freefallfreak

SIGNS OF WEAR "OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 40 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. 6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's. "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Periodic Elements Valuable scientific data. Two proposed new additions to the periodic table of elements: Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180+/-50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

The proposal - A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is... "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

The nurse Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are there to get a vasectomy. The nurse comes into the room and tells both men to "strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedure done". A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?" To which she replied "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man. She starts to fondle the 2nd man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job??" The nurse simply replies, "That's the difference between an HMO & complete coverage!!" "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, " Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Hamsters! (If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!!) Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded,"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" she inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know, "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy." "What!?" "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's...just...Excited?" my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter. This is a joke, ya'll...especially for Justin....lol.. "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Another Blonde Story A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid 'Three Thousand Dollars' to get my teeth straightened out, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing" After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. ......... Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing. TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

I think I have to agree with Wildblue (even if he did find RC first and steal her heart). I've dated whuffos in the past, only to have them leave me or me leave them because of the inability to understand why I do what I do. I guess, IMHO, that if a person doesn't understand and can't grasp the feelings/emotions in this sport, they will never understand until they actually try it. "If you don't understand, I can't explain - If I explain, you'll never understand." TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Amen!!! TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Now, how did I mess up?? Enquiring minds want to know...(don't make me come spank you, now...lol) TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

I guess we could all chip in and buy you a pink slip so you don't have to work...lol. It may be a little hazardous in freefall, tho...lol. (hey, just kidding here..don't flame me.) TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Awwwww... TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Geez dude. I wasn't paying much attention to what was going on in the pic...until the flash...and almost pee'd in my jeans... TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Dude, I haven't met her or Merrick on the ground yet, but I CAN say this...I ordered 5 of her necklaces - and woo-hoo - not only did they get here in record time, we are all really proud to say that she made them. I've seen some pretty good skydiving jewelry, but these are awesome... (Now, if I could just get Judge back...lol.) TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Would one of you kind, generous, gorgeous, sweet ladies of the skydiving community teach Andy how to be a "layer"??? LOL!!! (Andyman, don't ever say I didn't try to do something nice for you...lol) TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Ditto!!! TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

MarcusV, Thanks guy...I really appreciate it. I'm gonna try to write him now... TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

FallingMarc, Dude, what have you been smoking?? LOL... TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Anyone know the e-mail address of AIRTEC GmbH?? I lost/misplaced my little CYPRES card showing what the thing looks like under an x-ray machine, and with all the security issues today, I probably need it to get the rig hand carried on board the commercial planes..I don't know this for a fact, but common sense tells me to at least check and see if I can get a new card. TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Schroeder, THREAD KILLER!!! Lol. TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Oh Great Pooh-Bah, I knew a girl who dropped a bowling ball, from her window on the second floor, on a burglar who was half in, half out of the downstairs neighbor's window...turns out that bowling balls are dangerous...lol. TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks

Iflyme, LOL!!! I eat pus - well, you get the point...lol. And some of them cry out loud, too..in fact, SCREAM out loud..lol. Now, what was this thread about?? Hey, I got CRS syndrome...lol. TripleF "If you have something vital and it's sincere, you can communicate." Butch Trucks