QuickDraw

A few here from some E-Mails i got : you know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, and germany doesn't want to go to war ... It takes two A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer-by kinetic energy a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch. Mid Life Crisis A middle aged bloke has a heart attack and while on the operating table he has a near death experience. He sees God and asks if this is it. God says 'No. you've got another 30 to 40 years left to live'. When the bloke recovers he decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, tummy tuck and hair implants, figuring that if he's got that long he may as well make the most of it. Then when he walks out of the hospital after the last operation he immediately gets hit by an ambulance. Arriving before God again, he says: 'I thought you said I'd got another 30 to 40 years'. To which God replies 'To tell you the truth, I didn't recognise you!' Death by Misadventure Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Quinn an Irishman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken." A guy walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell you," he replies. "You know I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her ontop!" "Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky slob. Was she pretty?" "Dunno....never found the head....." -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

I will be there from 17th - 27th, anyone else dropping in ? Hopefully i can crack my FS1 and maybe actualy jump with someone. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

There are three sides to every story btw. Your side, their side & the truth.

Check out the Tatologue section. lmao I don't know weather to go for the "The Elvis Presley Dambusters Clock Plate of Tutankhamen" or the "Life of Christ in Cats Plate". -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

They have a homepage Here by the way.

Steve Earls, copperhead road sounds for some reason quite poignant, although i put it on by mistake. Sabbath Bloody Sabbath. rocks this house at the moment though. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

I don't know if i have mentioned this before, but i don't have a dodge viper, and really, really like them. Even a three year old one would do. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

When I was a kid, I used to have a recurring dream that Jesus ( i am not religious btw) was a projectionist at a cinema, there was a long hallway with thousands of projectors, and as one film would come to an end, he would go and put a new reel on and put the old spool on another projector. Sorry..no skydiving ones other than the usual no-pulls/low-pulls/no chute/two-out/lost handles/powerline ones. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the FUCKING thing in the first place, you fat bastards. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y, Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance. Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they will not know any difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

Is this one of them trick questions ? -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

When the Marines or the Para's where on tour in NI the IRA went south. Ass was kicked and they knew it, besides UK forces are well trained in urban combat. NI, Bosnia, Manchester, Suez, Palestine. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

I was wondering where i left that hotdog. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

I had an embarrassing episode like that once, where the website and its appearance seemed off the scale. I asked everyone i could about what was going on.... Advice ??...click view...text size....doh. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

Holy Shit!! ..... Billvons got hold of rgoper's user id. Very well put..if not unfortunate. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

Al Jazeer is not based in Iraq from what i can gather. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

Been on CNN's homepage all day and no reference to anything like that, other than POW's shown on TV over there, i am assuming it's a wording issue, or a phrase taken out of context. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

Where is the link? -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

I have seen or read nothing about any executions.... is there a link to this information? -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

I bet there are quite a few interesting things our dogs would say.... Check this out. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

Sold my pride and joy to finish my AFF. (Yamaha SG2000 circa 1978) Still have an Ibanez iceman and a tatty Jackson PS1 Amps : Marshall (of course) JCM800 100wt combo and a JCM900 half stack with a 100wt duel reverb head. FX : Boss GT5 and a few other single Boss pedals. Here is a picture of my SG and the guy who bought it (bottom left) -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

So your not current then ? I'm guessing here that you may need a check out jump. Have a great day dude. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

You will also be on a wind hold if the wind stops too. So...where are you in your AFF now dude? -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

I finished my AFF at CPCB & stopped in the bunkhouse for the first few days, although it was cold, (December) the price's are excellent (about 6 euros a night). I was there for the Christmas boogie, which was my first boogie anywhere, so I was a little apprehensive to start with, but was filled with confidence by the staff and friendly atmosphere there. Language is not a problem here either, English, Spanish, Catalan, German, French and Italian are all spoken and everyone is made to feel right at home. Speaking as an ex AFF student, I can't praise this place enough, the rental gear is good, as well as the club shop, and not forgetting the bar too. Anyone from the UK looking at going here, need not worry, the nightlife rocks, good places to go are the captains cabin, the orange kiwi, and of course the surf inn. I eventually got accommodation at the Nimbin (http://www.nimbin2000.com/) which is owned by Paul & Tanya and run at the moment by Sophia (00(34) 972 45 09 75) its run exclusively for skydivers by skydivers and of course the price's are right. Any questions ? Feel free to pm me for any details, and I will do my best to help.

Everyone stay safe ok! I think that should cover all the bases.... -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning

Which reminds me..anyone in charge of chilli production at the WFFC ? Or maybe this deserves a thread of its own..... -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning