boinky

This reportedly is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty) SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: I hated it HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries. Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

The Magician There was a magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot. The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squawk, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick. Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it. Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician. For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time. "Alright already, I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?" ************************************************************** * On average, 80 people shoot at the Goodyear blimp each year. *A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana. *The last stagecoach holdup took place in Tennessee on October 15, 1882. *A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded. *In 1978 a man charged with murder escaped from the custody of the Irish police. The Garda Press Office, issued a statement to the effect that, 'He is no more dangerous than any other murderer.' *A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he gave the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years. Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

When it's my time, I want to be cremated. Then I want my SO to put me in a clear vase with the top glued on. This way, I can watch every time they have sex with someone else, but if they rock the bed too much, I won't fall off and have to join in! Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

Let me know how they enjoy it. Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking. "Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman,remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you? ...... Here it comes Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[B][BLACK]ROFLMAO!!![/BLACK][/B] Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

*****Churchill's Wit ***** A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, ["Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice." *****Clarifying My Position ***** Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life." ***** Overheard at McDonald's ***** (Note: In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald?s serves beer.) A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him:"They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food!?" *****What A Smart Professor***** Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to University of Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about polarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire? Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

*Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13. *Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a Friday the 13th. *People who were born on a Friday the 13th include; Steve Buscemi, Zoe Wanamaker, Howard Keel and Christopher Plummer. *Winston Churchill, the former British prime minister, never traveled on a Friday the 13th unless it was absolutely essential. *Graham Chapman, the late member of the Monty Python team, actually liked Friday the 13ths. He arranged to be buried on the thirteenth hour of Friday, October 13, 1989. *Bad things that have happened on a Friday the 13th: *Violent earthquake in Turkey killed more than a 1000 people (March 1992) *Hurricane in Britain left nine people dead (January 1984) *Plane Crash left survivors stranded in the Andes without food and compelled them to turn to cannibalism to stay alive (October 1972) LET'S ALL STAY SAFE TODAY! Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

OMG!! I can't believe that someone has resurrected this thread! Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

No, you don't just want "SOMEONE." You need/want someone "SPECIAL"[/B] If you don't have that, you might as well sleep alone. Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

You say this now, just because you aren't getting any. I'll bet if you found someone you liked it with, it wouldn't be so unpleasantly icky! It would be yummy icky then! Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

This morning, I was informed that there are 4 kinds of sexual candidates. Do you agree with the choices? 1.) NOPE - You wouldn't do this person, no matter what, or let anyone else do them either. 2.) MAINTENANCE - You would let this person give you oral sex, but not go the whole way. 3.) YUP- You would do this person in any way, shape or form. 4.) TO GO BOX - This person was so good that you had to have some right then, and take the rest home to have later. Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

I like Channel #5, but it's a little on the pricey side, and the generics don't last very long. I'd rather spend my money on something important....LIKE JUMPS!!!! Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

Well, this story should make you have faith, Dave. A couple weeks ago, I was picking up my daughter's prom dress in downtown Atlanta. Put gas in the car and got back on I-75 South to head home. I'm riding with the windows down in the 3'rd lane from the right, when I hear a noise that I think is coming from an old Volvo next to me. But I pass the car, and still hear the noise. I think, "Oh shit...I've got a flat tire." Now, rush hour traffic in Atlanta starts around 3 and goes until 6'ish or so. It's right around 4:00 and I'm 3 lanes away from the right shoulder. About that time, a Georgia State Patrol comes up behind me and sees my dilemna. Using his lights and his siren, he gets the traffic to make a spot for the two of us to get over. He pulls in front of me. I get out of the car, open the trunk, put the dress in the seat and start unscrewing the lock down on the spare. I happen to notice that the patrolman hasn't gotten out of his car yet. I look over and he has his window down. I walk over to him and he says, "Have you got everything you need?" Driving a demo car from my dealership, I couldn't answer that question and so I told him I wasn't sure. He told me he had another call he had to go on, but he would call a HERO truck to come and assist me. I said ok and he left. From the time I started releasing the spare, jacked the car up, changed the tire and put the flat and tools into the trunk and got back into the car, only 18 minutes had elapsed! And the HERO never showed up I'm pretty sure this is probably close to a record, whether it is a male or a female! I don't need no stinkin' HERO to change [B]MY tire!!! Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

*20% of American women think their feet are too big. *1 in ten truck drivers is a woman. *Channel No. 5 is the most popular perfume in the world. *27% of all US households are headed by a single female who is responsible for all buying decisions. Buying decisions for married households (55% of all US) are also predominantly driven by the woman. *Currently, 40% of American women are childless when they reach age 40. By age 42, a woman has just a 7% chance each month of conceiving and carrying to term her own child from her own eggs. *One out of two. If you're a woman, those are your chances of dying from heart disease or stroke. Your odds of dying from breast cancer are one in 27. Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

You're so welcome!

I agree with most of this. A man is only as good as his word. Honesty, faithfulness and self woth rule!!!! If they have faith in their abilities, they are more apt to be able to allow others to be themselves too. But I disagree with one part. There's nothing wrong with a man crying when he's been truly hurt. Shows emotion...and I believe real men feel free to express their emotions. Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

What a wonderful description. Your dad sounds like an amazing person. Wish all men were like that. Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

* * * * Your Perspective * * * * Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that thing called when people are sleeping on top of each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided that her responsibility was to tell him the truth... "It's called intimacy, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is NOT called intimacy! It's called Bunk Beds!" * * * * Signs You're the Reincarnation of Someone Famous... * * * * 1. During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets. 2. When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him. 3. Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice. 4. While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling. 5. Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water. 6. You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets. 7. As a kid, while talking through paper cups and string, you say ?There?s gotto be a better way? * * * * Committees * * * * I have to admit it, Johnson had offered a brilliant proposal to resolve our troublesome problem. He suggested we form three committees, one to study the problem directly, one to study how other companies had resolved similar problems, and a third to oversee the first two and coordinate their efforts into a workable solution. The plan worked flawlessly and we assigned the janitor to change the lightbulb * * * * Fun with Blondes * * * * A blonde woman goes to the doctor and complains that her whole body is aching. She touches her knee and says: "Ouch! That hurt". She then touches her elbow which evokes yet another painful response. She then touches her ear and complains that it is sensitive too. The doctor then examines her and says: "Well, Madam, I am sure that will be the case - your finger is broken." Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die. In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again? In prison, you get your own personal toilet. At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go. At home, you take everybody else where they need to go. In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar. In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't. At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya? Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Mother's Day! For the first time since 2002, I can't jump for Mother's Day, so will you all do a jump for me?

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK !!! Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

*There are more cars in Southern California than there are cows in India. *America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men. *Steal Someone's Thunder-Meaning: To pre-empt; to draw attention away from someone else's achievements in favor of your own. English dramatist John Dennis invented a gadget for imitating the sound of thunder and introduced it in a play in the early 1700s. The play flopped. Soon after, Dennis noted that another play in the same theater was using his sound-effects device. He angrily exclaimed, "That is my thunder, by God; the villians will play my thunder, but not my play. The story got around London, and the phrase grew out of it. *Pay Through the Nose-Meaning: To pay a high price; to pay dearly. Comes from ninth-century Ireland. When the Danes conquered the Irish, they imposed an exorbitant Nose Tax on the island's inhabitants. "They took a census (by counting noses) and levied oppressive sums on their victims, forcing them to pay by threatening to have their noses actually slit." Paying the tax was "paying through the nose." *To Lay an Egg-Meaning: To fail. From the British sport of cricket. When you fail to score, you get a zero- which looks like an egg. The term is also taken from baseball, where a zero is a 'goose egg.' *The first advertisement to discuss body odor was a 1919 ad for the deodorant Odo-Ro-No. *Pound for pound, grasshoppers are 3 times as nutritious as beef. *A week-old gazelle can outrun a full grown horse. Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

I was recently introduced to Heinlein, so I am determined to read everything I can get by him. I just finished "Stranger In A Strange Land." It started great, got a little weird in the middle and dug out at the end. Overall enjoyable, though. I am in the process of reading "Time For The Stars." I really like it. It's very personable. I have "The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress" sitting on my desk, waiting patiently for me. I have also read "Puppet Masters," "Waldo," and "Magic, Inc." I WANT to read Starship Troopers, but seem to be having some difficulty acquiring a copy. I don't want to buy right now, but have had several offers of loaners, if they can ever rustle them up. For those of you who have read some of my other posts, you'll know that I play poker on a regular basis. You would be amused by all the shocked comments I get from guys there when they find out that I am not just a "bit of fluff" and actually "read something besides romance novels." Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple!" MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!" BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance will be!" GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?" LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!" SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths!" THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!" Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance