CornishChris 5 #1 November 9, 2004 Sent this by a friend this morning. I found it quite amusing but try not to take too seriously as I am not trying to start a row. To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to be able to select a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves in a fair manner (fair to the rest of us that is), we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary! Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2008. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecision Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for your cooperation. CJP Gods don't kill people. People with Gods kill people Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DrunkMonkey 0 #2 November 9, 2004 They're just after our dental technology and culinary skill...I'm not worried. There have to be at least 10 privately owned guns for every resident in the US. Since knives are now verboten to Brits, I doubt sporks and spatulas will be of much use against your average Shotgun-toting redneck who's full of Coors Light and Crystal Meth. Q: Why don't the Brits make computers? A: They have yet to find a way to make them leak oil P.S.: To use your vernacular, Prince Charles is a "Wanker." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
juanesky 0 #3 November 9, 2004 It is fixed... Quote5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save Fuck The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. "According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
diablopilot 2 #4 November 9, 2004 Wasn't that funny 4 years ago, or 8, or 12..... But that's ok, we'll just forget about bailing your asses out when Germany was looking at remodeling your living rooms.---------------------------------------------- You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GeordieSkydiver 0 #5 November 9, 2004 QuoteWasn't that funny 4 years ago, or 8, or 12..... But that's ok, we'll just forget about bailing your asses out when Germany was looking at remodeling your living rooms. Or the 4 years previous to that in which you let us suffer while you tried to bargin control of our navy. Right up till Pearl Harbour, IRC. Lets not turn this into a stone throwing session, some people here have big windows. LeeLee _______________________________ In a world full of people, only some want to fly, is that not crazy? http://www.ukskydiver.co.uk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
diablopilot 2 #6 November 9, 2004 QuoteOr the 4 years previous to that in which you let us suffer while you tried to bargin control of our navy. You can't have it both ways. It's either, "We didn't really need your help Yank" or "Would ya' lend us a hand here, Yank?" Our windows are about the same I'd say, and BTW my Mother is a full blooded Brit, so I've got a fence to stradle.---------------------------------------------- You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DrunkMonkey 0 #7 November 9, 2004 I like english toffee. John Cleese is funny. Bass Ale rules. Haggis--not good. I love the sound of an english girl in the throes of passion--verrry good. MG's--precursor to the Miata. Pink Floyd is good. The RAF's skydiving team is neat. "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World" was a good RN movie (Note: Yes, I know Russel Crowe is an Aussie) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kennedy 0 #8 November 9, 2004 Q: What's the difference between an Aussie and a Limey? A: The Aussie's ancestors were dumb enough to get caught.witty subliminal message Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards. 1* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GeordieSkydiver 0 #9 November 9, 2004 QuoteYou can't have it both ways. It's either, "We didn't really need your help Yank" or "Would ya' lend us a hand here, Yank?" I believe we asked for help many years prior to it being supplied. If you notice the poster is in NZ/Auz anyway, maybe Ex-pat. My mum is full blown Brit too. LeeLee _______________________________ In a world full of people, only some want to fly, is that not crazy? http://www.ukskydiver.co.uk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GeordieSkydiver 0 #10 November 9, 2004 I love Ranch dressing and Clamato juice. That seventies show kiss ass. Jack Daniels is a god. Jelly and peanut butter sandwiches....eeeeewwwww American girls talk dirty better than Brits... Er,.....cant think of anything about cars, except the Shelby GT 500 is sweeeeettt. The Red Hot Chilli Peppers rock my world. The black Knights dont do so bad... Pulp Fiction is a classic (i could name a gizillion others) LeeLee _______________________________ In a world full of people, only some want to fly, is that not crazy? http://www.ukskydiver.co.uk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CornishChris 5 #11 November 9, 2004 QuoteIf you notice the poster is in NZ/Auz anyway, maybe Ex-pat. I have a name you know. I am an Englishman living in Sydney. I don't have full residency and I will return to England at some point. For the moment it is cool to jump year round in Sydney. Incidentally there is nothing I hate more than "we saved your as in WW2" as an excuse for expected devotion to the US ad infinitum and I agree with all your comments. I just posted this as I thought it would bring a smile to some faces that need it. CJP Gods don't kill people. People with Gods kill people Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CornishChris 5 #12 November 9, 2004 I Like: Harley Davidsons Law & Order and CSI The Dodge Viper (best car ever) Budweiser (except not on tap) Most Hollywood Films Jenna Jameson I don't like People who try and pay with US dollars wherever they are as they think it should be accepted Peanut buttter & "Jam" sanwiches The pronunciation of "Aluminium" This is fun. CJP Gods don't kill people. People with Gods kill people Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GeordieSkydiver 0 #13 November 9, 2004 It was very funny during the last election they had. They seem to be a little touchy about it now. Have you read/heard the British Army answer machine message? Classic, I'll try and dig it out. LeeLee _______________________________ In a world full of people, only some want to fly, is that not crazy? http://www.ukskydiver.co.uk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kennedy 0 #14 November 9, 2004 I believe the appropriate phrase is: [cemter]"Come and get it." witty subliminal message Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards. 1* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
juanesky 0 #15 November 9, 2004 And which faces would that be, European Liberals? I personally don't find being back to an abusive, irrespective colony lifestyle anywhere near funny. QuoteI just posted this as I thought it would bring a smile to some faces that need it. "According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
diablopilot 2 #16 November 9, 2004 QuoteIncidentally there is nothing I hate more than "we saved your as in WW2" as an excuse for expected devotion to the US ad infinitum and I agree with all your comments. No, no, no....you read it all wrong, I was pointing out the fact that ya'll (<----that amerikun fer "All of you") just can't let go of the fact we tossed ya'll out a couple hundred years ago...... (Wait a minute, My mother is Brit, My fathers side came here in the 20's......I'm so confused!)---------------------------------------------- You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GeordieSkydiver 0 #17 November 9, 2004 If you cant laugh at yourself..... (yes I am a soldier) Answering machine at the British Ministry of defense... The following was found circulating in the MoD's internal mail: British Army official voicemail message Thank you for calling the British Army. I am sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please press '1' to leave a message, with your country, name of organisation, region, details of the specific crisis, and a number where we can reach you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, the Millennium Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone. For other services, please listen to the following options: If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press '2' for the Royal Marines. If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk bombing runs, please press '3' for the Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours or at weekends. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to The First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall, London. If your enquiry is not urgent, please press '4' for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps. Only if you are in real, hot trouble, then press '5' and your call will be routed to Sandline International. If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and are prepared to work your butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be taken by a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop by the railway station. Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army.Lee _______________________________ In a world full of people, only some want to fly, is that not crazy? http://www.ukskydiver.co.uk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jakee 1,594 #18 November 10, 2004 QuoteBut that's ok, we'll just forget about bailing your asses out when Germany was looking at remodeling your living rooms. Ya know what, if I was going to thank the people who really took the heat off us in WW2, I think I just might go to Russia.Do you want to have an ideagasm? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr2mk1g 10 #19 November 10, 2004 Hey... didn't I reject America's Revocation of the Declaration of Independence here: http://www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=1234525#1234525 Damnit... undermined by on of my own... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peacefuljeffrey 0 #20 November 10, 2004 QuoteThey're just after our dental technology and culinary skill...I'm not worried. There have to be at least 10 privately owned guns for every resident in the US. Since knives are now verboten to Brits, I doubt sporks and spatulas will be of much use against your average Shotgun-toting redneck who's full of Coors Light and Crystal Meth. Q: Why don't the Brits make computers? A: They have yet to find a way to make them leak oil P.S.: To use your vernacular, Prince Charles is a "Wanker." Do you remember the scene in Robocop, in which he breaks into the drug lab and announces, "Come quietly, or there will be... trouble. And then there's a pause, after which one guy cocks his shotgun and says, "Fuuuuck YOU!" and they all start firing? That's what comes to mind with the idea of BRITS telling AMERICANS that they plan to revoke ANYTHING that's ours. -Jeffrey-Jeffrey "With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr2mk1g 10 #21 November 10, 2004 QuoteDo you remember the scene in Robocop, in which he breaks into the drug lab and announces, "Come quietly, or there will be... trouble. And then there's a pause, after which one guy cocks his shotgun and says, "Fuuuuck YOU!" and they all start firing? That's what comes to mind with the idea of BRITS telling AMERICANS that they plan to revoke ANYTHING that's ours. and then what did Robocop do??? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peacefuljeffrey 0 #22 November 10, 2004 QuoteQuoteDo you remember the scene in Robocop, in which he breaks into the drug lab and announces, "Come quietly, or there will be... trouble. And then there's a pause, after which one guy cocks his shotgun and says, "Fuuuuck YOU!" and they all start firing? That's what comes to mind with the idea of BRITS telling AMERICANS that they plan to revoke ANYTHING that's ours. and then what did Robocop do??? The reason I didn't go any further with that analogy is that it's exactly where the similarities end. -Jeffrey-Jeffrey "With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nacmacfeegle 0 #24 November 10, 2004 "Prince Charles is a "Wanker." " Well, lets face it, only liars and angels don't 'bash the bishop' from time to time, aha, I see you have someone in office who fills both criteria, handy. By the way, Prince Charles, like many others in the Royal Family actually served, I understand that there is some doubt over your liar/angel's military service. Prince Charles is also a parachutist, CIC of our Parachute Regiment, and patron of our BPA. Are you insulting a fellow skydiver without ever having met him? What a narrow outlook you have, must suck to be you. "Q: Why don't the Brits make computers? A: They have yet to find a way to make them leak oil " hehe, neat -------------------- He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. Thomas Jefferson Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GeordieSkydiver 0 #25 November 10, 2004 Having not met Prince Charles, President Bush, or Kerry, I dont feel qualified to label them. However, comparing what I've seen of them, to people I do know, I can say this. They all seem to be wankers. Charles is our wanker though, so back off. Just to add...http://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/about/bio_armed_services.html LeeLee _______________________________ In a world full of people, only some want to fly, is that not crazy? http://www.ukskydiver.co.uk Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
