Is your Cat a Good Christian?

[freethefly 6]

Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus?
By Marian Byers
February 28, 2006

People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats. I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?"

A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should do everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your family receives the glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His very life. Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for eternity because you put off a 10-minute conversation.

My own cats accepted Jesus into their hearts before they even opened their eyes. The light of salvation has brightened their lives, but perhaps the most noticeable change has been in me. I am filled with warmth knowing their eternal souls have been saved.

Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The Nicene Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are about 10 weeks old.

Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats. But Jesus is not. Your kitties need to know early on that there is a fisher of men and cats alike who can save their souls.

A lot of people say, "Oh, but Whiskers doesn't even answer to his name yet." They raise a good point: Sometimes you have to teach your cat at its own level. If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it will sense that there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching cross, it will contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while it stretches and sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.

Teaching your cats the Gospel of Christ isn't just important for their eternal souls, it is also the only way to ensure that they know an eternity of damnation awaits them if they scratch your favorite chair. Before they cough up a hairball on the rug or leave a dead mouse on the doorstep, they'll know—without being scolded—that they had better watch it, as a Final Judgment awaits at the hands of the Lord.

Of course, once your cat has accepted the Lord in its heart, it's ready to be baptized. The righteous cat is one that is born again in the eyes of the Lord. People think that baptism is a rite that requires a fancy baptismal font and a preacher, but that's simply not true. Just fill your bathtub with water, say a little invocation over it, ask your cat if it rejects Satan and all his evil, and then dunk it. Make sure it is fully immersed, in accordance with Scripture.

So now, all you have to do is choose your cat's baptismal name. My cats' birth names were Meowser, Fluff, and Mr. Boots, but their baptismal names are Ezekiel, Caleb, and Mr. Paws.

Remember, a cat may have nine lives, but it only has one eternal soul. We all must one day appear before the Holy Seat Of Judgment, and although my Oliver and Lady Twinkles passed on long ago from this vale of tears, I take solace in the knowledge that, when the time comes for me to receive the ecstasies of Heaven, all of my housecats will be waiting to spend eternity on my lap.

And don't get your cats vaccinated, either. The Lord will provide protection from feline leukemia.

"...And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black."
Neil Young

[Samurai136 0]

Shame! Shame!

Blasphemy!

Animals do not have souls. You pet will not be with you in the after life.

That is all.

"Buttons aren't toys." - Trillian
Ken

[akarunway 1]

Oh fuck for Chists sake. Made my day. LOL

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

[SuperKat 0]

This is so wrong on all levels. Not only are you going to hell but the devil is going to sodomize you and make you his biotch before you burn.

What's the most you ever lost in a coin toss, Friendo?

[Amazon 7]

In answer to your question...



NO I dont think so....

HE licks his private parts...

HE lets the girl kittie HUMP him.....and he is unrepentant in hios sexuality.

And he never goes to church...its a sure sign he is not a good christian.

[Michele 1]

I've got six cats.

One refuses to give anything up for Lent. As a matter of fact, she insists that since it's Lent, she should eat more. She's a bad kitty. She wanted to go to Mardi Gras this year.

Then there's the devil cat. She really is one from hell. Full of beans, absolutely dominant, and completely territorial. She's evil if anyone even thinks that they can use the bathroom counter.

Of course, I've got the nun-cat. She hides, and only comes out if you've switched the light on. She's scared of the dark...and she has none of it if she can help it. Thus the nun-cat.

Of course, then, there's the centralist. As in, the world revolves around her. Only her. No-one but her. She is the world's center. The rest of the world is superflous, existing simply to clean her box and get her food.

And there is the terrorist. Some would call him a jew, some a protestant, and some an islamic. But really, he's nothing. He's motivated only by that which he can tackle, stalk, and attack. If you show weakness around him, your arm is shredded. You are either with him, or against him, or both at the same time. There is no neutrality.

And last but not least, there's the buddhist. She exists, therefore she is. She finds happiness in the smallest item - a hair band, a ball of fuzz, a shadow. She loves the sunshine and the rain equally, and has created great kharma for herself. She occasionally chants, as well.

I don't guess I've done well by my cats, but that's all right...they're happy.

(BTW, as I typed this, my terrorist jumped up into my lap for a cuddle...)

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[Amazon 7]

So when are you coming back up north for a visit???

• Quote

[Zep 0]

I caught my tom sodomising a buck rabbit (on several occasions)
Does this now mean that he wont go to pussy heaven.

Gone fishing

[freethefly 6]

Quote

I caught my tom sodomising a buck rabbit (on several occasions)
Does this now mean that he wont go to pussy heaven.

Sorry to say that I'll probally see your cat in hell where, according to Superkat, I'll be getting sodomized by Satan!! EGAD that has got to burn. I best stock up on preperation H.

"...And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black."
Neil Young

[rhys 0]

fuck me, these christains are crazy!

so about the whole abortion and contraception thing, I guess catholics don't have cats eh? or female ones anyway. otherwise they will have hunderds in no time.

fuck thats was a funny read.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will see peace." - 'Jimi' Hendrix

[rasmack 0]

Quote

...Does this now mean that he wont go to pussy heaven.

Don't know. Is that in Vegas?

HF #682, Team Dirty Sanchez #227
“I simply hate, detest, loathe, despise, and abhor redundancy.”
- Not quite Oscar Wilde...

[Shotgun 1]

I think it would be pretty hard for me to get the Lapcats of Satan (my cats) to accept Jesus into their hearts.

Hmm, unless he smells like tuna...

[Zep 0]

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...Does this now mean that he wont go to pussy heaven.

Don't know. Is that in Vegas?

No. Pussy heaven is Barcelona in the Spring

Gone fishing