DShiznit

Done, I'll post an update when received.

I meant to get a full description, that way it doesn't look like you don't know what's going on when you apply... Trying to help a brotha out...

LOL - that is one pimp dog, you gotta admit...

I work for a Lead company, so I am taking that in context.... Want me to email them?? hehe...

eh....

That's exactly what it is.... post the description

It's because you are taking them all out of commission!!!

Maybe you should take the bus or ride a bike....

Sorry! A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a respons! e. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a democrat consultant" says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required" answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.......... Now give me back my dog...

You haven't read all of the jokes in this thread yet....

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a respons! e. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis??? The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate. St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis.. The nun is a little reluctant but reply's Well I once fondled and stroked one.. St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate... All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush??? The nun reply's If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery."

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

As a lady passed them on the street. They were going back and forth and the lady couldn't help but overhear them. "It's W-H-O-M-B", the first one slurred. "No, you idiot, it's W-O-O-M-B", yelled the second one, staggering. The lady, trying to be helpful, approached and said, "Excuse me gentlemen, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I believe the correct spelling is W-O-M-B." One drunk looked at the other, then turned to the lady and said, "Look, Mrs. Knowitall, I doubt very seriously you've ever heard an elephant fart in a cave."

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties and used them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath on a grave, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands phone the other husband and said " These girls nights out have to stop. My wife came home with no panties." "That's nothing!" said the other husband. Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you!"

HAH!!! That's a funny one!!!

3 women die tragically in 3 different automobile accidents, they all go to heaven and are greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter told all 3 women just to make sure they didnt step on any of the geese wandering around- (there were millions of geese) One of the three were walking around and stepped on a goose....and soon after St. Peter shows up and brings the ugliest man she had ever seen, and shackled the two together- to spend eternity as her punishment. The two women left watched the whole thing and were terrified they would end up the same way- so they watched their step everywhere they went. A few days went by, and one of the women accidently stepped on a goose. Here comes St. Peter with an even uglier man! AND as usual they were shackled together for eternity for her punishment. The last woman is just horrified this will happen to her, so for ages she was careful to where she stepped. One day she is walking along and here comes St. Peter with an absolutely gorgeous man- and shackles the two together. The woman thinking for her good behavior- looked at the dreamy man and said " What did I do!" He looked at her and said " I dunno what you did, but I stepped on one of the stupid geese.

Three 'strangers' strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a 'fundamentalist' Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim, and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

Ok.....18 year old girl tells her mother that she is 3 months late on her period. Well, the mother is just enraged with anger, storms out of the house and returns a few minutes later with an EPT (Error Proof Test) pregnancy test. She tells her daughter to go to the restroom and take the test. After a couple minutes, the daughter returns with the EPT test. Lo and behold, she is pregnant. The mother just goes crazy, yelling and screaming at her daughter. "How could you let this happen?" "Who is the pig that has done this to you?" The daughter leaves the room and makes a phone call. The mother calls her husband and, in a flash he walks in the door. Not saying much but, she can tell her is furious with her. About an hour later, a new Ferrari, Bright red 355GTS, pulls into the driveway. An older, distinguished gentleman, salt & Pepper hair, middle 50's, gets out of the car and comes to the door. The youg girl escorts the man to the living room where her mother and father are seated. The man sits down and says, "First, I must say that I apologize for this inconvience that I have caused your family." But, I am a man who will take care of her and her child. I cannot leave my own family so, here is what I will do.... If she bears a boy, I will bequeth him a Factory, a home in the city, a summer home at the lake and a bank account worth 2 million dollars. If she bears a girl, I will bequeth her a Factory, a townhome in the city, and a bank account worth 1 million dollars. If by chance she bears twins, A factory each, townhome each and 1 million each. Now, in the unfortunate circumstance that she has a miscarrige, what do you suppose I should do?" Before anyone could speak, the father of the young girl stands up and walks over to the man. He puts a strong, firm grasp on the man's shoulder, neals down and say's....... "You'll fuck her again!!"

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. Works every time!"

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled... ...so I told her to fuck off.

A man comes home early from work. His wife meets him at the door. wife: "Honey, why are you home so early?" husband " well I got fired!" she says "what do you mean you got fired ? you've been working in that pickle factory for twenty years" he says " well for twenty years I've been wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer and today I did!" the wife runs over and rips his pants down to inspect the damage. "well you look alright to me what happened to the pickle slicer?" he said " they fired her too!"

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor,sometimes the bull wins!"