My Objective View on Christianity

[Duckwater 0]

I was raised in a conservative family in a small Texas town, about as diverse as a NASCAR race, and non-denominational Bible Church and Christian High School for moral guidance. Church was a source of boredom on a Biblical scale. I can remember staring at the ceiling fans, pretending they were Huey Helicopters, orbiting ready to attack the Preacher that has been droning on in prayer for the last hour. I am actually amazed that preachers can orate for over an hour, fable after fable, verse after verse, to tell you something that a) you already know and b) should consist of a fortune cookie length lesson "Believe what I believe or you will burn in Hell".

As I become older and wiser, I am becoming more and more aware that, this whole Christianity deal doesn't add up.

I know there is a Supreme Being that created. Evolution happened, God did it. A bug shaped like a leaf didn't just happen. Homo sapiens are so much more advanced than all other species, mainly in cognitive and emotional areas, that some THING designed it. And, God HAS to have a sense of humor. Some of His creations appear to have been concocted under the influence of the endless wine he borrowed from Allah. Duck Billed Platpus, Midgets, Carrot Top……So, for me to believe in God is a no-brainer. Obviously, most humans feel the same way. Most of us, at minimum, will bow our heads at Thanksgiving dinner and that belief can increase in commitment all they way to the point of strapping C4 explosive to your belly and taking yourself and several random subway commuters to meet whatever God they happen to pray to. I prefer to remain a Zionist Pig Infidel, use deodorant and keep my cranium turban free.

1. 70% of the world is not "Christian". And, of the 30% of those that use the Bible for their own good and acknowledge Christ to some degree, most of them are going to hell too, depending on the place where you waste your Sunday morning. I was taught (scared) that Mormons, Jehovah Witness, and certain Presbyterians were going to hell. And, they had a First Class ticket to Hell because they understood the Bible differently that we did. So, taking into account Christian Scientists and Benny Hinn's lunatics, 90% of God's creations were created by him to spend eternity roasting in Hell (or be reincarnated as a TSA agent). I’m sorry, but my God is not that sadistic. My God also did not have some poor sap named Abraham, drag his kid up a hill, fully intending to shank the poor bastard, then at the last minute God is like "Psyche!" That is not a test of faith; it is a scene from a Quentin Tarrantino snuff flick.

There is ONE God. We are all actually praying to some version that we Humans have created. There are more variations on a 'Deity' than there are pedophile Priests. There are more interpretations of the Bible than nerds at Starbucks. This brings me to my next point.

2. The Bible is NOT the word of God. I believe parts of it are a badly written History Book, parts are nutty fiction, probably written as a joke and some of it is just some dudes writing social commentary based on their own human beliefs. Frankly, it is the most destructive and divisive thing in History. More people have been killed because of someone’s whacked interpretation of the Bible than Hitler, Pol Pot, George Bush and all the other possible anti-Christ’s combined. One Million were killed in the Crusades, all in the name of Jesus. Makes me want to eat an oyster cracker and sing Amazing Grace. First, why does Omnipotent and Omniscient God need some Birkenstock clad Jesus Groupies to be his scribe?
God already demonstrated that he is fully capable of publishing his own words, in a pretty indelible medium, and in concise, logical numbered form. Just 10 things even. Exactly what I would do if I was in charge. Now take the Bible. Really, it could not be more poorly written. Did god really pen something so vague that it can be used to justify everything from the Mt Carmel Bonfire to Homophobia to God Hates Dead Soldiers? A God who loves His creations did not write that. Man did, and God doesn't need a biographer. Men, sinners all, wrote the Bible. And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael and Methusael begat Lamech. Thank you, God, for telling me that. That is essential stuff! Some Philistine wrote that, passed the blunt to the prophet on the left, while making up stuff for Dungeons and Dragons. In a great editorial oversight, it became a chapter. Faith in the Bible requires faith in Men. They were prophets you say? Well, I believe that is semantics. God talks to all of us. Call it a conscience, morals, a little bird...whatever...we are the only species that has that. Paul is no more connected to God than I am. By the same logic, the letter I write to the San Francisco Chronicle, detailing my secular judgment on the resident’s activities should be a new Chapter of the Bible. One verse I would have: "Thou men that bed with other men, shall not marry, why be miserable like the rest of us?" My God doesn't care if you tap your shoe in the Minneapolis Airport toilet stall in hopes of a little action. My God does care that the Catholic Church condoned child molestation. Really, we are worried about Gay Marriage and its underage-orgy hour at Father Pauls?

3. Scare Tactics - There is no hell. So Lucifer was the only bad angel ever? What if Lucifer Jr got booted from the pearly gates? How many hells are there? Believe what I believe or you will burn. It is the oldest trick in the book. Invade Iraq or we will have anthrax raining on us like manna from heaven. Stock up for Y2K. Obama is a secret Muslim. My God does not need the threat of eternal broil to entice me. Why is it so important for many of us to FORCE everyone else to believe exactly what I believe? I frankly don't care what you think. Statistically, the vast majority believe something completely opposite than you do. Is everyone else wrong? Do the math.

4. We really are His 'flock' - I wish God had dispensed with a little more grey matter in his workshop. We humans truly are dumber than sheep. We have the ability to decipher BS from Shinola, yet we still are lemmings walking off whatever Theological environmental cliff we happened to be born next to. How many Belles from Alabama turn out Muslim? They all will end up with big hair, 3 series BMW's and going to First Baptist every Sunday. It is more predictable than Michael Jackson and a 9 yr old boy. How many children of Muslims have a revelation and say "forget this goofy Burka, Robert Tilton is on Satellite and he’s got it figured out. I’m sending my 20 Dinars for some anointing oil”. Think. Your "Truth" is 100% a product of your environment. Perhaps it's not "Truth" at all. Shouldn’t truth manifest exactly in all situations. Gravity does. There is only one conclusion. All of the world’s different versions of truth are not true at all. You only believe what your God is by the sheer lotto of location. That is not "truth" as I see it.

5. Church - The perfect place for nut-jobs to take their finely crafted facade for a spin. The absolute worst people I have ever met were Bible thumping; WWJD clad, judgmental a-holes. (There are some great people too, but a minority) I went to a wedding and had a few beers. After, we were going to watch a Tyson fight at a house rented by several dudes in a prestigious Bible study with the pastor. These guys were the Second Coming. Having your daughter date one was the coup-de gras. Anyway, the friend I was with had to stop for gum, to mask the smell of the sin juice on our breath. We get to the blessed crib, and they had the fight on. It was like watching scrambled porn at the Motel 6. They had rigged the box to save the 19.99 (surely to go in the offering basket) and I’m Lucifer because I had a few Coronas? I KNOW God does not want me to steal. Ask any waiter, "Who are the worst tippers?" The Sunday church crowd will be your reply. Demanding more free water and dinner rolls during the 2 hr sit time. Ummm, yeah, I want to be like that.
Christians LOVE to quantify sin. Out are booze, pot, homosexuality and cussing. In is disgracing your temple by eating at Lubys all you can eat and weighing 300 pounds. In is gossip and the despise of anyone not like you. In is the ignorance that Americans and Jews are Gods people, and let’s nuke the rest. In is the love of money and status. How do these mega-churches spin the probably fictional tale of the tower of Babel?

This country went through a lot of turmoil during the civil rights movement. No more color specific fountains. Affirmative Action. So, here we are half a century later. Churches are truly open to all, kinda. Name one institution in our society MORE segregated than church. What Church truly mirrors its local demographics? Do you think God is happy that we have divided ourselves into countless splinter groups under His name? Do you think his design was to divide churches up by skin pigment?
I joined a Frat in college. I was immediately labeled a boozing party hound. I eventually became one. Why would you want to banner yourself under a group that you will be judged for their actions? If you have been brainwashed that you need to go to a funny shaped building every Sunday and suffer through music worse than Milli Vanilli to be a good person, reconsider. God tells you everything you need to know. Whenever and Wherever. If you rely on a Church for guidance, the result will be anything from you becoming a homophobic bad tipper to someone who REALLY regrets drinking the Kool-Aid. There is no win-win situation.

I believe in God, and I’m undecided if I believe Jesus is the Son of God. The worlds (sans Chinese) calendar is based on his death. Nobody argues that He lived, but I go back to the sadisticness needed to send your boy to be skewered to a large-lower case t, just to have him re-generated like your WOW Character days later. Why not let the dude chill and, Mr. Omnipotent, think of another way for us to get to not-hell.

My God is simple. I don’t need Oprah’s worst book of the month pick ever, or being a member of a group that feels the need to waste 10% of their income on a clubhouse and salary for a story teller.

And, I don't give a rat’s ass if you believe what I do. That is novel of ANY belief. Think for yourselves.

[Shotgun 1]

They still have Luby's out there? I haven't seen one of those places in a long time.

[FallloutboyDAoC 0]

Good read.

[maadmax 0]

Sounds like you got a pretty good taste of religion.
Luckily, God is a lot bigger than that.

[shropshire 0]

Quote

God is a lot bigger than that.

That can only every be an opinion but is stated like it's fact...... again.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[Hausse 0]

Great read and you are right in nearly all points!

The only critique is that you are doing what the people a few thousand years ago where doing. Picking up a religion (you took christianity, the took the jewism) that is obviously wrong and fix it up a little to make it a little less stupid.

If you would be an atheist, then you would be going the right way, fixing christianity up just ain't doing it.

[RkyMtnHigh 0]

That's the best standup comedy skit I've heard in a long time

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