No NASCAR Track in WA; Rednecks Despondent

[Guest]

Arlington, WA 23 Nov 2004 (AP)

White trash in Marysville, Washington expressed disappointment today over a joint announcement made by county officials and out-of-state developers that after months of indecision and some recent guttural harumphing, a NASCAR racetrack would not be built near the town.

The redneck populace in Northern Washington state were hopeful that through the enormous disruption of the Interstate-5 corridor, excessive noise, loss of 850 acres of prime farmland, and exhorbitant taxes and other special levies that the proposed auto-racing mecca would all bring, Trailer Culture™ would take its rightful place as the dominant lifestyle of the region, supplanting Latte-Land™.

"Sure, Ah'm disappointed," mumbled Marysville resident and trailer-dweller Earl Stump, as he spat a mouthful of tobacco juice through missing teeth at a dog laying next to the folding camp chair in which he sat just outside his trailer door. "Ah shore did wanna see NAS-CAWR racin' here in Washin'tun".

Stump, 34, had been hoping the track would be built so that he could see his NASCAR television heroes in real life.

"If yuh build it, they'll come," he said, pausing to sip from an oversized can of Bud.

Stump says that seeing his racing idols in person is not currently possibile because he cannot take time off from his job at a local septic-tank servicing company to make the 2500-mile drive to Talladega Speedway in Alabama, where his favorite NASCAR drivers pursue one another at 200 mph for hours on end, yet still end up not getting anywhere as they go around a track that is much like the one that was to have been built near his home. Besides, he says, his 1972 Chevy pickup probably wouldn't make it.

"Ah'm real unhappy about it." Said Stump, as he belched, scratched, and farted all at the same time.

Stump's common-law wife, Nadine Pitts, came out of the trailer briefly to add to Stump's remarks.

"I sure like seein' them cawrs goin' round 'n round 'n round, and Ah don't like them Snohomish County people tellin' us we cain't have a NASCAWR track here," said Pitts, as she paused to light a Marlboro. "Who do think they are, anyway? First they're tellin' us we can't run a meth lab, now they won't let us have a race track - what's next?!"

"Shut up and go get me a beer." Said Stump.

mh

[MC208B 0]

hey! dems my kinfolk you is talkin bout there!!!

[EricTheRed 0]

They ruled out Marrysville but Ridgefield is still on the list. They will just have to commute a bit south.

(PS I like anything that goes that fast, even if it is just round and round and round. Add that to LOTS of beer and generally scantily clad women, what's not to like?)

illegible usually

[miked10270 0]

That is just durn sheee....yit for them poor Whitey Folk.

bet yo' life that if the neegrahs, or dem Mechicuns or Injuns had wann'ed it it'd'v happened.

Still, he can always get the "Nascar Buzz" for free, simply by holding a toy car at arms length and spinning around for 4 hours (or until he falls over and needs revived with an "Emergancy Bud Transfusion").

Mike.

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.

[Guest]

I'm still waiting for reactions to my "Onion"-style parody news piece...
mh

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[slug 1]

Quote

I'm still waiting for reactions to my "Onion"-style parody news piece...
mh

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Hi author

Just for you
Them folks can't afford no tickets to get into a $300,000,000 race track. Thats why they got the big screen T.V. and sat. dish
Anyone know the cost of a ticket to see the fast cars go around in circles? Do you have to buy them thru ticketmaster or nascar?

R.I.P.