I Buried My Sister Yesterday

[lopullterri 0]

I buried my sister today. She was young and it was very unexpected...sudden. But this is not about her death, exactly, but about skydiving addiction.

Besides the death of my sister and the fact that it was so unexpected, is the fact that my husband refused to take time off to go to either the visitation or funeral on Friday. He sent no flowers and as a matter of fact did not even call me while I was 4 hours away. I asked him to stay home this weekend and spend some time with me and he asked why. Told me that he had made a commitment to do tandems for a DZ near Chicago and that work came first and then left for there, last night, just as I walked in the door from my almost five hour drive from my sisters funeral in Northern Illinois.

I am speechless. For once I am speechless. Is he that addicted to skydiving? Does his commitment a DZ come before this?

Three and a half years ago I was in the ER n a Friday...the Dr. said I should stay the night and that he was worried about what my heart was doing (Turned out to be dehydration and stress). My husband says, "Well I guess I am not going to Chicago this weekend". Called the office manager at the DZ and told her what was going on...she told him it would really put them in a bind if he did not show up (his statement)...so you can guess how this went. I checked out of the hospital and he left for Chicago a few hours later.

I know what some of you are thinking and it has all been said to me before, but he claims it is purely because his commitment to work comes first. I have taken a back seat to this addiction for years and I am fed up. I used to go every weekend, also, but my job and other commitments (like family and people we love) took precedent, and even though I miss skydiving terribly, I could never do what he did. Is this addiction so powerful, that you place it before everything? I have been there, believe me, but this is too much.

~"I am not afraid. I was born to do this"~

[StreetScooby 5]

I am very sorry to hear about the death of your sister. With regards to your husband, it doesn't sound like he's placing "4-way" or fun jumping above family. Looks like he's actually earning money. Having been in a position where I had to earn, that did cause a different order of priorities for me at times. Not sure if this applies to your situation.

We are all engines of karma

[Belgian_Draft 0]

I am very sorry to hear of your sister's passing.
When you were in the ER he should have been there with you at least until you were discharged.
When your sister passed away he should have notified his employer that he was taking a few days off. If they would not let him take time off for the death of his wife's sister then they are not a place worth working for.
Forget for a moment that he was going to the DZ. There is no job he could have...none!...that is worth leaving his family at critical times like that. It was not like he was a firefighter called in, or a National Guardsmen called to duty in an emergency. It was a DZ. A place people go to have fun. He owes you an apology and needs to change his way of thinking. If he can't then you need to change your spouse.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

[RonD1120 62]

My sincere condolences to you and your family for your loss.

Is skydiving that addicting? In my 48 years in the sport I have seen many marriages fall apart with skydiving as part of the root cause.

Any high risk activity where adrenalin increase is normal can be as addictive as cocaine or amphetamine.

When I was a tandem instructor my adrenalin jolt would wear off in about 72 hours and I would crave a jump. Cravings, for me, were intrusive thoughts that replaced other thought processes.

I recommend joint marital counseling for you and your husband to sort this conflict out.

Look for the shiny things of God revealed by the Holy Spirit. They only last for an instant but it is a Holy Instant. Let your soul absorb them.

[airtwardo 7]

My sincerest condolences on the loss of your sister.




You are no doubt dealing with a lot right now and it's understandable that you're upset.

Not trying to let your husband off the hook or justify his decisions, but that old Midwest work ethic is obviously a double edged sword. I was brought up with the understanding that working & providing took a backseat to nothing.

That being said, it was also once explained to me by an old S.O. that 'providing' also means supporting the family emotionally as well as financially...she was right & I re-aligned my priorities following that little talk.

Perhaps you guys need to discuss something like that, it might be that he just doesn't understand the weight you (and most people) put on having an emotional support structure in place to help in dealing with extraordinary circumstances like the two you mentioned.

You probably shouldn't be taking, nor should 'we' be giving advise on a situation like this, obviously with only one side of the 'story' it's quite likely there is more going on than just a so called addiction to a sport.

I would urge you to seek some professional guidance to assist with uncovering and addressing the underlying issues. . .the very least of which from the outside anyway, appears to be a lack of communication and understanding regarding your needs and expectations.

Skydiving may not be the cause of problems in the relationship but instead the effect of those problems.

You are feeling like someone that's supposed to 'have your back' during a crisis is leaving you twisting in the wind because of a 'hobby/job/addiction', just maybe he doesn't have your back because of other issues and is out skydiving instead...Maybe not.

Is Skydiving making the gap or filling the gap?

Either way y'all need to get on the same page and resolve it together...without Internet assistance. I would imagine venting here could be as upsetting to him as the issues you vent about are to you.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[wmw999 2,589]

To me, it sounds like his employer is a bit of a hard-ass, and it sounds like that suits him just fine.

Twardo is right, you guys need to have a talk. This is the kind of talk that can help you to align your values and behavior for your life ahead, or determine that they're really not aligned. Determine what you need and what you want (two lists) before you start. Your feelings are valid.

Ask him to do the same. His feelings are also valid, even if they're different from yours.

And limit it; this is to be productive, and not a rehash of what happened in a million different circumstances. You're building a blueprint for the future, and not a history book of the past.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[lopullterri 0]

Thank you from everyone. All valid points. As far as venting here, I felt I had no choice as he will not talk. Says he is not big on emotions and I did not give him a good enough explanation as to why I needed his support.

I agree with everyone at this point. Counseling or a change in spouse is in line. I don't know if I can get him to counseling.

RonD1120: I agree about the addiction. Every week he starts frantically getting ready to leave...laundry, packing his bag...then leaves after work Friday. He seems to calm down somewhat in the winter.

Belgian Draft: I really agree with what you said. I see no excuse for this behavior. I am so hurt I am not sure that anything can help at this point.

As for everything else...venting here? I had no choice, I felt. I suggested going to the DZ with him so I could skydive (it has been a while) and we could talk and he said he did not want me there because he was pissed off at me and I might start trouble. I have no way to talk to the guy and he won't talk, just make statements like that. I wanted him to see that what he did was cruel and borderline hateful, because he thinks that I am unreasonable and that I am the only one who feels this way. Sure there is other stuff. This started 3 years ago when he refused to stay in town when I was in the ER. I am at a loss. So thanks to all.

~"I am not afraid. I was born to do this"~

[freethefly 6]

I'm so sorry to hear that your sis has passed.Most of us know just how bad it feels when a sibling dies. I've gotten to feel that loss twice.

Terri, I know what a great person you are. I've known you for a lot of years. I'm at a loss for words as to why someone would chose to go do tandems, instead of being there for you in your time of need. You're a strong, intelligent woman. You'll come to the right conclusion.

"...And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black."
Neil Young

[rwieder 0]

Please don't get me wrong, I have experienced loss of my own, I know how it feels. I do however think you're overreacting to his job at the DZ. I'm very sorry for your loss.

-Richard-
"You're Holding The Rope And I'm Taking The Fall"

[CanuckInUSA 0]

Sorry about your sister.

Sometimes people can not make funerals because they are separated by great distances and may not have the money to travel or have the time to take off of work. But when you are not separated by great distances, family should come before work ... always. When you marry someone you have become part of your spouse's family. At least that is my opinion.

Once again I am sorry about your sister.

Try not to worry about the things you have no control over

[Skyrad 0]

Very sorry to hear about the passing of your Sister. My condolences to you and your family. People deal with death in different ways, including denial.

When an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

[captain_stan 0]

I'm truly sorry you lost your sister. Having not yet lost an immediate family member, I can't fully know how hard that must be.

Quote

Is he that addicted to skydiving? Does his commitment a DZ come before this?

You're a big girl, and an accomplished skydiver no less. Some posts point out how we each sort through our priorities and some of the compromises we have to make, but ultimately only you are qualified to decide if your husband's behavior is acceptable.

[SkyDekker 1,465]

Your husband sounds like a dick.

My condolences.

[jaybird18c 25]

I can't believe some of the rationale put forth by some in this thread for his behavior. Wow! I've got to say that I think his priorities are WAY out of whack. You also can't tell me that doing tandems, even if he's making money (I'm a tandem instructor, by the way), isn't self-serving. His most important priority/responsibility is YOU. I don't care what his job is or how much money he makes. His actions with regard to you and your sister are extremely self-centered/selfish and uncaring. I hope things change for you.