QuickDraw

A friend sent me these "Tips" you may have seen some of em anyway but there are some real gems here ps:sorry about the format (no time to edit) > >Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone > >else to hold them while you chop away. > > > >Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding > >at people as they walk up the aisle. > > > >Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the > >chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking > >thing in the first place, you fat b*stards. > > > >Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following > >morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble > >full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the > >wall. > > > >Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by > >pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. > > > >Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home > >by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, > >then urinating into it, before jumping in. > > > >If someone is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a > >jug of boiling water down their throat and hey presto! The blockage is > >almost instantly removed. > > > >Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p*ssed, lie in > >a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over > >the fence. > > > >Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and > >slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. > > > >X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by > >drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange > >place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously > >'erased'. > > > >Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to > >the object you wish to view. > > > >Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the > >fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. > > > >Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the > >direction of oncoming traffic. > > > >Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. > > > >Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating > >cakes again. > > > >Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, > >imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your > >intended destination in the first place. > > > >An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an > >inexpensive vibrator. > > > >Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic > >steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada > > > >Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply > >p*ssing in the sink. > > > >Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by > >buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos. > > > >Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or > >veal.Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat > >substitute etc'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't > >know any difference. > > > >Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt > >be made aware of their special dietary requirements,tell them about > >yours, and ask for a nice steak. > > > >Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your > >missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs,call her by the > >wrong name.See how long you can 'stay mounted' for. > > > >High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a > >while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. > > > >Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your > >cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to > >insulate your loft. > > > >Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, > >sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and > >driving the wrong way up one way streets. > > > >Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your > >chin in a bowl of iron fillings. > > > >A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly > >maps when visiting the Sahara desert. > > > >Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by > >ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB > >digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the > >lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, > >with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the > >morning! > > > >Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet > >paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. > > > >Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your > >car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem > >cars anyway, so it may as well look like one. > > > >A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you > >from rolling over and going back to sleep

last time i tried that i ended up with an eye full of cheap perfume also an apearance in front of a deputy headmaster, because i was the only boy who was crying out of one eye in the i.d. parade

aawww shucks an gee whizz.....

3 me-tandemmaster-videoman

" Ifly!!!"

wide-on = female version of a ...do i need to say

Lurkin Clays two-way with a hottie souds a better deal to me Post 100

"Shirt-Lifter" "Thumb Jockey2" "Arse Bandit" "Bowling from the pavillion end" all terms of endearment for the homosexual in YOUR life i do remember being a little shocked when watching married with children apparently Al Bundys wifes (peggy?) maiden name was wanker

Wwwooooaaahhhhh Babe Alert....Fancy a bit of rough?

First @ 25 now 35

Clay=Spambot? the software just gets better and better...

it would however come in handy if some chick was chokin on an apple core or sommat.. i could just whip it out like a cork and "save the fucking day"

Hubba,Hubba ps i was only j/kin about the bulge.....i think....

"maybe clay can advise you on where to get an implant" ..... apparently i'm all ears

hmmm.... she has a bigger "bulge" than me

"Hooty Hoo!" where the hell is that from? i have a t-shirt with hooty hoo mark and brian who are these ppl?

What's the angle on his work? is it surreal stuff or what?..you can't tell from the clip. and would probably take 2 years b4 we see it over here

hmmm..i wonder if it's like when yer ears pop.. there must be some sort of pressure equalization Stewardess:"good news: your off the seat"..."bad news: your lower bowel is floating over new mexico"

does it have a web-site or anything? can't seem to find out where they sell there wares

..just as i thought

LMAO @ FFF

"Guess I'll go for the square when getting mine " You mean... more of a wafer than a cone

"our beer contains more alcohol than American beer " With you all the way there brother and thanks for the advice.

I live about 10 miles away from hinckley Thanks

Hey...someones gotta get them niPPles nice an hard ....it's a dirty job, but someone,s gotta do it....