Michele

All my love, hope, faith, and prayers are yours. You know that. Anything I can do from the West Coast, let me know. It will be done completely. Like Wendy said, you are still you...and you are a wonderful, amazing person. Hang in there, fight through, take the time to smell the roses... Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

I am not sure what happened. All I know is that Dad received his Christmas Miracle, as have I. Maybe the prayers worked. I don't know. What I do know is that his Dr. referred Dad to a specialist, and the specialist was seen this morning. While he still has emphysema, and while it still needs to be more thoroughly tested, according to the specialist, what's got him down right now is that he has viral bronchitis, and that can be treated easily, without fear, and no need to worry for the time being. And because he does have emphysema, also having a cold/bronchitis can make things look worse, feel worse, and take a harsher toll on him than if he just had bronchitis. What's interesting is how I found out. I spent the morning shopping (trying to pass some time), but couldn't concentrate. So my best friend and I went out for breakfast. I put the cell phone on the table, and kept checking it; time passed, and I just couldn't sit still. For whatever reason, the waitress (who usually isn't slow) was very slow today...my best friend and I finally got the check, left, and went up to the pharmacy to pick up some stuff for my trip up north. She and I are standing in line, looking at the clearance bin, and who turns around from the front of the line, just checking out the world? Dad. He looks right past me, and it took a moment to recognize him myself...and then I hollered "DAD!" LOL, that was a funny scene. And it turns out we were parked nose-to-nose in the parking lot, which is not a small one. I hadn't recognized his car when I parked. Dad and I spoke about it, and he said that he believed he had gotten a death sentence. According to him, his first thought when he got the news originally was "well, that's it, I'm dying." You should've seen his face when he was telling me all this this morning; he was radiant, glowing, happy, and joking around. His relief was apparent in every movement, every blink, and every other thing about him. So for now, I've gotten my Christmas Miracle, and so has Dad. We fly out early thursday morning, to spend the holidays with our family. And in the new year, he will find out more information, and get more testing done. Thank you, all of you, for those prayers said. For those vibes and wishes sent (which to me all goes to the same Place). And for the thoughts, help, friendship, and comfort offered to me, both on these threads and the many PMs I've received. What matters, in the end, is simply that my deepest appreciation, my heartfelt thanks, and my very best wishes go to you and yours for a Merry Christmas, and a glorious New Year. Thank you. Thank you God, thank you friends. Just thank you. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

John. How wonderful to see you here. You make me smile. Lisa, you're right. I need to consider the other possibilities to it all; Dad's appointment with the specialist is tomorrow at 10 am, so he will know more about this whole thing then. Especially about the travel part...that's got him worried, but he won't make any alternative plans just yet (I know...I tried...). For those who've encouraged me to spend time with him, I do, and I will. Even more than before. No doubt or question. I promise. For the one (I'm sorry, I can't recall who it was) who asked me my age, I'm 40. Not old, not young. But this is my father, and because of that, it shakes me to my core. I do understand what you're saying, though, and appreciate your comments. I know I owe some pm's, and I hope to have gotten some sleep by tomorrow, and have a moment to answer. And thanks again. You all don't know how much this means. To know that I can come here and find friendly, understanding faces and people willing to hold my hand (cyber, of course...), it does provide some measure of comfort...and again, I do appreciate it very much. For the prayers, the thoughts, the hugs, and the offers of listening, I am in all of your debts. Thank you...and my Pop thanks you. When I know more tomorrow, I'll update. I hope I can sleep tonight...I slept so little last night (90ish minutes) that fatigue has set in, and I'm being clumsy and took a bit of a fall today (lino floors being polished/washed...I went splat; I am fine, although a bit embarrassed). I am so tired. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

you guys are sweet, and it is dear to me that you all are here for me. I've received all the pm's but haven't responded just yet; forgive me that. I just can't concentrate. I couldn't even get a buzz going, which is just as well I suppose. It's going to be a hard few days until Dad sees the specialist. Thanks for all the wishes and the prayers, both for my Dad and for me. I've got to find a way through this, and be there for him...and you guys have helped. This whole thing just sucks. I'm going to go to bed; I doubt I'll sleep, but I'm going to lay down nonetheless. I wonder if I'll ever sleep again? Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

My father is very sick. About a week or so ago, he went to his Dr., thinking it was just the flu or a cold or an upper respiratory infection. He underwent many tests, including a CAT scan. While he has, in the past, had cancer (and a bad case of that, too...he beat it back...), the concern was that his lymphoma had come back in his lungs this time. It's not cancer. It's emphysema. My father is not a smoker, and does not have the gene defiency which occasionally causes emphysema. My father is 83, and he is well down the road of this illness. He can't breathe deeply, he coughs terrifyingly, and is exceedingly pale; his beard, grey and tan, matches his skin. Furthermore, he's been cold for a while; can't warm up at all, according to him. I had lunch with him about 10 days ago, and his hands were so cold I couldn't believe it. For the first time, my father brought me the news somberly. If you knew my Dad, you'd realize that most of the time, he's laughing, joking, playing around. He has a finely honed sense of humor, and is still working (just committed to another play; a part he has been wanting to do for several decades; according to him, he's old enough now to do it justice...). In this last year, my father has fallen several times, breaking bones. His ribs late last year, his hip and ribs again in May this year, and his ribs again in late September, all from falls. He wouldn't go get a neurological work up because, as he says, he's calm and not nervous at all. His sense of humor, you know? But he didn't go in, even after all those falls, to see if something was intrinsically wrong. It's been a rough year for him. A really rough year. This time, I can see something's really, really wrong. He will be seeing a specialist later this week; they're talking about surgery, although I don't know what kind. I am trying to be hopeful, but the illness itself is scary, and because he's not a young man, it's worse. And the complications of it are even scarier; congestive heart failure, complications from influenza and/or pneumonia, et cetera. Most people are diagnosed when they are 50-60. Males have a higher rate, both of infection, and morbitiy. And emphysema is the 4th leading cause of death in the US. I've been reading a lot this afternoon about this illness, and it's not a pretty thing at all. And it doesn't look good... I'm drinking myself stupid tonight, because I feel like I'm going to blow apart at the seams. My father and I have not always had the best relationship; both of us, when younger, had tempers the likes of which were rare. He and I worked hard, very hard, to develop our relationship into what it is now: a loving, caring, respectful, fun, cherished friendship. I call him one of my three best friends, my brother and my best friend being the other two. I am angry at something, I am terrified, and all I've ever asked God for was a peaceful, quiet, gentle passing for my gentle father. And I'm scared this won't be peaceful. (And of course, his death may not happen right now, either...but still, this is how I feel right now.) I heard him coughing this afternoon, and it physically hurt me to hear it. I don't know what will happen if (when) he passes. That's my father. My hero, my mentor, my best friend, my Pop. That man has been in my corner since I was born, despite whatever hoorah I got up to, or whatever trouble I've had. He's always been there, loving me, guiding me; a rock for me to hold on to when my life got too tough. And he's always been there to go with me for lunch just because, or to run out to dinner on the coast just because. I am so scared that our "just because" times are over, and that he won't be here this time next year. Dad and I are flying to my brother's for Christmas. We are not sure he can handle the flight, primarily because of the plane's pressurization. He will be talking to his specialist this week, so we'll know something for sure soon. But still...sitting with the possibilities of all of this has made my head spin. I know that the Dr. will have the best information, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about, and considering, the death of the most important man in my world. I need a Christmas Miracle. I really, really need one... My father is so very, very sick...and I'm terrified. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Knowing Lori, I completely understand your feelings, her feelings, and the slight concerns she has. But the day she sees your face after you've landed, she'll remember again how much you love this stuff. And when your kids see your face, they will reflect it back to you; and they will shine! And yes, of course I'll bring my gear. No doubts. YAY you!!! Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

So does this mean the next time I come back east I'll get to make a jump with you? Really???????? How totally wonderful. Lori is such a darling. And I am thrilled for the gang, too, because they also need to see their daddy doing something they love. I can just see your two oldest at the DZ with us, hooting and hollering when we land. They will love it. Congratulations, my friend. Rock on. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Remember when I sent you the PM and told you there was a reason I was sending it to you, but didn't know what it was? Roses. Remember when you told me about an experience you had? Patience. Remember when we sat out on SInkers porch and argued like a married couple, and soon enough we were laughing and hugging? Love. Remember that the best advise is to know you are surrounded by people who care? Friends. Chris, this is going to be such a test for you. Remember that love, patience, and friends will be what sees you through. And don't forget to smell the roses. I love you dearly. Hang in there; hopefully I'll make it that direction next summer and we can spend some time kicking rocks and laughing. That would be excellent. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Katie, can you please forward this note to Rebecca? And also realize that this will be my only contribution to this thread. Thanks! (And the best wishes at the bottom include you). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Rebecca: I'm one of those "gossiping", "nothing better to do" people on the site where the accident is being discussed. Realizing, and respecting, that your daughter has survived a horrific accident, I say "thank God." I also thank God for the lessons being learned - and relearned - here, not just in my personal case, but others that are expanding their knowledge base because of Shayna's accident. We are learning - and relearning: - that instructors who date their students tend to place them at higher risk than they otherwise would be; -that if one dropzone doesn't let a student jump, likely there is a good reason for it; -that wingloading - or the ratio of fabric to body weight - is still a very important consideration, regardless of what level you're at; -that brakes fire and can turn into a nasty mess fairly quickly if proper action is not taken; -that reserves can and will malfunction; -that learning more and more and more about how to fly a canopy is what will let someone survive to fly another day; -that not quitting might change the outcome; -that listening to what is being shouted and/or heard in the ear via the radio might just save our lives; and -skydiving is a small, compartmentalized community that can often be harsh, direct, and loud, but will always disect and learn from those mistakes of people who've gone before. I am so very thankful that Shayna lived through it. I am aghast that her instructor (37 years old) didn't know better than to sneak her off to another DZ when the original one said "no." His lack of common sense is astounding, and his callous disregard for your daughter's life has left me even more thankful that those instructors at my DZ are professional, kind, and caring. I had a cutaway on my third jump. I can completely understand the confusion and the terror which can encroach upon someone when they're suddenly fighting for their life...and I too had a bit of a deal made from my cutaway story. It's not unexpected, especially since Shayna found she was pregnant while in hospital. It's indeed a blessing that she and her child are fine... The upset that you're hearing about, Rebecca, is because we are all so angry that this happened in the first place. We are also angry that her boyfriend sits there and allows her to say things which damage our sport. Bad press is bad press. Stupidity is stupidity. I don't believe that Shayna has gone out and tried to get the attention...and indeed, as with any 21 year old, is reveling in it to some extent. That is normal. Her boyfriend's acts, behavior, and response is not. But when the attention dies down, and it will, Shayna will face some hard truths. Not the least of which is that her boyfriend has allowed her to paint such a horrid picture of skydiving to the general public. I can't fault Shayna; she doesn't know any better, being so young and a student. Another truth is that if she continues to skydive, she will need a lot of instruction from professional, competent people before she will be allowed in the air again. And the last truth is that some people shouldn't be teachers of a sport in which you can do everything right and still die. My very best to you, Shayna, your grandchild, and your family. I hope this Christmas season is the best, most blessed one you experience; it could've been very very different had Shayna not lived. Best to you, Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

You might be right, but the pressure wouldn't be relieved on my brother. My way, he doesn't have the pressure, and the kids also get a college fund (which, btw, they already have and regular contributions are made to it for them). My brother and his family will always have a place to live, then, without my brother's having to work 70- 80 hours a week (he might still work that much, but it won't be because he has to). Then he can also spend more time with his wife and kids, which he loves to do. So that's why I'd pay off the mortgage. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

I'd pay off my brother's mortgage. That way, his kids can have a great education without worrying about it because all the mortgage money could go into a fund for them. As for me, I'd prolly bank any balance, and maybe get over the pond to Ireland with my camera. That would be an amazing trip. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Alex, when you make an allegation like that, you **really** should take the time and back it up with a quote. Otherwise, it's just a bizarre statement, and should be disregarded. Darius, the difficulty I have, and that you didn't address, is the aggression which seems apparent in your statement. You said something that gave me the idea that if you thought something was going to happen, then you had the right - and indeed the obligation - to take action to prevent the action, or in your terms, the sin. Can you elaborate on that a bit, or maybe clarify your statement so I don't have that idea? I'm just trying to understand it more fully. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Jaye, well said. Thanks for that. It was a great thing that your teacher had a therapist, and was able to reach out to her. It's hard to describe, the inability to think normally. I call it going 23...whereas the normal mind will take A+B+C=D, the clinically depressed mind takes A_93+47-Q[72%+free]-1=23. And we think 23 is identical to D. Unless one understands the clinical aspect - the actual medical side - to this illness, one won't understand how difficult it is to get up and flip the happy switch. We don't deserve to be happy...it's just a tease, it's not real. The only thing real is the pain, the self-hatred, the agony of knowing I will live with this mind and this view for ever. And we don't think how it will hurt those around us; we actually believe it's a relief for them; they no longer have to worry about how we are, we are no longer a burden, and we will be releasing them from our badness so they won't suffer because of us any longer. And once a person gets to the Dr., and starts the medication, it can take up to 6 weeks to see results. Often, the meds first tried are not the right ones, and almost certainly not the right dose. So then the 6 week trial period starts again. And you can't start insight therapy until you're stable, or at least more stable than you've been for a while. That sort of therapy starts after you've learned better coping mechanisms, and have found a drug and the right dose (sometimes a combination of meds), and often have gone through at least one round of 6 weeks. What is a reasonable attempt? How long should one try? I don't know the answer, but it's the same idea as skydiving...don't go in without all handles pulled. And sometimes, it takes an awful lot to find the handles... Casual attitudes toward suicide is deadly. Cocheese stated something earlier in this thread (I think it's Cocheese, I might be wrong...). I paled when I read it. Not because of what it says...because that's something I used to say, in my teens and early 20's...I used to say "don't be upset if I suicide. I just want to know what comes next." No-one - including me - realized that it was a dangerous mindset...that I was deep in clinical depression, and that to even consider the possibility of suicide indicated a severe crisis and that significant help was needed. I didn't receive the help until I was in my mid-30's, and still I battle it. WHile I am not sick, I can't see suicide as an option. When I am depressed, I see it as clearly as I see this keyboard. Here's the deal, imho. If someone has passed the point of no return in a medical non-brain illness, the choice is theirs to do with the rest of their life as they see fit. If a person is depressed, suicide is the wrong answer, no matter how pretty it seems at the time. As I've said before on these boards, I'll say again...if you are considering suicide, take the time, PM me, and I'll do everything I can do to help you. Reach out, one more time. I've been there, and I've made it back. I will do everything I can to help you. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

First, let me say that I'm surprised at your initial quote. I indeed thought that islam was a peaceful religion, that it was the extremists in it that were the problem (and the same goes for extremists of all religion). But Darius, I'd like to ask for a clarification, if you would. You say that aggression towards others is acceptable - in fact, it could be unprovoked, as long as the threat is there - and indeed by preventing such attack - perceived or real - prevents someone from sinning. In essence, then, are you saying that it is a righteous, good thing, to prevent the sinner from sinning, or should you allow the sinner to sin, and punish accordingly? Thanks for any clarification you might provide. I most certainly don't want to twist anything around... Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Dishonesty hurts you...whether you believe it or not. It hurts you now, it will hurt you if it comes to light, and it will haunt you forever. Integrity is not easily come by; it's often challenged, and we are constantly presented with options that test us. To keep your integrity intact is often one of the hardest things to do...and it's done alone. All by yourself. Think about it this way...if you're a cop, and you bust someone with $5,000 in his pocket. It's a righteous bust; you get the drugs, too. What's the harm in skimming $1,000 off the top, book the rest - including all the drugs - into evidence? I mean, no one's gonna believe the bad guy when he says "hey, I had $5,000, not $4,000..." He likely won't even complain. Remember, it's a good bust...it probably won't even get to court - he'd plea it out. And hey, what's the problem, you took $1,000, and since he's a bad guy, it doesn't matter anyway. If it does go to court, and the bad guy has a really, really good lawyer, and the lawyer finds out that you lied to get onto the force, can you imagine how much shit you'll get while on the stand? And realize that if that happens, a jury will dismiss your testimony...and a bad guy goes free (frankly, that could happen with any arrest you make...if you lie now). It's the same situation...big honesty, little honesty, it's all the same thing. It doesn't transmute simply because the bad guy is a bad guy, or if you're being dishonest to protect yourself. It's dishonest. If you lie, you lie. If you don't, then you can easily "go confidently in the direction of your dream." To me, that you've chosen that as a sig line and then are considering dishonesty to acheive your dream, means you don't understand what you profess. Here's the other side of it. If, during the the training and 2 year probation period, you lose your job or somehow get hurt, if you've done right by your former employer and have been, as you said, a mover and shaker, then you will have little difficulty in obtaining a new position. You will have a good reference, and you will be able to put food on the table again. If you're so worried about getting hurt in the Academy and/or on the street, realize also that there is worker's comp you can use if you're hurt during employment. However, if you lie, and are caught lying, and you are dismissed from the force for dishonesty, then how do you explain that to the next employer? By lying again? Be honest. Start now. Who cares what others have said (and I'd be rather wary of those cops who've said to lie to get your position...IAD can be really, really sneaky...best to be squeaky clean at this point). You're a skydiver. You know how to take risk. I'd suggest you take this risk honestly, rather than search and hunt and fabricate a safety net...honesty is the base of integrity, and in the end, all you will ever have is integrity... Stand up straight, go confidently (honestly) in the direction of your dreams, and realize that you create the sort of future you will have starting now...if you want a future that is honest, start now. If you want to maintain your integrity, start now. And just a note - I am really sorry your Dad is doing poorly...spend as much time with him now as you can, tell him all the things you need to tell him, and love him as much as you can while you can. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Are you planning on being dishonest while you're in the academy, and then once you're a cop? 'Cause the road you choose now will be the road you're committed to for a long time. Geesh... See, if you're honest, and let them know you've enjoyed working for them, and want to move on to your dream job, you leave the door open. If you lie, then you shut all doors...imagine what the background check will reveal if they smell a lie...you're out without an injury. Don't lie. Be honest. For heaven's sake, you're wanting to be a cop. To stop lying now would be a good choice... Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

YAY for you, Keith. And a big hug! Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

I dunno, Evelyn. I just finished it, and found it...well...not scary. The book was far darker, scarier and more (something) than the movie. I don't think I'll have any trouble sleeping, alcohol or not. Pity. I was hoping for something more. 'Course, I don't scare easy, either, so maybe that's it. But hey, the eggnog was good (sweet or not, I like that.). Although, I must admit, some mulled cider sounds good, too. Maybe I'll make that up tomorrow night, and watch "Silence of the Lambs." Any recipe for mulled cider? Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

O.K., eggnog with Kahlua is really yummy. I'll try it with rum next, as that seems to be the accepted, general way to drink it...but I like it with Kahlua. 'Course, I like Kahlua a lot (I'll sip it straight...), so that might be the reason. Thanks again *(and that link is cool...thanks for that!) Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

LOL, no...it's not the same container. I promise. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Sled, I do believe it's good eggnog; I had some last year, and it was yummy. (No alcohol last year). Kahlua, rum, and bourbon. I've got the first two for sure, and I do believe I've got some bourbon, as well. I'm leaning towards the kahlua...I love that stuff. But I think I'll try some dark rum, as well. Thanks, guys. I **knew** I could count on you. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

So I've got this Eggnog. I have lots of different sorts of alcohol sitting around. What sort should I put in it? I'm gonna watch "IT" on DVD, and think I might need some help sleeping after that which is why the question... So...any idea? Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Something good which happened today was my Father's response to this. Indeed, he saw it; indeed, he called me. And to his enormous credit, he asked me what had happened...so I explained as best I could to him what I knew of, and how it could've been prevented. And then he asked me "did your training cover that?" I replied "Yes, Pop, I'm good to go in that regard. No guarantee that I'll do the right thing, but I've been trained for things like that, and I think about it all the time" and he told me "phew. I was thinking I'd give you the money to get the right training if you weren't." I told him to deposit it into my account instead, that I'd love more canopy training...he said he'd consider that. Back to the topic at hand, it's good to see Shayna trying to do the right thing. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

No, I don't think it's a white people thing...maybe it's because neither of them got the death penalty. The GRK pled guilty in exchange for LWOPing and identification/location of his victims. It caused an uproar (an understatement at best), but the loophole is that if there is one single death he caused which he didn't confess to, he can be tried and put to death for that. I believe the same thing happened to BTK (Bind, Torture, Kill)...he got LWOPed and not the death penalty. I'm not sure of the terms of his plea deal, so can't codicil it the same way as the GRK. I do believe that was Wendy's intention...I might be wrong, but I don't think it has much to do with the white/black thing. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

All while writing children's books... ... ... Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~