irishrigger

I find Silicone Spray the best. you can pick them up in any hardware store

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Glad to hear you are OK after this nasty incident. although it is rare is not unheard off that something like this comes from a manufacturer. i had a case where i found the leg straps of a new rig, which i was assembling that did not have any stitching on them. i had another customers canopy that came back from a reline from the manufacturer that had lines routed incorrectly though the stabilizer tabs. so it does happen on the very odd occasion and i am sure that other riggers have also come across other things but one must always remember "assumption is the mother of all fuck ups". i would say that 99% of jumpers would not have caught this. that it is why it is so important for a person to know their gear and what to look out for. the best way to do that is ask your local rigger to show you these things while you are getting a reserve repack and how to do a correct inspection on the basic need to know. when i get a set of gear to repack i will try show the customer the important part of where the important stitching should be and what to look out for. granted it is not always possible to do that. i would love for USPA to make it mandatory in their A and B license application that they went through this inspection process with a rigger and to have the rigger to sign that off. knowledge about ones gear is a very valuable and really necessary skill that everyone should have! but at the end of the day i am glad you walked away from this incident and thank you for sharing this valuable lessons with us here on Dropzone. you now have a "no shit their i was" story to tell over a couple beers with friends and new jumper enjoy your few drinks!

nope did not see the comments until now

new car for Promise5 perhaps?

Apparently only Pilots on board https://www.facebook.com/videobashfan/videos/823383997692787/?fref=nf

A guy goes to his Family doctor and asked him what was wrong with his wife? the doctor response that all Medical issue are strictly confidential and cannot be discussed with another person. but the guy begs and pleads with the doc and eventually gives in, he asked the husband what his wife name was, he says Mary S..... that is a very popular name i am afraid and i have 2 lady's by that name on file. they could not figure out which one his wife was, so the husband asked what was wrong with each of them and maybe that would clear things up. we ll the first Lady has a heart condition and the second one has AIDS. this confused the husband even more and he still could not figure out which one was his. eventually the Doctor came up with a solution to the problem, when you go home send your wife on a 10 mile run, if she comes back i would not sleep with her again !!

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, V. Gina

This should give the ladies here a good laugh He Said To Me! He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you? He said to me . ... ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? I said to him .. . They don't have time He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened. He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends. He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? I said . . A widow. He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

i think this PIC is Funny

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed o ut the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor's still wet."

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.' 'I know', said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!' REMEMBER... Not All Seniors Are Senile…

A 76 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it!" he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the bar, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a beer. As he sat sipping his beer, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian

Sitting on the side of the highway watching to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22kph. He says to himself, 'This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder' so he turns on the lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car he notices there are five old ladies, two in the front and three in the back... all wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him 'Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?' 'Ma'am,' he replied, 'you weren't speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.' 'Slower than the speed limit? No sir,' she said, 'I was was doing the speed limit exactly... 22kph!' The old woman said a bit proudly. The Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that '22' is the Highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the old woman grins and thanks the Officer for pointing out her error. 'But before I let you go Ma'am,' he says, ' I have to ask.... is everyone in the car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time.' 'Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, Officer,' she replied, 'We just got off Highway 189

Its been a while since we had a blonde joke A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and got pulled over for speeding by a blonde police woman. the blond cop asked for the blonde driver license, the driver got more aggittated as she searches throught her hand bag and finally asked what does it look like? blond cop says, it is square and has your picture on it! the driver after searching for a while through her purse finally finds a small square mirror and looks at it. here it is handing it over the blond cop. blone cop looks at the mirror and says, ok,you are free to go, i did not realise you were a cop!

another Brother who has left to early R.I.P

you should never be afraid to ask any question to your rinstructor, that is his job! he should never ridicule any question that you might have. you should never feel insulted either. fair play to talking to the Chief instructor, and i am very suprised to hear that he has received numerous complains already and not acted on that! so he is not doing his Job either! if i got numerous complains about an instructor behaviour, i would get rid of him as he is bad for business. hopefully there is another skydiving centre in your area that you can go to instead.

Looks like there is also some line burn in that area. would be good to know where exactly the holes are. if they are on the tail of the centre cells i would advise to bring it to a rigger straight away. another option is to put some rip-stop on it to prevent it getting worse. (it is a good rule to mark it with a Pen and size of a Pinky finger as a guide.)

i am just curious as to why this video only appeared now??? it is my understanding that this incident is over 7 years old. and it was not even at skydive Miami!

Not sure if these were posted before but they are good for a laugh How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

another skydiver in the making