Divalent

A woman walks into a store and asks the clerk for four D-cell batteries. The clerk wagged his fingers beckoning the woman and said, "Come this way." The lady replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D-cell batteries".

A man and his girlfriend die in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?" To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?" Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer." Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. Six weeks later, Peter returns and says, "OK, I've found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?" To which Peter replies, "Fucking Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

12 years ago today, my friend Dave came out running and screamed "It's a BOY!, it's a BOY!" with tears streaming down his face... We never went back to Thailand again.

I just found out that the company that makes yardsticks won’t be making them any longer. Bummer.

I am demi-asexual. I have to know a woman for a while before I won’t sleep with them.

A couple were making mad passionate love when there came the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. The woman said, "Oh no. My husband. Go hide in the closet!" About halfway into the closet, the guy suddenly stopped for a moment and said, "Wait just a minute! I am your husband! ... I have a few questions for you." The woman replied, "And seems I have a few for you, too."

Any motorcycle will last you a lifetime ... if you ride it fast enough.

A rich lawyer was driving along in his stretch limo when he saw a humble man eating grass by the roadside. Ordering his chauffeur to stop, he rolled down the window and called to the man: “Why are you eating grass?” “Because, sir,” he replied, “we don’t have enough money for proper food.” “Come with me, then,” said the lawyer. “But sir, I have a wife and seven children.” “Even better! Bring them all along.” The man and his family climbed gratefully into the limo. “Sir, you are too kind. How can I ever thank you for taking all of us with you, offering a new home to total strangers?” “No, you don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “The grass at my mansion is two feet high."

Three ladies are in the locker room at their club's gym, dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly a man runs into their room wearing a sheet that covers him completely except for his penis sticking out through a hole. He did a little dance in front of them, then ran off. Lady 1: "I wonder if that was my husband." Lady 2: "Definitely not your husband, nor mine either." Lady 3: "Yes, he's not even a member of this club."

A man is in his home office watching porn on his PC when his wife walks in and he quickly switches to golf videos. She tosses him the day's mail that just arrived, and as she leaves she says to her husband. "Switch back to the porn; you already know how to play golf."

A young couple was having difficulty getting pregnant, despite desparately wanting a child. Three years in a row she miscarried, and her doctor said each one was due to some developmental deformity. They decided to use the power of positive thinking on their next attempt: praying every night for a perfect child, telling each other every day that this one will be just absolutely perfect, imagining life with a perfect child, etc. Lo and behold, she made it to the 9th month, and then delivered her child! Her doctor said, as he caught the child, "Well, it appears you have given birth to a 8 lb 5 oz eyeball." Mother: "An eyeball? An EYEBALL?! Oh no! Could this ever be worse?" Doctor: "Yes. It's blind"

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed every biscuit had the ship’s insignia embossed on it. He was impressed and called in the cook to ask him how he did this. Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven. Admiral: That’s pretty unhygienic. Cook: In that case, sir, I’d suggest you skip the doughnuts.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" And sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "You two will be chained together for all eternity. Now go." The chained couple departs, and the other two women asked St Peter why? He said, "she stepped on a duck, and so as punishment she gets chained to an ugly man for the rest of time." The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and almost immediately along comes St. Peter with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together and says: "You two will be chained together for all eternity. Now go." The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together and tells them to get along. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

"One time I farted so long that I was surprised my butt didn't have to stop and catch its breath." Interviewer: "... and an occasion that you are not so proud of?"

A Rabbi and the Priest who go for a bush walk together and come across a beautiful lake. Hot and sweaty, but with no swimsuits, they decide to take a quick dip in the nude. A few minutes into their swim and they see two buses arrive, one filled with the Rabbis congregation and one filled with the Priests parishioners. The Priest covers his genitals and makes a mad dash for his clothes. He briefly turns to check on his friend the Rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. "Rabbi! What are you doing?" He yells. The Rabbi replies, "In my congregation, they recognize me by my face!"