Thoughts on life, scary pics & stuff...

[miked10270 0]

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-coun try skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.




Sometimes the scariest part of the pic is imagining the journey....

http://www.post-literate.com/gerpunx/archives/2005/01/prepare_to_lose_your_mind.php



Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you!'

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here was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby.
The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever
the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an
act of God!"
Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dared to challenge the
thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in
her frail voice said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but
when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"



1. I don't do windows because . I love birds and don't want one to run into a
clean window and get hurt. ( I am compassionate)

2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt
themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. ( I am careful and poor)

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because. they are very good company, I have
named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. ( I am
imaginative)

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of
their own and my family loves spiders. ( I am kind)

5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want
the others to get jealous. ( I am fair minded)

6. I don't plant a garden because . I don't want to get in God's way, he is
an excellent designer. ( I am courteous)

7. I don't put things away because .. my family will never be able to find
them again. ( I am considerate)

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my
guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because . I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent
Press". ( I am trusting)

10. I don't stress much on anything because .. "A Type" personalities die
young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' git!!



And Finally... THE REASON:

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries but now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race.......you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework.......you're a pansy.

If you work too hard.......there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough.......you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay.......this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay......you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.......that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you....... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks.......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet.......it's male indifference.

If you cry......you're a wimp.
If you don't......you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her.......you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you.......she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy.......that's domination. _big
If she asks you......it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear.......you're a pervert.
If you don't.......you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape.......you're a sexist.
If you don't.......you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape.......you're vain.
If you don't.......you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.......you're after something.
If you don't.......you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements.......you're full of yourself.
If you don't.......you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache.......she's tired.
If you have a headache.......you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.......you're oversexed.
If you don't.......there must be someone else.

Bottom Line:

Men die first because they want to.



Mike.

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.

[miked10270 0]

If only every suicide-bombers car was as reliable as a Volkswagen...

http://www.compfused.com/directlink/592/



Mike.

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.

[miked10270 0]

One for BMW lovers everywhere!

Mike.

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.