Purchase your Credits Here!

[lawrocket 3]

In light of recent discussions on this board, I believe that there are people out there who really want to do the right thing, but just have problems with it. They long for the society where everybody takes care of each other for the betterment of society. And yet, there is not a system in place for them to feel okay with it.

"Pollution credits" are now being bought and sold to allow people with an idiological and political bug up their asses to claim they live a "carbon neutral" life style. Well, I am now opening up my OWN full-spectrum business to allow people to do things that they would otherwise have a problem with because, if everybody did what they were doing, the earth and society would be ruined.

Here are my services and prices.:

1) Carbon Credits: Do you burn carbon in a large amount? If you are an active skydiver, the answer is "probably." If you want to minimize your carbon footbprint, for the price of $50 per month

2) Cheating on your wife? Feel bad about it? If you pay me not to cheat on mine, you will have lived a "cheating neutral" lifestyle. Whether you have cheated one time or carried on a male escort business on the side that you've kept from your wife, you feel the pangs of guilt from such an activity. But with this service it will not matter - you can be comfortable knowing that because of your actions and payment, someone else will be holding up his marital vows.

The fees are the same regardless of whether you are the recipient or giver. The fee is determined by how far you went (i.e., blow job to vaginal would be $400, not $600):
- Petting/Hand job/finger bang - $100 for first incident, $20 for every subsequent incident;
- Fellatio/Cunnilingus - $200 for first incident, $25 for every subsequent
- Vaginal intercourse - $400 for first incident, $100 for every subsequent incident;
- Anal - $500 for first incident, $150 for subsequent incident (yeah it's expensive because I'm missing out on a lot of fun).
- Bestiality - no credits available for this infamous crime against nature, you sick bastard.

3) Do you like to drive drunk? Do you believe that this is something that you just can't avoid? The for each time you drive drunk, merely send a payment of $50 dollars to me and I will not drive drunk.

4) Do you fail to provide health insurance to your child? Does this leave you feeling bad? To balance it out, merely send $100 per month to me, and I will ensure that my children have health insurance.

5) Do you feel bad about hating another race, class, sex, sexual orientation, etc? No need for this guilt! For a payment of $50 dollars per month for each form of hate, I will not participate in hating these classes of people.

Other guilt services are available upon request. Please message me with what you feel guilty about and I will see whether I can find the time to not do it, and charge accordingly. Fees for new services are negotiable, and payment will be made via Pay Pal.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[jceman 1]

OK, Hawthorne.

Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money.

Why do they call it "Tourist Season" if we can't shoot them?

[speedy 0]

Great idea.

I feel guilty about not going to work and still collecting my salary.
Will you go to work for me so I can collect my salary without a guilty concience? What does that cost?

Dave

Fallschirmsport Marl

[JackC 0]

Yep, carbon offsetting is a guilt tax just like gym membership. It just makes you feel a bit better about shoving that third jelly donut into your face.