Jessica

You bad girl! I thought maybe your E-MAILIN' HAND was broken!!! Siiiiiigh...that's great. I told you to get your rear to Dallas a looooong time ago. I'm gonna be out at SDD the last weekend in December...your ass better be there.... Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

OK, this is funny. By Bill Radke. From: Bin Laden, Osama [mailto:osama@taliban.com] Sent: Monday, November 19, 2001 8:17 AM To: Cavemates Subject: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. Love you lots. Osama Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

What's bomber manufacturing? Do they have a web site? Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

No, of course not, that would be against regs. The one time I thought I had, I got on the ground and was informed that it was merely "industrial haze" I had popped out of at 5K. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Yeah, I was sorry I didn't get to meet you...I was out there all day Friday, but Saturday dawned really cloudy here in SA, so I decided not to make the drive. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

That's where my little brother's been stationed for the last three years. I offer to come visit, and he says, "NO, l'LL come visit YOU..." Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Cool! I'll be there on Saturday, I'll betcha. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

A year and a half. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Yeah, but a F-111 170 with 400 jumps on it didn't set me down nearly as well as an almost-new rental ZP 150 did. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

You know, it's funny how that works. My parents are both private pilots, and I was yapping to my dad about a malfunction once, and he said, "That's nothing. Let me tell you about this time when I had ALL YOU KIDS sittin in the back...." Now that was one hell of a story. Also, piloting canopys and bringing planes in for a landing have more in common than I'd thought. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Yeah, absolutely. When I recover from being broke from learning to skydive (I figure it'll only take another 5-10 years) I'm totally looking into it. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Er.... First tell me what you've heard. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

OMG, me too. I actually agree with you. I think there's some major girl-predjudice out there. Maybe I'll demo/rent something a little smaller in a ZP. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Nah, no one'll yell at you. Where do you jump? See...at more than 60 jumps, I've only got three stand-ups. I figure I need the most canopy-help I can get. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Well, I jump at Skydive San Marcos now, which a VERY cool DZ...but.... Skydive Dallas will ALWAYS be home. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Agreed. I check my reserve pin on my Reflex myself, and once I get that baby on my back, I'm comfortable with the fact that it's not going anywhere. Honestly, I don't know if I'd want someone opening and closing the reserve cover flap all the time. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Well, as everyone probably knows from my defensiveness, my main is an F-111 PD 170. While I adore my l'il canopy, after putting 50 jumps on it, I think I might want to experience this thing they call "penetration." I'm considering a Hornet, because they're less expensive, though I'm open to other options. My question: is it better to buy new, or to save a couple hundred dollars and find one that has a couple hundred jumps on it? I'm planning on downsizing a bit with this purchase (getting down to a 1:1 loading, heh heh), and I think this'll be my canopy for a long little while, so I want to make the right decision. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Amen, girlfriend. I agree. Boobies, whatever. It's funny. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Spelunking! Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

I'm not sure if this mocks yanks or Texans more, but it's funny. INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I amsupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Ah, you kill me...

Heh heh...aw yeah. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Yep, YOU OWE ME NOW. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark is my all-time, never-will-be-beaten favorite. I liked Pulp Fiction a lot, too. Elections's a good flick. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!

Nope. There's only a chatroom when Sangiro opens it up. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!