I guess it’s about time I got my first-jump story down somewhere…it’s been a year and a half, and every good skydiver should be able to point people to a Web page link where they can learn all about his or her first jump. Here’s what I remember. I decided I was gonna do it for my 24th birthday. I was bragging about it to some friends a few weeks before the fact, and my buddy Brad, never to be outdone in the bravado department, said he’d do it too. The night before, we all stayed up really late, getting drunk and talking about what badasses we were. I crashed at Brad and Kate’s place, getting almost no sleep on the sofa. We had reservations for 9 a.m., so we left the apartment at 8 a.m. Brad and I (the skydivers!) were in one car, and Kate (good friend of mine and Brad’s girlfriend), Jenny (another friend), and Garth (ex-boyfriend and friend) were in another. I made Brad stop at McDonalds. I sure as hell wasn’t gonna hop out of an airplane hungover AND on an empty stomach. At 9 a.m., we were nowhere near the dz. Brad and I started to panic, sure that we’d missed our chance. As it turns out, when we got there, no worries. They were happy to take our money. We watched an instructional video with a gaggle of nervous college students. We were all on edge, trying to hide it with bad, morbid jokes. The video was horrible (y’all have seen them), so that made things a little better. “The. Most. Important. Thing. To. Do. Is. Arch.” This from a bearded, humorless man in a video the quality of what my brother and I made on our Fischer-Price contraption. Then it was time to wait. A summer Saturday at a busy DZ…you know how the tandems get backed up. We waited, striking up stilted conversations with other tandem students. We had a lot on our minds, you see. “Jessica and Brad to the school!” screamed the P.A., and we both jumped a foot. I was roughly handled as the harness was adjusted, but I barely noticed. I thought I looked so damn cool in that jumpsuit and harness. I tried to inconspicuously check myself out in the full-length mirror. “What are you doing, checking yourself out?!” someone yelled from across the hangar. Busted. Brad was introduced to his tandem instructor, a thin guy with long hair and a droopy mustache. Ernie. “Where’s MY instructor?” I squeaked. “I think he’s sleeping off his hangover,” Ernie told me jovially. “But don’t worry, I’ll remind him to take his pills.” Ha ha. My instructor turned out to be a person named “Dave,” who was apparently going to get down from one tandem, then run over and do mine. Holy shit. I wanted a nice, calm instructor. A well-rested instructor. An almost-comatose instructor. Time to go. Brad and Ernie strode to the loading area; I scurried behind, alone. Brad HAD an instructor. I was about to get on a plane with no parachute. Then, in slow motion, loping across the field: DAVE. He ran over, swung a huge rig onto his back, grinned at me, and said hi. He looked like a fucking superhero. “Um, hi.” I said with a stupid grin. So we got on the plane, a big yaller scary-lookin’ super otter. We tandems were all the way in the back. Brad and were facing each other on bench seats. We were packed in tight. The plane took off. Holy shit fuck fuck fuck. Dave rested his arm on my shoulders. I felt better. The plane climbed. I was staring straight ahead. An AFF instructor across and a little diagonal from me noticed me. “What’s the matter with you?” he asked. He grinned at me, then deliberately lifted his feet and dropped them in my lap. I looked at his feet, looked back at him, and, smiling sweetly, gave him the finger. “All right!” he said, looking astonished. I felt better. Oh God. Everyone was putting on their goggles and helmets and stuff. “Tandem room!” Dave called, and everyone scooted. I presented my back to him and he hooked us up. My head was spinning. Nothing seemed real. “Door” someone called, and the DOOR FUCKING OPENED OH MY GOD THE DOOR IS OPEN. It’s okay, it’s okay. Then a bunch of crazy fuckers climbed around on the outside of the plane, hanging there like monkeys. Then, with a deliberate shove, they all fell off! The plane lurched, and I think my mind slipped one groove closer to insanity in that moment. People kept falling out. Falling people, hee hee hee. I was crazed. Dave made me scoot toward the door. I was trying to convey to him, without having to come out and say it, that the door was the last thing I wanted to be near. He ignored my body language and shoved me along. Oh my fuck we’re in the door. Oh my fuck I’m crossing my arms across my chest. Oh my fuck he’s rocking forward back and forwa - I don’t remember the next few seconds. Sorry. I came to when I started wondering why there was a man with a camera on his head flying around me. I slowly realized where I was and what I was doing. My face suddenly split into the biggest, hardest grin I could muster. I’ve never been so fucking happy. My goggles rode up and, Dave had to reach down and fix them. I thought this was hilarious and great. All too soon, I saw a hand wave in front of my face. Dave had asked if I wanted to pull the ripcord, and I’d said sure. I felt a hand guide me to a handle, and I pulled. FOOMP. And it was the purest quiet I have ever known. Later, on the ground, I told someone that it was like having the best, most frantic sex of your life, then this beautiful, 5 minute orgasm. Dave and I drifted for a while. The perspective was so alien, and so beautiful. The air caressed my face, every part of my body. “I don’t ever want to go back down there,” I said over my shoulder to Dave. “Only skydivers know why the birds sing,” Dave told me. Then we were quiet. Dave tried to get me to play with the toggles, but I was too stunned. I just held them limply. The ground came closer and closer, and then we slid in right in front of the hangar. I was beside myself. I couldn’t move, but I was so worked up I needed to run laps or something. I started fumbling frantically with the harness, trying to get it off me. Dave unhooked me, and I half-ran to the hangar without a backward glance. I met Brad and Kate and Jenny and Garth and they hopped up and down as I stared dumbly at them. When I pulled myself together, I tracked Dave down, tipped him, and gave him a hug. Later, at lunch, I downed three beers in 20 minutes and didn’t feel a thing. “Why are you so quiet, Jess?” my friends asked. “Are you okay?” They had no idea. Pet me! I'm harmless and cute!
