The Republican Checklist...

[freethefly 6]

To be a Republican you need to believe:

1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s
Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him,
and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but
trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international
harmony.

4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multinational drug corporations can make decisions affecting all
mankind without regulation.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism. HMO’s and insurance
companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

10. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science , but
creationism should be taught in schools.

11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

13. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but
George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re
a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our
prayers for your recovery.

15. Supporting “Executive Privilege” for every Republican ever born,
who will be born or who might be born (in perpetuity.)

16. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960’s is of vital national
interest, but what Bush did in the ’80’s is irrelevant.

17. Support for hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for
wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

If you don’t send this to at least 10 other people, we’re likely to
be stuck with more Republicans in ‘08.

"...And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black."
Neil Young

[TheBachelor 5]

In support of equal airtime:

And to be a good Democrat..

HOW TO BE A GOOD DEMOCRAT

Virtually anyone can be a Democrat - simply quit thinking and vote that way.
But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must
have first:

1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law abiding Americans, are more of a threat than US nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese
communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on
demand.

8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinhem are more
important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E.Lee or
Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a
liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese
is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

There are battered women? I've been eating 'em plain all of these years...

[lawrocket 3]

Thge Democrat Checklist

1. Even the MENTION of Christianity is offensive, unless from a reverend like Jesse Jackson.

2. Saddam was a bad guy until we went to take him out.

3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but don't go tarnishing JFK for it, but trade with China and Vietnam is wrong because Nixon opened those doors.

4. The United States should cede to the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing hugs, not wars.

5. A woman can be trusted with decisions about her own body unless the government thinks it is unwise to demean herself, but the government shall make all decisions affecting all mankind without regard to gender.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while redirecting all money from the war machine baby killers to welfare.

7. If adolescents won’t have sex we'll put condoms in schools and educate them away from things like religious nut chastity.

8. A good way to fight terrorism is to praise our longtime allies and send them money.

9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, and providing health care to all Americans is socialism. In fact, providing free healthcare to the world is our goal as the United NAtions, er, US. HMO’s and insurance companies have shown the government that a lot of money can be made in providing services without providing them.

10. Global warming should be taught to everyone, and those who disagree are creationism wackos.

11. A president committing perjury is excusable, but a president lying when not under oath is HORRIFIC, even if those in power knew he was bullshitting.

12. Government should not limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, but should expand its powers through judicial fiat, unless a Republican is in charge.

13. Respect for privacy must be observed, unless there is tax money to be levied.

14. Nobody's personal choices are their fault. Therefore, the government shall make all choices for them.

15. Supporting “Executive Privilege” for every Democrat ever born, who will be born or who might be born, as Dems will only be victims of Ultra Right Wing Witchhunts.

16. Bill Clinton balanced the budget (even though he didn't) despite Republican opposition (even though they cooperated).

17. Ban all guns to stop hunters who shoot their friends and blame them for wearing orange vests similar to those worn by the quail.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[billvon 3,120]

>religious nut chastity.

Now that sounds almost kinky.