MF42

Come on, somebody's pet is an entirely different matter. We're talking about vicious, destructive, fast breeding parasites that have been a literal plague to mankind throughout history; they actually came close to wiping us out on at least one occasion. They ain't endangered, edible, useful, or attractive. They ain't harmless wild critters, quite the opposite. Kill the sumbitches. Matt

Huh? What? MF... that's me. What'd I do? Matt

Not really saying much there. Goonies was a better movie than Superman IV. Catwoman was a better movie, for God's sake! Matt

Thank you! I only have a couple of pervert stories, and they can't begin to compare to Walt's.

That was a very well done video.

Nope, you're not evil or bad. I would probably do the same in your situation. (Hmmm, that line of reasoning is dependent on the assumption that I'm not evil or bad...) Matter of fact I was in a similar situation once: Used to attend a church that was out in the boonies, several miles outside of town, open fields all around. Doing work on the grounds, some large snake skins were found in a couple of hiding spots that a snake would like. Eventually the snake himself was spotted. I'm not so great on the identifications, but I remember this thing was about 4 feet long, black, non-venomous, and had a habit of mimicing a rattlesnake by drumming the tip of his tail on the ground. Some of the guys who knew snakes positively identified him as being harmless to people. We made the decision to leave the snake alone since our mouse problem had cleared up about the same time the snake moved in. We also agreed to keep quiet about him because certain hysterical people would be sure to call for his head if they ever found out about our friend. One Sunday evening, pastor's just getting rolling on his sermon, and my attention is wandering. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a flicker of motion up in the corner of the ceiling. Huh? What was that? I watch the corner for a minute and see one of the dropped-ceiling panels lift up slightly at one end where it doesn't fit very well in the frame. Our friend the large black snake gently nudges the panel up another half-inch and peers down into the sanctuary, forked tongue flicking happily away. Uh oh. Pastor's on a pretty good roll now, people are "amen" and "that's right." Place is getting a little noisy. I glance around, but see no evidence that anybody else has noticed the snake. I try to keep from obviously staring at our friend so as not to call attention to him. What are my options? I debate going up into the attic and attempting to retrieve the snake without disrupting the service, but I have serious doubts about being able to quietly reach that corner. Not going to happen. The only thing I can do is attempt to send mental telepathy to the snake and tell him to go hide somewhere. "Back up, snake. Go hide in the attic." I think at him, trying to reinforce the instruction with a surreptitious glare. The snake flicks his tongue at me. "Back. Up." I try to send psychic mind-waves at him with a little more force. Again with the tongue flicking. Insolently, he slides an inch further into the room. I glance around again; still nobody else looking his way. How long until one of these high-strung soccer moms sees him? What'll happen when she does? Part of me, a big part, is beginning to hope for some entertaining hysteria. The suspense is wonderful agony. I have long since lost track of whatever the pastor's going on about. I admit it: I turned evil for a second there. I smile up at our friend the snake and send another thought-message. "Ok then, if you're not going to go hide you might as well make a good entrance!" He hears me, this time. Why a snake would want to drop out of a dark attic into a bright, noisy sanctuary I have no idea, but this is what the snake decides to do. He slithers slowly forward, head smoothly scanning back and forth. I'm having trouble stifling the giggles. When he's got about 18 inches through the gap there's a noise behind me that sounds exactly like a high-strung soccer mom who just saw the avatar of Satan descending upon her. SCREEEEECH!!!! The suspense is broken, hysteria is breaking out, I'm laughing hard, and Mr. Snake slides forward a little more, loses his grip on the panel's edge and tumbles awkwardly THUMP to the stage. Man, that must've hurt. What was he thinking? Pastor's telling people to calm down, it's harmless, don't worry, and the snake coils up into his rattlesnake imitation and drums his tail on the floor. He looks seriously pissed off now. Probably scared. I grab my suit jacket and jump up onto the stage, intending to use the jacket to pick him up because I think a snake in his situation might reasonably be expected to bite, venomous or not, and who could blame him? But he just squirms in that way only a large snake can do and doesn't try to hurt me. I wrap him up in the jacket. People are quieting down now as I hop off the stage and head for the door. "You're going to kill it, right?" It's not so much a question as a demand, coming from a nice grandma-ish woman who I actually like. "Uh, well.... I actually figured I'd take him down the road a little bit and let him go in a field." "It'll come back! You have to kill it!" Public opinion seems to be on her side. They really want to lynch this snake. I just shake my head and move towards the door. "Matt, for peace of mind, I think it would be best if you killed it." This is coming from my mom. Uh oh. Trouble. I mean, disobeying mom can and should be done sometimes, but a guy's got to pick his battles. All this was when I was sixteen, still living under her roof. Is the life of a snake, who's already demonstrated spectacularly poor decision-making skills, worth the several days of conflict that sparing him will bring me? Nope. So I take him outside, ask him if he has any last requests, chop him and dispose of the remains. The shrieking soccer mom thanked me afterward, but I still felt bad about doing it. Oh well. I just hope that whole karmic balance thing isn't weighed down very much by one snake. And besides, I made up for it later by keeping another snake as a pet and accidentally liberating him in mom's house, so I think it all balances out in the end. Matt

LOL No problem with killing rats. They have no redeeming qualities that I'm aware of. Matt

TWO!! Yeah, that's right, I'm catching up to you mofos. Matt

Worked earlier today just fine. Matt

To my everlasting shame, I don't know the difference. Do 220 and 450 refer to different models, different engines, what? Matt

Yes! It was a Stearman. Very classy old bird. Matt

To answer the original question: not being afraid of snakes or other creepy crawlies is an attractive trait, so I voted "hot." But it's better to relocate them. They keep rodents away almost as effectively as a couple of good cats. Matt

Gotta disagree with you here. While the spitfire undoubtedly makes the "top five" list of beautiful airplanes, the winner has to be the Hughes H-1. I got to inspect the perfect replica that was built a few years ago, and that lady was flawless in every detail.

Spitfires in the air would certainly brighten up a day.

Two biplanes just flew past my window, no more than 100 yards away. One was a little white Pitts. The other was some antique with a radial engine, in yellow paint with "US Navy" markings. I thought it was a very nifty surprise and wanted to share. That's all.

Oldie but a goodie: flaming bag of dogshit on the front porch.

Caught my hand on fire once. Didn't realize that a fine dusting of gunpowder had adhered to the skin while I was assembling an improvised munition of some sort. Trying to light the fuse of said munition in a breeze, cupping hand around the flame, POOF! It was just a flash, the fire burnt out as fast as it lit, taking all the hair and a little bit of skin with it. Seems funnier now than it did at the time, hopping around and swearing, looking for something wet to cool my hand off. Several old worn out toys met their fiery end over the years. I always liked partially burying a firecracker in some sand or gravel because it sprayed more shrapnel that way and made a cool crater. Destroying plastic cups was fun, same for dry leaves, paper airplanes, balsawood gliders, ant hills, empty cans, etc. I loved tossing an M-60 into a bucket of water; looked like a depth charge going off. Another favorite was using a spent roman candle as a mortar. This is best accomplished with one black cat and one jumping jack, they're the perfect size. First, light the black cat and drop it down the tube. Quickly light the jumping jack and drop it down the tube, then stand back. If you've got the timing right, the black cat will detonate and launch the jumping jack skyward, which will then start spinning and flaming in mid air. Very cool. I've seen, but not participated in (cuz I love animals), the horrifying death of a huge toad. Buddy of mine had heard about it and wanted to try it out. Find a toad. Light a lady finger and toss it a few inches in front of the toad. The toad thinks the lady finger is an insect and snatches it up with his tongue. A second later the lady finger detonates inside the toad, whose insides quickly find their way outside in a spectacularly messy fashion. Poor toad. I convinced buddy that it was really over the line and we should stick to destroying property. Not exactly a traditional firework, but potato guns are so much fun they should be illegal.

Yeah I see how that could happen. I was always honest in the hospital. One nurse was very interested and seemed almost convinced to go do a tandem jump at least.

I once read an essay written by Penn Gillette in which he made the point that NASA has perfected comedic timing. Penn got invited to some VIP observation site that's much closer to the launch than the general public has access to. He described seeing the brilliant light of ignition, watching the shuttle gracefully rise into the sky...all in silence, just crickets chirping. Penn had just enough time to think, "That's strange. I thought there would be some noise..." then the shockwave hit with bone shaking force and kept getting louder, an unimaginable rumble, every bass player's wet dream, and he's screaming his little monkey brain out but can't hear himself scream because the shuttle is so stinkin' loud! Seven seconds for the noise to get from the launch site to the observation area. Perfect comedic timing.

Ok, all you Florida losers are making me jealous now. Matt

That tank separation maneuver looked beautiful. Very smooth.

I always get a shiver when they say "Go with throttle up." Matt

God, what a ride!

Some people can thrust and watch at the same time.

Sorry, wasn't born yet. Matt