"American" Jokes

[peacefuljeffrey 0]

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>But a supposed "American joke" that could easily apply to tons of other countries . . .

Dude. They're jokes. I mean, do you go to comedy movies and say "Hey, people don't really fart that much when they're eating beans?"

Since beans do make plenty of people fart, it's not stupid to have a joke about people farting a LOT due to eating beans. It's called "embellishment."

A joke about knowing you're on an American beach because there's an oil slick is hardly pointing out a uniquely American thing -- bad oil spills occur in all kinds of other countries -- so the "American-ness" of the joke is not there. Why are you having a difficult time understanding this? Forget your gingko biloba today?

-

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

[mardigrasbob 0]

A British gentleman and a French lady with a lap poodle are sharing a compartment in a train with an American soldier. The soldier gets up to open the window and bumps into the French woman. He starts to apologize, but she berates him as rude and clumsy. After a few minutes of this he calmly reaches over, grabs her poodle by the scruff of the neck and throws it out the window. Beside herself with rage, she demands that the Brit come to her assistance. “Certainly, madam,” he says, turning to the American. “I beg your pardon sir, but it appears that you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

The Brits also have a few jokes about the Americans, though they tend toward the polite. “The world needs to go to war every once in a while, if only to teach you Americans a little geography,”


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[billvon 3,116]

>Why are you having a difficult time understanding this? Forget your gingko
>biloba today?

A priest, a rabbi, and a hooker walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

(I know, the bartender wouldn't really say that, and you can't always tell who's a hooker and who's not by looking at them. But it's funny, really.)

[mardigrasbob 0]

A seal walks into a club.

ONLY IN AMERICA

Only in America... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America... Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America... Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

Only in America... Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America... Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America... Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America... Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

And in America a school teacher can get fired for having a Bible on her desk.

Only in America do we have several unread Bibles in our home, while most of the rest of the world is begging for just one copy.

Only in America do I offend people by wishing them a Merry Christmas.



Three men were sitting in a bar, one was French, one Itailan, and one American.

The Frenchman said "Last night I made love to my wife four times, and this morning she kept telling me how much she worshipped me."

So the Itailan said "Well, I had sex with my wife six times last night, and this morning she was too exhaused to speak."

The American remained silent, so the Frenchman smugly asks "So how many times did you have sex with your wife last night?"

"Once." the American replied.

"And what did she say this morning?" asked the Itailan.

"Dont stop!"

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[peacefuljeffrey 0]

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ONLY IN AMERICA

Only in America... Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Um, dumb joke -- no basis in reality. Pizza takes about 30 minutes. Ambulances are often there in 3.

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Only in America... Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

So there are no handicapped parents who take their kids to the skating rink? The "joke" of this is that the writer couldn't figure out that not everyone visiting a skating rink has to plan to skate.

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Only in America... Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

Um, this may be true -- I've seen it plenty -- but a) some people like the taste of the diet coke and that's why they buy it, and b) this is something that goes on only in America?? See, if it's not reallllly unique to America, almost to the exclusion of everywhere else, it is LAME as an "American joke." DON'T YOU PEOPLE GET IT?

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Only in America... Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

The alternative being unchaining the pens, so that they can be stolen or (forgetfully kept) by customers who can't get in because the doors are locked? That'd make a lot of sense. What is wrong with wanting to retain the pens? What is wrong with leaving the doors to a business open so that people can come in to do business?

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Only in America... Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

We have caller i.d./call waiting working in conjunction so that you can SEE who's "beeping in" and then decide IF you want to answer. You might; you might not. This one is nonsensical.

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Only in America... Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Umm, no, I buy buns in 8packs and hot dogs in 8packs too.

[

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And in America a school teacher can get fired for having a Bible on her desk.

Cite, please?

Quote

Only in America do we have several unread Bibles in our home, while most of the rest of the world is begging for just one copy.

Um, "the rest of the world is begging for just one copy of the bible?" Where in the world are they begging for bibles? Why is CNN not covering this dreadful bible shortage??

Quote

Only in America do I offend people by wishing them a Merry Christmas.

Go to England and wish everyone a Happy Independence Day on July 4. Since when does one person's holiday well-wishes have relevance to someone else who doesn't celebrate -- and may take issue with -- that holiday?

The sex joke, by the way, was really good.

-

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

[mardigrasbob 0]

An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball
cap, walks into a café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this
French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in
the mood for small talk.

The American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be
smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides
to remark on that.


"You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!" he says
in an astonished tone.


"Yes," replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.


"Not us," says the American. "We only eat the inside and
then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it
to the French as croissants."


The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.


"Eww..." says the American, "You eat your bread with that
jelly?"


"Yes," says the Frenchman.


"Not us," says the American, "We only eat fresh fruits.
Then we throw the peal in a container, process it and sell it
to the French as jelly."


"Really?" says the Frenchman, "And what do you do with your
used condoms?"


Taken aback, the American says, "Uhh... we just throw them
away."


"Not us," said the Frenchman, "We throw them in a container,
process them, and sell it as gum to the Americans."

--------------
AMERICAN SOLDIERS
In World War I, American soldiers were called "Doughboys".

In World War II, they were called "GIs".

In Korea, they were called "Dogfaces".

In Vietnam, they were called "Grunts".

In Desert Storm, they were called "Storm Troopers".

Today, they are called "Tali-whackers".

--------------
Wounded American--
A wounded American soldier in a battlefield hospital in Iraq tells the nurse: "How I wish I could kiss the American flag if I am going to die!" Nurse, extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism: "Actually, I have the American flag tattooed on my bottom. You may kiss my ass, if you don't mind it." Soldier: "Of course I wouldn't mind it. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish as a patriot American." The nurse took off her panties and the soldier kissed the flag. Soldier: "Thank you, nurse. Would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
----------

[jimbarry 0]

Lots of those are pretty good. Thanks!

Interesting to see us americans from the objective perspective of a joke from an non-american. Which is I think what Kennedy's request was all about.

It's about dialoguing with each other, not cutting each other down.

A joke doesn't have to be completely factual, just a seed of truth told in a clever way. If it were completely factual, then it probably wouldn't be funny, kinda like some of the purely political jabs much further above in this thread that aren't jokes at all.

[peacefuljeffrey 0]

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Lots of those are pretty good. Thanks!

Interesting to see us americans from the objective perspective of a joke from an non-american. Which is I think what Kennedy's request was all about.

It's about dialoguing with each other, not cutting each other down.

A joke doesn't have to be completely factual, just a seed of truth told in a clever way. If it were completely factual, then it probably wouldn't be funny, kinda like some of the purely political jabs much further above in this thread that aren't jokes at all.

Yes, some of these have been quite funny. My point about the unfunny ones is that they LACK that "seed of truth" you mention, like the missing seed of truth in the "American-ness" of oil spills on beaches. I can recognize a funny joke like anyone else.

-

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

[Botellines 0]

Dude, jokes are not facts. They don´t need to be backed up with evidence. That is why they are called jokes.

[mardigrasbob 0]

In honor of the Olympics and in the spirit of healthy competition between nations of the world, I will now attempt to simultaneously offend as many nations as possible with one joke. Quiet in the Stadium, please:

American
Thick. Arrogant and self centered.
African American
Thick and violent. No dress or music sense and a deep seated inferiority complex.
Irish American
Thick and violent enough to give money to terrorists. Just enough sense to leave their last country when the food ran out.
Hispanic American
Coming to America didn't help much. Still poor, still uneducated, but now they don't understand the TV.
Native American
Too stupid to leave when the modern Americans arrived. Too stubborn to die.
East Coast American
Probably a Lawyer. 'Nough said.
West Coast American
Clearly does not understand the word 'Earthquake'. Does understand the phrase 'double-decaff'.
Mid-West American
Stupidity runs in the family, if you know what I mean. Good banjo players though.
Canadian
Obsessed by Ice Hockey, otherwise American.
Scottish
Live in a permanently cold and wet environment, yet only discovered underwear a century ago.
Irish
Drunk, violent and too stupid to emigrate when the food ran out.
Welsh
Such an easy target, you can think of something.
English
Sexually repressed.
English (Essex)
Errr, *not* sexually repressed. Just lacking in taste.
Scandinavian
Even less sexually repressed than Essex girls. Better looking though, and more taste, apart from Ikea.
Americans
Still stupid. Just thought I'd mention it again. Think a "World Series" with teams from only one country is normal.
Belgians
Dull.
French
Smell of garlic.
Italian
Lazy, smell of garlic.
Greek
Incestuous, lazy, smell of garlic.
Polish
Unclean, incestuous, lazy. Don't smell of garlic, but you wish they did.
German
No sense of humour. Started the war... ...and lost.
Americans
Can't spell "Potatoes". Still stupid. Don't mind losing a war, so long as it's televised.
Chinese
Spik stlangely. Err, sorry, I mean: Speak strangely.
Japanese
Speak strangely, and are bound by such strict codes of conduct they'd rather disembowel themselves than apologise; hence some still glow in the dark.
Australians
Drunk. Screw sheep/kangaroos/dingos/anything. Want to sleep on your floor if you live in London.
Russian
Stupid and drunk. Sort of like an Australian American, I suppose, but without the sense of humour... perhaps a German Australian American?
New Zealand
Never heard a New Zealander joke, so, err, *dull*. But not as dull as the Belgians.
Mexicans
Exist purely to make the Americans feel less stupid. Say things like "Hey greeengo, we don' neeed your steeenkin' abuse". Get shot by baddies in cowboy films. And American Border Guards in real life.
Spanish
Had a great empire before the English did, now pathetic.
Portuguese
Had a slightly smaller empire than the Spanish, now even more pathetic.
Swiss
Sense of humour like a German's, but make better chocolate.
Arabs
Wear tea towels, national sports are buggery and losing wars. Hence quite like the Germans apart from the tea towels and the buggery. Well, as far as *I* know, anyway.


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[wmw999 2,588]

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lightbulb....

I think that in honor of the "jokes must have a nugget of truth to be funny" tone that some of the posts are taking, I'll adjust my favorite feminist joke:

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- and that's not funny!



Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[CornishChris 5]

One of the funniest things about this thread is Jeffreys responses.

You don't see me getting wound up when the yanks take the piss out of english teeth along the lines of: "Well actuall 74% of English people have some form of dental work to improve their teeth so that isn't funny therefore not true."

Joke; n: Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line.
A mischievous trick; a prank.
An amusing or ludicrous incident or situation.

CJP

Gods don't kill people. People with Gods kill people

[peacefuljeffrey 0]

Quote

Dude, jokes are not facts. They don´t need to be backed up with evidence. That is why they are called jokes.

Fine, you go on believing that jokes are not generally based on a connection with the truth which, when distorted somewhat, makes the joke funny.

"How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?"

"Canadians are too SHORT to change a light bulb!!!"

Get it?! It's so funny! Probably because it's not based in any truth!! LOL!!



-

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

[PhillyKev 0]

Here's a quarter, buy a sense of humor

Please note - for those who have trouble recognizing them, that is a joke.

[wmw999 2,588]

OK, I'll try.

Jeffrey, some jokes are funny because they resonate with people's perception. Not "the truth as you see it" (after all, there are short Canadians, too), but what people perceive.

So if you don't like the jokes that other countries find funny, then look at the perceptions they portray -- it's what they see from the outside. Let's all show them a better outside, and maybe the jokes will change.

You can't tell people that what they see is wrong -- all you can do is show them.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[christelsabine 1]

***
I can recognize a funny joke like anyone else.

Sure?

dudeist skydiver # 3105

[christelsabine 1]

Quote

American
Thick. Arrogant and self centered.
African American
Thick and violent. No dress or music sense and a deep seated inferiority complex.
Irish American
Thick and violent enough to give money to terrorists. Just enough sense to leave their last country when the food ran out.
Hispanic American
Coming to America didn't help much. Still poor, still uneducated, but now they don't understand the TV.
Native American
Too stupid to leave when the modern Americans arrived. Too stubborn to die.
East Coast American
Probably a Lawyer. 'Nough said.
West Coast American
Clearly does not understand the word 'Earthquake'. Does understand the phrase 'double-decaff'.
Mid-West American
Stupidity runs in the family, if you know what I mean. Good banjo players though.
Canadian
Obsessed by Ice Hockey, otherwise American.
Scottish
Live in a permanently cold and wet environment, yet only discovered underwear a century ago.
Irish
Drunk, violent and too stupid to emigrate when the food ran out.
Welsh
Such an easy target, you can think of something.
English
Sexually repressed.
English (Essex)
Errr, *not* sexually repressed. Just lacking in taste.
Scandinavian
Even less sexually repressed than Essex girls. Better looking though, and more taste, apart from Ikea.
Americans
Still stupid. Just thought I'd mention it again. Think a "World Series" with teams from only one country is normal.
Belgians
Dull.
French
Smell of garlic.
Italian
Lazy, smell of garlic.
Greek
Incestuous, lazy, smell of garlic.
Polish
Unclean, incestuous, lazy. Don't smell of garlic, but you wish they did.
German
No sense of humour. Started the war... ...and lost.
Americans
Can't spell "Potatoes". Still stupid. Don't mind losing a war, so long as it's televised.
Chinese
Spik stlangely. Err, sorry, I mean: Speak strangely.
Japanese
Speak strangely, and are bound by such strict codes of conduct they'd rather disembowel themselves than apologise; hence some still glow in the dark.
Australians
Drunk. Screw sheep/kangaroos/dingos/anything. Want to sleep on your floor if you live in London.
Russian
Stupid and drunk. Sort of like an Australian American, I suppose, but without the sense of humour... perhaps a German Australian American?
New Zealand
Never heard a New Zealander joke, so, err, *dull*. But not as dull as the Belgians.
Mexicans
Exist purely to make the Americans feel less stupid. Say things like "Hey greeengo, we don' neeed your steeenkin' abuse". Get shot by baddies in cowboy films. And American Border Guards in real life.
Spanish
Had a great empire before the English did, now pathetic.
Portuguese
Had a slightly smaller empire than the Spanish, now even more pathetic.
Swiss
Sense of humour like a German's, but make better chocolate.
Arabs
Wear tea towels, national sports are buggery and losing wars. Hence quite like the Germans apart from the tea towels and the buggery. Well, as far as *I* know, anyway.

Holy Moses, great, absolutely great!
ROFLAO
Thx for that

dudeist skydiver # 3105

[mardigrasbob 0]

Two Pakistanian guys wanted to become more American. The first guy decides to make a bet to see who can become the most American after one year.

One year later, the two guys meet. The first guy says, "I drive a Cheverolet Truck, my son plays baseball for the school, I own a house in a respectable neighborhood, and I drink Budweiser." The other guys says, "Fuck you, Towelhead!"

------

At the Olympics

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"


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[peacefuljeffrey 0]

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OK, I'll try.

Jeffrey, some jokes are funny because they resonate with people's perception. Not "the truth as you see it" (after all, there are short Canadians, too), but what people perceive.

So if you don't like the jokes that other countries find funny, then look at the perceptions they portray -- it's what they see from the outside. Let's all show them a better outside, and maybe the jokes will change.

You can't tell people that what they see is wrong -- all you can do is show them.

Wendy W.

So Wendy, are you saying that all it takes is for some people to have the whacked-out erroneous perception that the U.S. suffers more oil slicks on beaches than any other place in the world to make it a funny joke to say You know you're on an American beach because of the oil slick?

It begins to seem as though some of you people just don't believe there's such a thing as a joke that flops!

-

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

[peacefuljeffrey 0]

Quote

I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Is this supposed to qualify as an "American joke"? I think it's more like "thread drift." Couldn't you substitute any other two nationalities for that joke? Maybe a Bavarian wrestler to use the "pretzel hold," I'm thinkin'... Adds a little more "truth" to the joke.

And, um, is it supposed to be common knowledge that having one's balls bitten gives one a burst of strength?! Not so sure about that...

Still lookin' for truth in humor...
-

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

[mardigrasbob 0]

Quote

Quote

I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Is this supposed to qualify as an "American joke"? I think it's more like "thread drift." Couldn't you substitute any other two nationalities for that joke? Maybe a Bavarian wrestler to use the "pretzel hold," I'm thinkin'... Adds a little more "truth" to the joke.

And, um, is it supposed to be common knowledge that having one's balls bitten gives one a burst of strength?! Not so sure about that...

Still lookin' for truth in humor...
-

Jeffrey, Please go jumping this weekend! I'll pay for one slot. My jokes may not be original, fair or even funny. Most were mearly pasted from other sites, but your ragging on them shows a lack of altitude. Get your knees in the breeze my friend!


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[peacefuljeffrey 0]

No worries, Bob. This is how I am when I do skydive on a weekly basis! I jumped three times last week, and will probably do three to five this week. New jumpsuit and helmet and all!
You go, too!

Call Skydive Sebastian and I'm sure they'll take your credit card info to boost my account by $19. Thanks!
-

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"