Michele

Good question, and I suspect the answers will be varied. Might actually merit some further research, if only to establish anecdotal data. I'm going to answer it this way: I am very not good at skydiving. Therefore, any sports I have participated in did not lend themselves to my sky athletic (non)abilities. As I am a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, competed in gymnastics, ice skating, and have spent many summers playing in a pool and many winters skiing; as I was on Team Dance, Drill and Cheer teams (years ago...many years ago) have danced many years (as a child/teen) and spent one summer running away from a ball in softball (damnit, they weren't soft!!!)...I figure: either I'm simply a klutz (which is very likely) or I missed the one thing which would translate to an appreciable skill in the air... Just my .02, and I really will be interested in seeing the others' responses to this question. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Sharkie, will you be at Perris or Elsinore? Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Uh, well, (cough cough...) I only saw the ones Pop was on (and I think I saw "Soup Nazi")...I really don't like the show, and tend to not enjoy sitcoms anyway... let me clarify...(see above)...therefore, unless my Pop was on some that I wasn't aware of (which could be so), the bookstore one is by far the best of my Pop's episodes. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Are rumors still rumors if they're true? Yes, once when I was 9 or so...and I got caught, and learned the valuable lesson that breaking the law isn't such a good thing. Never shoplifted again. Mike, if you mean the Bookstore episode, that was by far my favorite episode. And that was the only one I didn't go see taped, either. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

There is a law here in LA that by the time one closes an escrow (or leases/rents), there must be working smoke detectors in the bedrooms, and the hallway between the kitchen and the bedrooms...and escrow (or lease/rental) cannot close unless these have been checked and certified (it also includes hot water heater strapping, and the seismic shutoff valve installation). This is a good thing... Sometimes, during an inspection, we find that the alarms have been turned off or otherwise disabled, because they kept going off, or that the batteries were dead. And I always think "it's a good thing you didn't have a fire". I'm sorry to hear about the deaths. And even sorrier that it was easily prevented. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

As have I... As to whether or not it's a troll, I am not sure it matters, actually. There may be people who read through the thread, looking for answers. I hope that we were able to reach those who feel they are unreachable, and let them know people are here should they want/need to talk. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

What a way to start the week! It's so absolutely true. I will make it point to thank those who have supported me, and who continue to do so... And I'll start by saying, "Jan, you rawk! Thanks!!!"... Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

The poor thing! Esse was spayed on Monday, and they shaved her tummy. She's been really cold, shivering and snuggling - and it hasn't even been really cold here! Charlotte won't let me groom her - she bites if I do, and so when a mat appears, out come the scissors. Sigh. Life with felines.... Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Isn't that class the best, the absolute best? I mean, he explains stuff and teaches it so well that you actually remember it - and more amazing, understand it - in the air. He (and the others) rawk, simply rawk. Sorry to hear about the full contact stuff. Not that we didn't have any of that going on...LOL...but I can imagine after a week of jumping, it would be hard on the body (shoot, after one day I am sore and achy). I have found that aspirin and Jack Daniels is a great after-jump experience...in moderation, of course. Hugs to you and Steve! Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Uh, Ed? DZ.com is my log book - LOLOLOL!!!! The actual thing really isn't that interesting. Gawain, yes, we need to jump. I wanna try Elsinore again, maybe sooner rather than later, but it will depend on some other things which are working. Jan, I am sending stuff, but haven't heard yet from anyone. Seems that I can't send the stuff I post here - something about first rights or something, so dunno what I'll do about that. But who knows, things seem to have a way of working out for the most part (hey, remind me of that when I slammed by depression again, o.k.?) Let me know - I would be tickled to jump with you both again...and maybe by then I will have learned to stay with the group I leave the plane with. Or maybe not. But a girl can hope, right? LOL Gawd, I can't wait to get into the sky again. May be a few weeks, but then, who knows - maybe I'll be actually ordering my container...still lacking a reserve and cypres...but it's coming together...slowly, but coming together. Hope all had great weeks, and even better weekends! Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Hey, Kev... If there's any way I can swing it, I'll do what I can to be there, too. 'Twould be fun! Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

What a note to wake up to! Steve, that was soooo nice of you...I know, I'll go have another cuppa coffee and see if this stays...LOL! Y'know, it was totally my honor to jump with the two of you and then Glen. I got to learn so much - so very much - from you about flying, and about smiling. How kewlio it was for me...cautious (O.K., paranoid) as I am. I was so concerned that you'd hate jumping with me, especially when I got lost. As for chemistry, I dunno about that, but it was without doubt some kinda fun. New friends, new exits, new funnels, new adventures. What more is there? It was so much fun to meet you guys - and once I'm a hair more confident and have a fatter wallet (and my own gear), I think a road trip to your dz is in order...except I'm rather quite concerned about the shooting range you have to fly over. Talk about obstacles.... "INCOMING!!!" LOL!!! Glad you two made it home safely, but I thought you were coming home today, and not yesterday. And the weather was glorious for this, wasn't it? Tickled to hear you had a good time jumping - how many jumps did you manage to get in over the week? And were you able to do the canopy stuff on Friday? Thanks again for the great day! You two rock - and I'll take you up on jumping together again...and maybe sooner than a year! Hugs to you both! Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Me too....Thanks, Chris, and all other pilots. Often we forget to say thanks to those guys who let us throw ourselves from their planes...I know I have. After a day of jumping, it's very easy to get absorbed into the crowd, and to forget the reason we can do this is because of them. Those pix are great, and really points out the team effort it took to get this record - yes, all the jumpers and the photogs, but the pilots and ground crew and everyone else - a true team, and a great result. Thanks, Chris. And thanks to all the pilots who take us to our playground - and an especial one to Rob for taking great care of me on my first solo....I was the last one on the plane and he gave me a go-around so I had nothing to worry about. It's not been forgotten! Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Go ahead and check out Texas, Cora...but leave the best for last...when are you coming out to LA? Let me know - you'll have a place to stay here! Also, haven't had a chance to check on the other issue for you, but will handle that this week. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Whhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooohhhhhhhhoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Oh, wait...one small problem. I'm not dating anyone right now, and I am working all weekend, not "working it"... I haven't gotten any in a long while, and it will likely be a long while before that happens. I think your majik 8-Ball is broken, Jess. Or I am leading a double life so secret even I don't know about it! Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Well, Jess, ask if I will get some? I'm not a greenie... Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

So, o.k., I didn't think that I was going to respond. Too many bad memories, too hard to articulate. And frankly, too angry at some of you posters and the comments. I am not going to comment on that, and, as stated, troll or not, suicide is a very important thing to deal with maturely. As some of you have had to deal with it, and as the rest of you have not, let me give you some insight. I sat there one evening, not too long ago. Contemplating the bottle of pills. Thinking about how badly I've screwed up, how many things I'd touched and had tarnished. How amazingly perfectly I had failed - failed everyone. I sat there, thinking about how badly I hurt, how difficult it was to continue because of the pain, because of my inability to continue on in this condition. I sat there and thought about how easy - and welcome - it would be to just stop the hurting...just stop the constant failures and pain and anxiety and agony. So easy...and the only thing I could think of to stop the pain was death. What you people who've never handled this don't understand is when you're there, it's the only way, at that moment, to stop the hurt which is unbearable, unbelieveable, and incapacitating. I used so say I was so down in the bottom of the hole that when I looked up, I got dirt in my eyes. It has nothing to do with wanting to die, and everything to do with wanting to stop the pain, overwhelming and incredibly heavy. It has everything to do with the darkness so black that you cannot see the light - even one small pinspot of light, far away. There is nothing left to hold on to, nothing to stop the floor from falling, no end. And I thought about it. Decided to put it off for a day. Not because I'd figured out the solution, but because it was too close to a family member's birthday. So I waited a few weeks, and repeated the process...thinking, considering, drinking, frantically searching for that floor, something to stop the spiral. And decided to put it off for a few weeks more, because now it was too close to a holiday, and I didn't want to leave near that time because of the heartache... (But it also didn't matter about the heartache, because I was worth so little, caused so much pain to my family and friends, caused them so much concern and worry, that I figured it would be easier for them if I died, and not bothered them any more.) Finally, I managed to call a help center, and they did not judge, didn't scream at me that I'd burn in hell, or that it was selfish. I didn't think it would help, you see, because I was not worth helping, not worth taking up oxygen that would be better served with someone else. Not worth it. And the lady on the phone talked to me for many hours...and convinced me that she thought I was worth one last shot, one more try...but a real one, not a fake one. One last time, pulling myself up by my bootstraps and trying again. Because I don't make promises lightly, I promised her I would call a therapist and go in for an evaluation... Epic story somewhat shorter, I went in, got on some medication (after lots of resistence, I might add), and managed to pull myself out of the hole I had been in for literally years. I had undiagnosed and untreated clinical depression, and was able to stablize - get the floor under me - long enough to learn how to cope with it. How to recognize it and move through episodes unmedicated and somewhat productively. I recently went through a severe episode, and managed to survive it and hang on through a really rough year. I recognize that it's something I will contend with for as long as I am alive...and suicide is not a consideration for me personally any more. Here's the thing. If you do decide to do it, make sure it isn't skydiving. Make sure you can't hang on one more day. Make sure you really can't see the pinspot of light. Make sure you really don't have any reason to get through the night and into the day. And then wait... I'm not going to hand you any criticism. I am not going to tell you "don't do it". I am going to say that I've been there, and I know how difficult it is to be where you are. I am going to tell you that I am holding out my hand, and I'm here. And if you can't reach it, that's o.k...I have long arms. I'll stretch. It's a long hard road back, but if I can do it - weak, fearful, confused, lost in the dark - I believe that you can, too. I am nothing special. I am no superwoman. I am nothing other than ordinary...if I can manage to make it through, I believe you will, as well. Take my hand. I'm here. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Jim, thanks. It is powerful, to say the least. And perfectly what I needed to see and read. I will copy it, attribute it to Beth Harris, and send it over to Dr. B. I think he could use it as much as me. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Jim, thank you. Oh my goodness, thank you. And while I sit here, reading through all the responses, tears yet again tracking salt lanes down my cheeks, falling onto my beloved kitty's head, I thank all of you. For all the posts, for all the pm's, and the phone calls. For the support, the comfort, the sincerity, but mostly, for showing your hearts here. It's a huge comfort knowing you all are here. It will be hard, letting her go when it's time. And it will be harder to ignore it, prolong her life for death will come to claim us all. It just hurts so badly. 16 years. She's nagging me for dinner right now - sometimes, she doesn't seem ill. And sometimes, you can see it so plainly...I talked to the vet a while this afternoon when I picked up Esse, and he thinks it won't be tomorrow, but it also won't be 2 months. Jim, can I give that to my vet? MissKris, I gave him the website "petloss" and the poem "Rainbow Bridge", and I think maybe it will help someone else who's in my shoes. Thank you guys. Thank you so much, from the bottom of a bruised and aching heart tonight, thank you. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

What I am bad at (the list is long, so I'll just name the top five, in no particular order. 1. Dealing with thieves, dishonest people, and those who we used to call "posers"... 2. Treating myself right 3. Loss 4. Confidence 5. Getting back to a formation once I accidentally get separated. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Some of you may recall back two months or so that I had Bitch Kitty at the vet's and that she had surgery. At 16, it was dicey with her being operated on. The vet removed several teeth, and scraped her jaw, dealing with the abcess there. Several weeks went by when I gave her oral antibiotics, and she started to respond. She was back to her bitchy self, feisty and cantankerous and cuddly. Last week, her jaw swelled up and she lost her balance several times. Knowing I was going to get Esse-cat fixed today, I made an appointment for BK, as well. Esse went in, and is fine...and BK went in, and is about as far from fine as a cat can be. The tumor has spread, and has lodged not just in her jaw, but is now in her sinus, her middle ear, and behind her right eye. She's lost nearly 2 lbs (which, when your starting weight is 9.9 lbs, is a significant amount). The doctor has gently suggested that I consider putting her down. She is not in great pain yet, but it seems to be a fast spreading cancer, and she's too old for treatment. And treatment would make her life miserable. He is willing to try, but he cautioned me that if it worked, it wouldn't extend her life too long anyway - she is old as it is. Operations at her age are not very good, and he could only remove the jaw...which would allow her to live, but her quality of life would be very very bad. But she's my girl. My littlest girl. My little black fuzzy feisty ball of demanding love, purring in my ear all night. She is my touchstone. She has been more faithful to me than any friend or mate I've ever had, more honest in her affections, more true. She's been with me for 16 years. I remember her as a kitten - curled in the palm of my hand, fast asleep. Trusting, content. She greets me at the door, and loves me up. She snuggles with me, pawing her way under the blanket, warm ball of purring fur nestled against my side. How do I make this decision? How can I let her go, move on, when I'm not ready to do it yet? She is not in great pain, but how do I know when she is? How do I do this right, so that she and I have a small measure of time together, and then let her be free from her aged body. How do I know when it's time? How do I know??? How do I know that it's just me being selfish, and not wanting to let her pass away, that it really is her time, that it really is now, and that it's better for her to die gracefully and with dignity and pride intact? How do I know? Is it gauged on how many hugs I can squeeze into these last few days, how many special treats and morsels of food she can eat? Is it judged on how many more nights she will curl up with me, or how many more mornings I will wake to find her purring in my ear? How do I know when it's time to let her be free, irrespective of how much it hurts me in my soul? How do I make sure I am not cheating her of a few days' life, but not causing her more pain and suffering? Is it based on how many tears I shed? Is it determined by how many hours she curls in my lap when I'm at the computer? How do I know? My God, how do I know?

High: Skydiving this weekend Low: Finding out BKat is very very sick, and a decision needs to be made. Also finding out that someone I trusted very much lacks personal honesty. Big high, big low(s). Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Suds! - Where are you? I miss you and didn't see you at the DZ saturday. Come back! Come home! Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

Tell ya what, Lisa and all - I'll run ground crew, and cheer loudly whether it goes or not...as evidenced by the other day's jump, I am beyond "not ready" to fly in the record, but I'll set a record for the best ground crewing there is. How's that? Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~

See, that will teach me to post without proofing and not feeling well! That was supposed to be 100%....not 1--% Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~