A guy is walking past an insane asylum when he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" Curious, he finds a hole in the wall and looks in. Immediately he's poked in the eye, then everyone inside starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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Three men wait at the gates of heaven on Christmas Eve. They're told they have to present a Christmas gift to get in. The first man checks his pockets and finds pine needles from his family's tree. He's allowed in. The second hands over a bow and some ribbon. He's allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" St. Peter asks him. "Oh," the man replies, "they're Carol's."
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A man thinks he is a dog, so he goes to see a psychiatrist. "It's terrible," says the man. "I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night, and I can't go past a lamppost anymore." "Okay," says the psychiatrist. "Get on the couch." The man replies, "I'm not allowed on the couch."
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What did the elephant say to the naked guy? "Fine, but can it pick up peanuts?"
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A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we realized that ringing church bells provided the perfect rhythm: in on the ding and out on the dong." She paused, wiped away a tear, and continued, "But then the ice-cream truck came along."
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"Two drivers climb out of their cars after colliding at an intersection. One pulls a flask from his pocket and says, "Here, have a nip of whiskey to calm your nerves." "Thanks," says the other driver, taking a swig. "Here, you have one, too." "Nah, I'd rather not — the police will be here soon."
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