birdshit

i appreciate the advice of all members that have more experience than I do.

Nah. I took a xanax, 3 motrin and some asprin and took the bandage lenses off. The was the dumbest thing I have ever done in my life. I ran out of cocaine drops and had to haul ass back to the doc to get some new lenses put in. I took them off again on day three cause the contact lenses were killing me. That is the reason I never wore contacts in the first place cause they irritate my eyelids. Vision is a little better today. Hopefully is is going to get a lot better soon. He said I could jump in three weeks. I can't wait! No more glasses!!! Cheers!

where did you hide the bodies?

No offense. I glanced at the pic, and my initial impression was: girly man sleeps in his van drummer for a 80s rock band I am pretty sure chicks may be thinking along the same lines. I tell you this cause I care not because I am an asshole. Take it with a grain of salt. I aint been laid in a while either, and I have a buzz cut, a 6 figure salary and a nice car. Maybe they put something in the water... LOL good lucjk bro - happy hunting -- may your traps brim over with fresh beaver --

Hey yall, just had PRK (Photo Refractive Kercerectomy) done. This procedure is similar to Lasik, but instead of using a microkeretome to slice a flap in your eyeball and fry the goo underneath with a laser, they just fry the surface of the eye (ablate) with a laser instead. He said my corneas are too thin for lasik. Asshole. The pro is that there is no flap, ad therefore no risk of all the bad stuff that can happen when you have flappy eyeballs. The downside is that healing time is about 6 times as long, 10 times as painful, and it still aint cheap ($3,200). My doc tells me that 2 weeks post-op I will have 20/20 and 6 months it may even get better than 20/20. At any rate, I have been freaking blind for 3 days now, doing the hellen keller routine around the house and I am writing this in 72 point font so so I can see what I am typing. Blindness is definitely an eye opening experience and makes me appreciate what I hope to have back real soon.. Has anybody else had PRK done, and if so can you share your experience? 3 days and I still cant see shit. Slowly getting better though. At what point do I call my lawyer? Thanks!

Just tell them you need a canopy that big to carry around your massive cock. Them, with one eyebrow raised, ask them what size canopy they use.. When they tell you, ask for their girlfriends phone number, laugh and walk away.

Every 12 year old I have seen either has a Nintendo DS, a PSP, or an IPOD. Also a cell phone is a sure winner. edit: if you get an ipod, get a nano or full size. The shuffle isn't "cool", its a consolation prize.. Ya know?

Somebody will fart in the plane.

Chicks dig it, even more than scars. Nuff said. Yeah, I told my dad about my new hobby, and he said "Son, only fools and birdshit fall out of the sky" HAH! I been waiting months to use that line! Thanks! I have a good career too. 6 figures good. I dropped out of school in the 7th grade and fought hard for every penny I make now. Big whoop. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that none of that will mean squat when they are shoveling dirt on you. If jumping out of airplanes gives you a chubby, then do it now while you still got good knees and big balls. How many times have You heard someone say If I had his money I could do things my way But little they know That it's so hard to find One rich man in ten With a satisfied mind Once I was waitin' In fortune and fame Everything that I dreamed for To get a start in life's game Then suddenly it happened I lost every dime But I'm richer by far With a satisfied mind Money can't buy back Your youth when you're old Or a friend when you're lonely Or a love that's grown cold The wealthiest person Is a pauper at times Compared to the man With a satisfied mind When my life has ended And my time has run out My friends and my loved ones I'll leave there's no doubt But one thing's for certain When it comes my time I'll leave this old world With a satisfied mind How many times have You heard someone say If I had his money I could do things my way But little they know That it's so hard to find One rich man in ten With a satisfied mind Johnny Cash - A satisfied mind Now you start working on your D License. There are a few stops along the way though... LOL I had sensory overload on my first AFF Jump. Thats why there are two guys holding on to you the whole time. The more jumps you make, the less you will be affected by it. I totally screwed my first AFF Jump, but I tried it again 2 hours later and they said it was textbook perfect. Aff Level 2 was even easier. I suggest trying to find a Wind Tunnel to practice in. 10 minutes of tunnel time will give you control of your body in freefall much more so than doing ten jumps (I think) because the fear is removed from the situation, and you give yourself the ability to make mistakes and learn how to fly your body (like a graceful brick)... If doing another tandem helps with the sensation of freefall, then go for it. Keep in mind that AFF isn't exactly cheap and your allocation of resources is also an important factor... See you out there!

Nervous? Why would you be nervous? All you are doing is jumping out of an friggin airplane!!! Hello? I would be worried (and envious) if you weren't nervous.. Don't worry! Stay away from coffee, ritalin, red bull, meth, tea, cocaine, cigarretts, 'power drinks', etc, etc, and anything else that is a stimulant. If you are amped up on the ground, you will be even more nervous when the adrenaline starts pumping. Thats the only advice I can give. It takes faith in the engineering of the parachute, faith in your safety gear, faith in the instructors and faith in yourself. If you have those four things you will do perfect. Good luck, blue skies and see you out there!

Edit: removed jackass posting and replaced with tame one... Nah! Dont be silly. Dont get mired in the details. Your AFF Level 1 will teach you everything you need to know... WELCOME!! You will always remember the first time you are alone under your own canopy. Your first time only happens once, so savor that moment. I wish I had savored it a little more.

thanks phree. maybe i just caught the guy on a bad day..

I will get my own rig, the next time that the Wells Fargo truck comes to refill the atm machine, and I happen to be standing there with a tub sock full of BBs.... LOL In the meantime, I am trying to get my AFF done on student gear. Is 210-230 really so damn big? Can't I sign a 'fatass waiver' or something? I look around the DZ and I see pretty big guys running around all over... I don't know, I have heard nothing but good things here about Skydive Dallas, but the guy I talked to didn't seem overly excited about my business.

Thanks for the quick reply! It is not so much a matter of being 'tall' I am only 5'11" and I fit perfectly into every student rig I have ever jumped (260/230) with a standard setup. I have a 45 inch chest. All those damned pushups the Army is so excited about. Maybe I will just bring a big wad of hundred dollar bills down to the dropzone. I hear that there is no problem that cannot be solved with a liberal application of the universal lubricant... $$$

Hey yall. I weigh anywhere from 210lbs to 230lbs depending on how close it is to thanksgiving. Are there any special considerations for bigger guys like me? I am not a lardass, I just have a chest that looks like a 50 gallon drum and arms like a bald gorilla. I have a soft spot or two, but not 'fat' by any means. I have seen a few posts and heard of 'the brotherhood of the anvil' and whatnot, so I know it is possible, I just need to hook up with the right folks. If they can airdrop an 13 ton armored personnel carrier then they can air drop me, it is just a matter of having the right gear for the job. Some dropzones have reservations jumping a guy like me; I guess out of concern for the the crust of the earth should I burn in. They don't want the landing area looking like the surface of the moon. The place in intend on getting my AFF isn't near any fault lines or anything so no worries about lava flows or earthquakes should the unthinkable happen. hahaha... Your thoughts?

skydive have a threesome secretly videotape myself having a threesome (yeah baby!!) get married three times get divorced three times have a kid I never met have another kid shoot the Main gun on an M1A1 Tank drop out of high school in the 7th grade (my 16th birthday) Graduate from College make more than $100k in a year build a house go to jail for a traffic ticket get my MCSE get my CCNA kick out of line twists on my 1st jump Went AWOL from basic training Fire a .50 Caliber machine gun Learned how to do Polynomials and Quadratics Lose 50% of my hearing firing a .50 Cal Machine gun get lasik Hold $10,000 in cash in my hands join the army (dumbass! uhhh!) Learned how to place, arm, and detonate a Claymore Landmine (I see the light, I see the light, I see the light) picked a Combat MOS based on a propaganda film made by the army (dumbass! uhhh!) Saw somebody get shot with 7.62mm Broke a girls cherry (Kelly Hall) spend a year in Korea (Volunteered) Had sex with a prostitute Drove a motorcycle after drinking an entire bottle of absolute citron (and didn't die) Had sex with two prostitutes at the same time and took pictures Gang bang a 50yo prostitute with 5 of my Army buddies (John Holmes Club!!! We got AIDS boys!!! We all Gonna Die!! HAHAHA) Drink 5,000 gallons of E&J Brandy in one year in Korea and never had a single problem Drank a half a bottle of tequila and pissed on my coffee table, two of my best friends, my coffee cup, my boots, and got the crap beat out of me... LOL TEQUILA!! do LSD, Ecstasy, Weed, Coke, Rum, Vodka, Meth and Viagra all in 1 night (DJ Kidd -- love you bro - what a night it was... ahh the good old days. Rhinehart?) go to a rave Drive 200 miles on LSD and Ecstasy (Bats! Sparkles! Thanks for the directions Mr. Dragon!) Successfully Passed a DUI checkpoint on LSD and Ecstasy (at least I think that was real. Maybe it was a carwash or something). Do 160mph on a motorcycle Put $1,000 on one roll of the dice in Vegas (and won) Take my hands off the handlebars at 160mph on a motorcycle Run from the police (and actually get away. it aint always like COPS. Sometimes the bad guys win.) Tattoo some chicks name on my back buy a 42 inch HD LCD TV Go to AA (hello, my Name is Birdshit and I'm an alcoholic ...) Break a guys nose by head butting him so hard that his facial bone cut my scalp Got my nose broken Let a girl pee on me just to see If I am that kinky (I'm not.. heh heh) Peed on a girl to see if she was that kinky.. She was, ha ha! Have a bisexual encounter (guys aint so bad either) Snuck a switchblade through airport security, just to see if I could do it and get away with it. Hacked into a remote network just to see if I could do it. Started a porn website, then posted pictures of my brothers wife doing naughty things to my brothers girlfriend with power tools... LOL To Do: Disarm a nuclear weapon Steal a submarine Fly an F-22 Raptor Use a block of C-4 on something I dislike Sneak into North Korea Have sex with Angelina Jolie Scuba Dive HALO Jump Beat HALO 3 on Legendary Learn French, Russian, German, Arabic and Chinese Learn to Dance Learn how to fly a helicopter Learn how to suture Run a load of Coke or Guns for the Columbian Cartel Welcome to life on the bleeding edge between dumbass and psychopath..

that was great

Amazing pics!!! Thanks for sharing! Very cool. Hey uh, how high were you in the breakoff pic? Just curious... Us noobies have to pull waaaay up in the sky where everything still just looks like a bunch of squares, but the guy on the ground looking up at you with the "Hi My name is Jeff" name tag and the piece of black pepper stuck between his two front teeth looks genuinely concerned for your safety... LOL edit: Is lost prairie open 365? It is amazing scenery. Whereabout is it? Man I am lazy.

Hey I got boobies from three different women, sometimes all in the same pic. Wouldn't I get banned or something por posting such smut? What If I photoshop a "DZ.com is the kewest" tattoo around one of their nipples? Then its like an AD right? They should pay me! LOL

Angeline Jolie lies naked in bed reading YOUR posts. And she is so highly aroused she can't help but to get a big tub of 'Country Crock' and a Large, knobby Zuccinni out of the fridge and... and... Stir Fry! Yeah! DZ.com kicks evil ass! How evil? Let me show you my sad little world. Maybe Mr. Funks is Obsessive Compulsive, but instead of washing his hands 1200 times a day, or counting the specks of dust on his TV from right to left and then left to right and comparing his results using statistical analysis or buying hundreds of copies of "Catcher in the Rye" and theorizing about Secret Shadow Government Organizations or how Jews Started All the Wars in the World he just registers at DZ.com (but his sickness prevents him from actually logging in)... Maybe it's free therapy for him. Maybe he is stuck in his own private little hell waiting to drop the mother of all jokes that will leave us all in the Intensive Care Unit with collapsed lungs and shattered ribs from uncontrollable mind bending maniacal laughter that must surely ensue after he opens Pandoras Joke? But he can't log in, so he sits snickering 'this is gonna be so funny' to himslef in his sad, crazy little 6 year old girl voice sitting in his moms basement, lurking and lying in wait, at any moment pulling the trigger on the best joke ever told and getting us all really ROFL... Or maybe it is a tribute to Darwin's theory of 'Natural Selection' and mr funks believes that simply registering gives him the ability to post messages in the forums, but when he clicks on the topic headings, all he ever sees is "Can't Post". It infuriates him and his continued failure combined with his Erectile Dysfunction drives him to the brink of sheer madness. In a moment of brilliant clarity, he gives up on that dang old internet thang and switches over to the '700 Club' with 'Pat Roberts live from the Tower of Power' (praise Jesus my borthers anduh sistuhsah). That is of course, unless WWF, Jerry Springer, NASCAR or Dukes 'o Hazzard is on, in which case he kicks his pregnant naked sister and her uncle/dad out of the trailer, grabs some creamy Jiff peanut butter and a 40oz Natural Light, and calls his dog! It's TV Time!!! "Hey Flash! It's snack time baby!!! Hop up here you sexy thing! Yuk, Yuk, Yuk" Whoa! Whew... Ok, Sorry people. My doctor says it takes a few weeks for the drugs to 'build up' in my system, and then the voices will stop harassing me about the goddamn golf shoes. Why on earth would Hunter Thompson ever off himself with a shotgun when he was the 2nd coming of Jesus Christ? I just don't get it. Any ideas? At least they let me have internet access in here. They say until I am better it is safer to keep me here.. I asked safer for who, me or the world? Then I got this funny jacket and I have to type with a #2 pencil shoved up my left nostril. No shoelaces, but a laptop and a 802.11G Wireless Card with the 108mbps rfc draft extensions.. Man it is fast! Yeah baby. No more boobies peeling down the screen one pixel at a time! Now it's more like an 'ambush'!! Like emeril is cooking me up some boobies off the dirty old internet. BAM! BAM-BAM! Ha! I swear I'm not crazy. I am just messing with yall.

Yeah I caught Jesus trying to steal my car stereo the other day. I beat him mercilessly about the face and neck with a blunt object. Call me Judas Iscariot why dontcha? Whatever. Taught that little bastard a lesson he won't soon forget!

Again, think goodness for ADD. Do you see the irony in explaining how you presume to know so much about why I don't believe in God by quoting Scripture? Isn't that like a Rabbi chastising the Nazis by quoting from 'Mein Kampf'? Just enjoy the fairy tale you live in. I desperately wish I could join you and dance in the dandelions, but unfortunately I am locked into my cold, hard, scientific world. Perhaps before trying to wax poetic with Quotes from the Bible, try something that is a little more my speed to try to explain to me how you know all about me... I recommend the works of Adam Smith, Voltaire, and Friedrich Nietzsche. Try to frame it in the context of of like post-modern humanism or the concept of "over-man" with a nitroglycerin chaser, a little party umbrella and a twist of lime. Mmmmmkay? And for Christs sake, just give me the cliff notes. You guys are killing me with your 10,000 word essays. K? Kewl. Peace out, my holier-than-thou brotha! Just keep looking down your nose at me... I might do a trick!!! I will still give ya a good gear check though... I am cool like that... we are all family here.

well if they are, I am sure It doesn't bother them very much.

Is that because of the tolerance religions generally show each other, or is it because we are all law abiding citizens as members of a Capitalist, Democratic Society? It is false to say that religion isn't violent. Even Christianity. Just ask Ireland. My question is that if you removed the constriction of rules that 'society' places on us (and we dutifully abide by), would we all still be the saints we profess that we are? After all, I have actually seen a few abortion clinics blown up, and one or two abortion doctors got fragged on Channel 5.. But I haven't ever seen an atheist commit a crime or hurt someone based on their religious belief. (edit: except for that Jehovah's Witness last weekend, but that was totally different! he was asking for it... Besides. If they can't find a body then it didn't really happen... ) Just because we don't go around shooting Jews or Mormons in your neck of the woods, doesn't mean it wouldn't happen under the right circumstances. Remember after 9/11 we had rednecks killing people from India because they thought if you wore a turban you were a terrorist.

Nowhere near as many that have been fought over an Eggo. "L'GGO my Eggo". "No, it's my Eggo". "Hey, you fucking prick, it's my goddamn Eggo". "FUCK YOU! I bought the damn things, now let the FUCK - GO - OF - MY - FUCKING - EGGO!" "EAT EGGO SHIT, PETER PUFFER! I own the refrigerator. Anything in there is MINE! Now let the FUCK GO OF MY EGGO". "You want something to EAT! MOTHER FUCKER! EAT LEAD!" BOOM!, BOOM!, BOOM! Statisics compiled over the last 30 years has shown that the Eggo has been the primary reason for the majority of homicides committed before 9am. Had the breakfast participants had taken the time to make a good, healthy breakfast of bagels and lox they would had lived a good long life. This important message was brought to you by The Bagel Bakers Association. Shalom! Which all goes back to the 'pancake' discussion earlier. 1. I don't believe there is a god. 2. Thats all, wheres the pancakes? (Or in your case, the Eggos) But it depends if you believe the 'literal word' of the atheist (a.k.a. the Hard Core Fundamentalist Atheists), (just pancakes - nothing else) or the more generalized 'interpretation' of the holy words (which could include other fatty breakfast foods) Peter Puffing, lead slinging waffle theives? Ha! I blew coffee out of my nose...