CNN Slams Red State In Article: Texans flee colossal Rita

[SudsyFist 0]

ATLANTA, Georgia -- In an unsurprising move, CNN has delivered yet another unscrupulous blow to the Party, belittling good, humble, God fearing, locked-and-loaded American Christians in their time of need.

Evident in the web article title alone, "Texans flee colossal Rita," CNN has twisted the story of the evacuation of the loyal, patriotic citizenry, attempting to paint their backs with streaks of yellow.

"Residents in southeast Texas and coastal Louisiana scurried to get out of the way of Hurricane Rita, " the article begins, daringly drawing comparisons of the residents of our proud South to loathsome rodents.

"CNN can say whatever the hell them [sic] damn Hollywood [sic] liberals want -- we ain't no [sic] cowards -- but let 'em try sayin' that to my face, praise Jesus," said Jed Zickefoose, Bayside resident and lifetime member of the NRA. "Besides, I ain't budgin' off this here porch... Tanga Ray, where the hell's my iced tea I told you to git me?"

Other residents in the storm's path were just as insulted by the timing and harshness of CNN's attacks.

"CNN's people have orders to slander us wherever they can, and right now they're hittin' us where it hurts. That's why I'm rabidly loyal to Fox News," cried Ronita Jo Eckert, a pastor's wife and mother of four in Galveston, as she packed her photo albums and stock certificates. "At least there, they stick by wholesome country boy Kenny [Chesney] instead of that liberal movie star bitch [Renee Zellweger]." (Article: Chesney Says 'I'll Be OK' After Split)

"Hope you enjoy your all night creme brulee binges alone, you fat, gluttonous, liberal [expletive]!"

Fox News leads networks worldwide in setting standards for accurate reporting, according to their proponents. "For example, all the other networks call them suicide bombers, but not Fox News. No, they've got the balls to call them what they really are: homicide bombers! I mean, that's what they're doing, committing homicide with their bombs. It's not like they're committing suicide when they do it, and that's what distinguishes them... from other... kinds of... bombers..." described one fierce loyalist, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

Today, Fox News had a photo essay linked on their homepage with the title, "Hurricane Rita Menaces Texas Coast."

In that title, "emphasis was placed on the evil of the storm, sharply contrasting CNN's master plan to disparage Americans who disagree with their disillusioned and unpatriotic socialist views," said Bob "Frank" Hatchett, a professor at Texas A&M. "No mention was there of fleeing, scurrying, or cowardice; rather, there was only the clear truth, which Fox News stands alone among news networks in being reputable enough to report: the strength of resolve of our people, our Party, and our Nation.

"God Bless America, and may Ted Turner and the DNC rot in hell."


EDIT: This was satire, folks, poking fun at both stereotyping and jumping to conclusions. It's okay to laugh.