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The best one I ever saw was when I was in Bosnia. As background for non-military types, when it comes to polishing boots, there are three types of people. The first type can think about a boot and it begins to radiate beauty on its own. The second type can put considerable effort into shining a pair of boots and they can be presentable. The third group couldn't make a pair of boots look like they'd been anywhere but a rodeo if they worked day and night on them. A key fact to keep in mind is that uniformity counts for a lot more than overall quality. Regardless which group you're in, everything has to be the same. We were allowed two 96-hour passes during our tours over there. When we returned, someone picked us up from the airport and drove us to the barracks where we changed quickly into BDUs and busted our butts getting back to duty. There were nine of us bunking in one room and, one day when I got off duty, I found an E-7 sitting on his bunk shining a pair of boots. He was in the first category of people above. I commented on the fact that his boots were so shiny they were unreal. The following conversation went something like this. Me: Whose boots are they? Him: Not boots. Boot. Just one. Me: Okay, whose boot is it? Him: Col. _____'s Me: Why are you shining his boot for him? Him: He doesn't know. Me: Okay, where is he? Him: On pass. He gets back tomorrow. At that point it dawned on me what he was doing. Imagine what must have gone through the colonel's mind when he got back and found one boot glistening and the other one, well, looking like it normally did. It's all about uniformity, right? I'll bet he hated having to repolish that boot so it didn't look so good! Blue skies and happy landings!

In the military, I don't care what your primary job is. If things hit the fan, you're a grunt. At that point, I don't want someone sitting next to me crying and unable to do the job. Sorry if I sound peeved but I saw it in Bosnia and yes, it did leave me a little jaded. I don't look at it from a sexist standpoint, rather from an ability standpoint. I've met women in the military I'd much rather have by my side in a tough situation than an awful lot of the men I knew. It has nothing to do with having an innie or an outie; it's about your ability to perform. If you can't handle it, get out. Blue skies and happy landings!

When I was taking physics in college, we were told that the classic example of torque was when you had a boner so hard that when you tried to push it down to take a leak, it knocked your feet out from under you. Blue skies and happy landings!

Beautiful! Blue skies and happy landings!

I showed my wife. Her comment was, and I quote, "Oh, good God!" Blue skies and happy landings!

Well done, Sean! Who knows, we may even end up jumping together somewhere sometime in the future. After all, we seem to have the same number of jumps. Stranger things have happened... Blue skies and happy landings!

They even have movies of the product in use. Whatta web site! Blue skies and happy landings!

This post is in response to a woman who was mortified by the confusion she caused when she inadvertently walked into a men’s restroom. I've copied it from the source and am posting it here for your amusement. Enjoy. ***** Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare that us guys ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes, I go in to the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around just so I'll make sure I hit something! You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg and onto his shoe. I'm telling ya, those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep. Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you. It's a real problem and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood." Most mornings, us guys wake up with two things, a tremendous desire to pee and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend, you can't aim. Well hell, if you can't aim, you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that cushioned toilet seat. And by the way, when you use those cushioned toilet seats, the friggin' lid won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the lid and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this), you think you can get the toilet seat with that cushioned thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that cushioned thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed cushion starts to decompress and, without warning, that toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a cushioned toilet seat; it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, “Look, it won't bend.” She said, "So sit down like I told you to do the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat and, before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get if forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs on to that matching fuzzy horseshoe rug women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position: lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance and great precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that we men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's Mother Nature. Now, if it had been Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem. ***** Blue skies and happy landings!

The "Pull My Finger" Everyone enjoys a good chuckle and nothing produces one as consistently as the classic "pull my finger" gag. Many a gullible child has set a PMF into motion by tugging on the digit of a father or favorite uncle. The PMF has the distinction of being hte only fart which is employed strictly for comedic purposes. SBD This is perhaps the most dangerous of all farts. It's like the ninja of passed gas. Without any warning, the SBD's foul fumes quickly spread, creating panic and destruction in its deadly wake. The unknown origin of an SBD results in denials and acusations. Typically, the person who did it tries to blame it on the dog. The Machine Gun A rapid-fire "rat-a-tat-tat" sound is created by gas bubbles causing the sphincter to open and close quickly, thus producing short but numerous farts in quick succession. This fart is one of the largest gas (as well as laughter) producing types. The Shock Wave Trying to suppress the release of intestinal gas can result in an intense pressure buildup, resulting in the shock wave: one long release of incredible power. The sonic wave generated by this particular fart can be heard for miles. There have also been reports of structural damage. The Big Wet One The human body is complex, mysterious and often disgusting. When it vents gas, sometimes other things are expelled as well - stinky wet things. Accompanied with its distinct wet sound, nothing can empty a room or fill your pants as quickly as a BWO. The Trumpet One or, more often, a series of loud farts that vary in pitch or tone is what researchers call the trumpet. With practice and proper diet, simple musical compositions can be performed...preferably at an outdoor ampitheater. The Carbonator Decades before the invention of the hot tub, flatulent people in the bath were enjoying bubbles of their own making. As to swimming pools, do you think that people who pee in the pool would ever think twice about farting in it? The Blowtorch Mankind's fascination with farts has led to all kinds of experiments. The application of flame, usually from a cigarette lighter held near the body's "rear exhaust pipe" can ignite the expelled flammable methane gas. The Oopsie-Daisy Try as you might, sometimes you just can't help but bust a little wind. Often at the most inappropriate times and places. The Oopsie-Daisy (also known as teh "excuse Me") most frequently occurs in the workplace, elevators and fine restaurants and is usually followed by blushing ad a sheepish grin. The Aplified Commode Blow Unless you've brought a periodical with you, sitting on the toilet can be a tiresome and uninspiring experience. A commode blow, however, will not only provide you with instant gratification, it will also produce a sound three times as loud as those made by conventional farts. Early Morning Beer Farts Due to its effect on the digestive system and its carbonated nature, beer is usually listed among the top fart-producing substances. While beer farts do have plenty of unpleasant properties, other foods and drinks contribute to the possibility of flatulence as well. Blue skies and happy landings!

Classic! Blue skies and happy landings!

No, that was his cat that took the piss... Blue skies and happy landings!

This one has to be the ultimate in Stoopid Stoodent Per Jeff's link on the same page, go to http://www.skydivingmovies.com look in the "From TV" category and check out 4freefall. (They're having some problems with the server today but it's worth trying back again later.) It's staggering. The twit pulled away from his instructor and cut away his main, thinking he was deploying. His instructor tossed his pilot chute out for him at about the same time. Mr. Brilliant then ended up on his back and couldn't figure out how to arch. He then ended up plowing the only power lines in the area. Somebody buy the guy a bowling ball for Christmas. Blue skies and happy landings!

Peggy, you're my idol! That was classic! Blue skies and happy landings!

Holy cow! Okay, maybe not holy but bovine for sure! Blue skies and happy landings!

Once I'm gone, I certainly don't need 'em anymore. Give 'em to someone who can use them and save a life... Blue skies and happy landings!

Blue skies and happy landings!

D'oh! Blue skies and happy landings!

I'll try to grab the picture I took and scan it but in the meantime, here's an honest-to-goodness one for 'ya. We went to Winslow, AZ, at Thanksgiving. We were driving around when I started laughing my butt off and did a U-turn right in the middle of the intersection so I could go back and get a picture of this bonafide redneck's house. This guy had a sturdy swingset for his kids made of thick metal pipe straddling his driveway. That's no big deal but... The dude threw the swings over the sides and used the sucker as an engine hoist for his truck! That was a classic... Blue skies and happy landings!

This is an appeal on behalf of my friend Miguel who is in a Spanish hospital and is desperate for money to pay the medical bills. Do you know anyone who wants to buy his camera? Sony digital, hardly used... $300 The last picture he took is attached so you can see the picture quality. Blue skies and happy landings!

Ayup, my A license showed up in the mail yesterday. Woo hoo! Any idea why the USPA doesn't use membership numbers as license numbers? It would seem like it would make it easier. As a student, you have a membership number. As you progress through the licensing, you stick letters in front of it. Perhaps they could do like the military does with MOSes and stick alpha designators after the number for special ratings. It does seem a little odd, though, that I have two numbers with the same organization. On the other hand, who cares? I have my A license! Yippee!

I don't understand why so many of you use three alarms - I only have one. Of course, it sits on top of the microwave in the kitchen. Blue skies and happy landings!

Just about anything from a swap meet. My mother-in-law likes to bring me gifts from swap meets. I smile and try to look pleased but... Y'know, maybe I should just say gifts from my mother-in-law. She went on vacation once and brought me back some weird statue of half a bear (front half) for me to put on my desk (which is messy anyway). I thanked her, stuck it behind my monitor and speakers until a suitable amount of time had passed and donated it to the Salvation Army with a bunch of other stuff I was cleaning out. Sheesh. Blue skies and happy landings!

One more thing. If you're thinking about getting one of the ultralight laptops, make sure it has everything you need. I saw an unbelievably small/light Dell laptop that impressed me until I realized that it had no CD drive. You had to buy a docking station and carry it with you in order to be able to access an optical drive. Yurg. I'm sure the other manufacturers do similar things to save space/weight. Blue skies and happy landings!

Nice combination, Blake! Blue skies and happy landings!

Watch the DZ.com classifieds for a deal on a Pro-Track. Why "waste" your money on something you'll be replacing later? Lurk in the classifieds and pounce when you see something good. Blue skies and happy landings!