one that is sincerely trying to support - is still a deadbeat. Dude, that's not what I'm saying. A lot of guys bitch about their support orders because they think they are responsible ONLY FOR those items directly attributable to the child: clothing, toys, food--anything that the child directly uses. They don't understand and don't want to hear that the additional housing and transportation costs--among other things--are also partly their responsibility. I started my career as a legal assistant in family law, and I've heard it all. I also lived it--the support Beck's dad paid was not extravagant, and he never had a problem with it. But Beck's stepmother did, and it was the subject of neverending complaints from her to me (and worse, to Beck). I see that the rest of your post clarifies this a bit, but it's not just so-called "deadbeat" fathers who have this issue. And more than a few allow this to leak over to the children, who then come home to mom wanting to know why she's bleeding daddy dry. Worse still, a lot of these guys have the idea that if they get custody, they no longer have to pay child support. What they don't realize is that the custodial parent usually ends up spending more, instead of less, than the total amount of the support order. Kids cost. A lot. I realize that there are abuses, just as there are abuses in everything. But in general, support awards are reasonable, and good parents do the best they can for their children. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

I'll tell you what: $1000 a month is not that extravagant in some areas of the country. As I mentioned earlier, support doesn't just cover clothing, food and extras. It takes into account the additional housing and utilities (a single woman can live in a a lot of places that a woman with a child cannot), wear and tear on the car and so on. http://www.democratandchronicle.com/biznews/finance/020127-pf-children.shtml You do the math. The money I received each month paid the full cost of day care and not a penny more. Yes, I could've spent less on day care. Later, I could've spent less on a lot of other things. But I didn't. There was no reason for her not to have all the things his other children had. Still, I was paying the larger share of her support all the way along, even though his wife thought what he was paying was ridiculous. A father who is responsible for his child is responsible for his share of all that child's expenses, not just for the ones he thinks are attributable to the child. Unfortunately, most men don't want to accept that. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

Totally disagreed. I've been down that road. Beck lived with her dad three different times, and all three times, it was a disaster. A disaster brought about by her stepmother's desire to avoid paying child support. (Her father just wanted to have her there, which is why I said yes, but her stepmother made life miserable for everyone, and that was the end of that.) No court order, no argument (well, the second time, we argued, but I went along with it in the end anyway), just "the (theoretical) best interests of the child." (And yes, I paid child support.) The whole idea is to provide the best possible environment for the child. Allowing the child to live with the parent who wants to avoid paying child support is not a very good choice. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

There are circumstances under which quitting is considered the same as being fired, i.e., the environment is such that it is impossible to continue to work. Hence, the phrase "forced quit." It is not all that easy to prove, although I did it when I caught my boss stealing client funds and turned him in. This doesn't sound like that. You can try to collect unemployment; the worst that will happen is that you'll be denied. Unless there's additional information, I echo what everyone else said about the letter: bad idea. No one ever realizes how bad it is to be blackballed until it happens. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

If it was a "forced quit," you can collect unemployment. What are your grounds for a lawsuit? rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

Totally agreed. On another note, we forget that we have a policy in the current era of teaching children to be "disrespectful" to adults--and it's not entirely a bad thing. As a matter of self-defense, in the last 20 or so years, we have gone far beyond our parents' caution to us to "beware of strangers" because we have learned that not all "bad touches" come from strangers, but from people who are very close to us. It is hard for a child to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate defiance of "authority." And when they are told by certain authorities that even parents are limited in what they can do, it's very confusing to them. For most kids, this eventually gets sorted out, but for some, once parental authority has been undermined, there's no going back. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

Well, not really. If the mother is spending in such a way that the child is not receiving the value of the money, the court will look at that. Usually, however, the mother wishes the child to receive the benefit of the money and more. It doesn't happen very often, but men fail to take into account that the support money is not just for buying extra toys. There's an increased housing expense, and a lot of other not quite so visible expenses for the care and upkeep of a child. Just because some men think "their" money should be spent on certain things doesn't mean that the money is ill-used when it is spent on what the child really needs. Most mothers end up spending quite a bit more on their children than merely "their" share of the total child support allowance. Because the child is entitled to a lifestyle reasonably similar to that which s/he would have enjoyed had his/her other parent remained in the home. That's why. We're now talking about another issue, btw, and quibbling over legitimate support orders (including all the running back and forth to court for increases and decreases, depending on which side one is on) is just infuriating. Subsistence living for a child with one wealthy parent and one much poorer parent is not okay. And the natural order of things is that we want our kids to have it better than we did. It's one thing to say that a man shouldn't be responsible when he was used as a sperm bank. It's another to get into all this other nonsense, because it is nonsense. In all other circumstances, children are entitled to the full support and care of both parents. rl P.S. to happythoughts: There are married men who get waylaid also. And there are single men who agree to pregnancies. A marriage license should not be the dividing line. If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

The issue is that a man's choice begins and ends with abstinence or permanent birth control, whereas women have additional options (to abort or not), and a man has no say in what becomes of his genetic material or his own future. Biology isn't fair, but it seems to me that we need a better way to deal with this. There are cases of men who paid child support for years, only to find out that the child they were supporting was not their child (genetically). But I believe that the courts in at least one (if not more) of those cases ruled that the best interest of the child required that the payments continue. We all know men who have been snared, and we also know women and children who have been abandoned. We need a better way. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

You can google for that too. Such occurrances have been reported. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

Sorry. Didn't mean to spoil the ha ha. It's just that sometimes it seems people post looking for real answers, and what they get is a lot of mythology, along with some pretty judgmental answers. It kinda sets my teeth on edge. The good news is that if she's laughing, it probably causes more vaginal contractions, which is good for you. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

I'm of two minds about this. If the condom broke or the birth control failed, I do see it as being the responsibility of both. If she really lied and said she can't get pregnant, I don't know. The welfare of the child is paramount, but if a woman uses a man as a sperm bank, I'm not sure she should be able to use him further. But how is that decided? Because people do lie--both about their ability to become pregnant and about whether the baby was planned for. I knew one man who changed his mind several months after conception, and he thereafter told people the woman had tricked him. But this was a couple that had actually been trying to get pregnant for a year before she conceived, and everyone who knew them was aware of it. So what did he think he had to gain by re-characterizing the pregnancy as a trick? Maybe the answer is to abstain from sex with someone you don't want a child with. Or have a vasectomy. Or be very careful of your sexual partners. I just don't know. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

As a reformed psychiatrist I know says, "The River of Normal is wide." Both laughing and crying are involuntary and completely normal. Sometimes, I think it would be better to google before asking certain kinds of questions here. But I did it for you, and there were hundreds of references, including this one: http://www.mypleasure.com/education/qanda/questions/1076.asp You can google "laughing orgasm" or "crying orgasm" yourself, and you will learn that it is not at all rare. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

"You like me. You really like me"

http://www.safetycenter.navy.mil/media/seashore/issues/fall05/pdf/skydiving.pdf http://www.nsc.org/lrs/statinfo/odds.htm Edited to add: http://web.archive.org/web/20050307090145/http://www.ranchskydive.com/safety/tb_article07.htm If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

I'm constantly surprised how similar you and Lj are... -=Raistlin Everyone has a doppleganger somewhere. Mine just happens to be a boy, instead of girl. If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

Nature didn't intend us to use birth control, so in the good old days women had scads of babies. It ruined their bodies and most of the babies didn't survive. I'd say that having kids is a biological imperative. The infertility problems many experience today have much to do with delaying pregnancy, not with natural infertility. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

I just don't want you to get sick when it was preventable. Fermented soy in small quantities is good. That's what the Asians eat, and that's one reason they stay healthy. But we're not eating soy like they eat soy, and I fear that we're going to start seeing the fallout all too soon. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

Why would you ask this question? If you want to post, you should post. It's not a debate without dissenting opinions. rl P.S. I voted "no." If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

http://www.soyonlineservice.co.nz/ If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

I was fed soy baby formula, and my thyroid was bad by the time I was fourteen. All unknowing, I gave it to my daughter, and hers is bad too. It will also do bad things to an adult thyroid. It's just not worth the price you pay. Fermented soy apparently doesn't have this effect, but even that needs to be eaten in small quantities. There's a wealth of information out there about the damage soy can do. The thyroid is only the tip of the iceberg. I love Balance Bars, but I eat them only rarely anymore. I don't eat any other soy products if I can avoid them. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

Up above, the guy asked her to leave, and that's what she tried to do. Then he assaulted her. Where's the bias? As for your own example, anyone can lie. I'll grant you that there are as many women who are not right in the head as men, but that does not mean that "women are working the system." I have an ex-boyfriend who told me that his ex-wife put the hand prints on her throat herself before she called the police. I believed him. (Sometimes, I'm a real idiot.) I stopped believing when the pushing and shoving started. That was, of course, after a couple of months of verbal and emotional abuse. Sometimes it's very difficult to sort these things out, and sometimes the innocent get nailed, but that's not peculiar to domestic violence. rl If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb

Ya think? If you don't know where you're going, you should know where you came from. Gullah Proverb