Zennie 0 #101 August 21, 2004 QuoteZero. Americans are too FAT to FIT in a lightbulb, so how can they get in there to screw?! Of course if it's a Super Size lightbulb.... - Z "Always be yourself... unless you suck." - Joss Whedon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Skyrad 0 #102 August 23, 2004 'In France, is there a dearth of French jokes?' Yes, because to make jokes one first requires a sense of humour. When an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy. Lucius Annaeus Seneca Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
miked10270 0 #103 August 23, 2004 Quote'In France, is there a dearth of French jokes?' Yes, because to make jokes one first requires a sense of humour. German Jokes...? Let's face it. Jokes on nationality are largely for the consumption of people outwith that nationality. For example, show me the German who finds this funny...: Dusseldorf tower controller (they are perpetually very busy and thus somewhat abrupt): "Speedbird 055, exit runway when able and proceed to gate 37". British Airways pilot who's just landed a Dusseldorf airport (which is MASSIVE and complex): Tower, this is Speedbird 055, request directed taxi to gate 37". Tower Controller: "What do you mean; directed taxi. Use your airport map". Pilot: "Don't have one". Tower: "It's perfectly simple to go to gate 37. Have you NEVER been to Dusseldorf before?" Pilot: Several times... In 1944... But we didn't land." Mike. . Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable. Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #104 August 23, 2004 QuoteOk, maybe I am just out of the loop so to speak...but wasn't this thread supposed to be about "American" Jokes and not about posters pissing off posters...?!? That is the reason why I don't post in this forum very much...the threads drift towards hateful dislike for each other and nitpicking to the point of confusion...... Ummm...aren't jokes supposed to be funny? ~R+R... They ARE supposed to be - but We haven't seen any that qualify yet.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
christelsabine 1 #105 August 23, 2004 Quote German Jokes...? Let's face it. Jokes on nationality are largely for the consumption of people outwith that nationality. For example, show me the German who finds this funny...: Dusseldorf tower controller (they are perpetually very busy and thus somewhat abrupt): "Speedbird 055, exit runway when able and proceed to gate 37". British Airways pilot who's just landed a Dusseldorf airport (which is MASSIVE and complex): Tower, this is Speedbird 055, request directed taxi to gate 37". Tower Controller: "What do you mean; directed taxi. Use your airport map". Pilot: "Don't have one". Tower: "It's perfectly simple to go to gate 37. Have you NEVER been to Dusseldorf before?" Pilot: Several times... In 1944... But we didn't land." Oh man, this is one is much tooooo old to even waste a smile on that joke. But on other hand, doesn't it show the actual aeronautics education level of BA (or AA or...) dudeist skydiver # 3105 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
miked10270 0 #106 August 23, 2004 QuoteOh man, this is one is much tooooo old to even waste a smile on that joke. So go on. Tell me a German joke, and an English joke I'll laugh at.... Or prove my point.Mike. . Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable. Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
christelsabine 1 #107 August 24, 2004 Quote So go on. Tell me a German joke, and an English joke I'll laugh at.... Or prove my point Yes I will, promised! As soon as I can remember one! As most people, I use to forget jokes ... dudeist skydiver # 3105 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Skyrad 0 #108 August 24, 2004 With the exception of the Irish, I've heard more Irish jokes from Irish friends than from anyone else. Also English jokes, from the English, we like to laugh at ourselves as well, but the Irish win hands down. When an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy. Lucius Annaeus Seneca Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mardigrasbob 0 #109 August 25, 2004 www.rivervet.com/patton.htm I'm Back! ----------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #110 August 25, 2004 Quotewww.rivervet.com/patton.htm I'm Back! ----------------------- *SIGH* That about sums it up.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
christelsabine 1 #111 August 25, 2004 Quote www.rivervet.com/patton.htm[/url] I'm Back! Was that your personal point of view on jokes? dudeist skydiver # 3105 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kennedy 0 #112 August 25, 2004 Maybe that is his idea of a joke. I don't know. Either way, it was no less funny than a good portion of what's already been said.witty subliminal message Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards. 1* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkyDekker 1,465 #113 August 25, 2004 you guys crack me up. You have no problem making jokes about the french and about canadians. But when jokes are made about americans, you get all touchy and upset... bwahahahahahahahahhahahah Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kennedy 0 #114 August 25, 2004 Go back and check who started this thread. Stop being ridiculous. By they way. LOOK AT WHAT I'M SAYING ISN'T FUNNY. Crawl out of your little stereotype hole and look at teh real world every now and then.witty subliminal message Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards. 1* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkyDekker 1,465 #115 August 25, 2004 you are the one who started this challenge of "american" jokes. Are you all upset that people were able to find some? Unfortunately you are not superior to the Polish, French and Canadians. as a matter of fact I would venture to say that worldwide the Americans are the butt end of jokes more so then any other society on earth. But that is just from my little stereo type hole, I don't make it out into the real world as much as you do. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
christelsabine 1 #116 August 25, 2004 Quote I don't know. If you don't know, why do you reply on such a sh**t? dudeist skydiver # 3105 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jimbarry 0 #117 August 25, 2004 Quoteas a matter of fact I would venture to say that worldwide the Americans are the butt end of jokes more so then any other society on earth. excellent. let's hear some. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyKev 0 #118 August 25, 2004 QuoteQuoteas a matter of fact I would venture to say that worldwide the Americans are the butt end of jokes more so then any other society on earth. excellent. let's hear some. Even better, why not start a thread full of them? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mardigrasbob 0 #119 August 25, 2004 Here are some jokes from foreign countries that often bear the brunt of many American jokes. (Don't flame me. I'm an American.) Q: Why does it take 3 Americans to change a lightbulb? A: One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough lightbulbs until one is found that isn't defective. Q: How can you tell it's midnight at an American airport? A: When you see the 8:00 PM flights taking off. Q: Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses? A: So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five years. Q: What do Americans call a TV set that goes five years without need of repair? A: An import. Q: How can an American be certain that the car he's just bought is actually new? A: When it's recalled by the factory. [Note - reportedly from MAD Magazine - ed.] Top 10 American Jokes 10. You think most Indian teenagers are pure and chaste. 9. You think everyone in the world knows about the O.J. Simpson case. 8. You can't believe the world wide web exists in India. You can't believe Delhi has had phone services like call waiting and the other fancy stuff you get here for the past three years and you can't believe there have been ATM (like MAC) machines in Indian cities for more than 7 years. 7. You like Broccoli. 6. You find cricket to be boring but watch golf, bowling or curling on TV. 5. You express sarcasm with "Yeah, right." 4. When you see anyone at all pass by you on the road, you greet them with a "Howz it goin", "Whassup" or "How you doin" and keep walking on. 3. You say "interesting" when either you don't care or think it is weird. 2. You refer to India as a Third World Country. 1. You understood, enjoyed and could relate to every joke in the Humor Page More: How can you tell when it's two hours after a terrible American automobile accident? By the arrival of the Ambulance! What do you call a letter mailed in Dallas on a Thursday, and arriving in Ft. Worth a week from the following Monday? "Special Delivery"! How can you tell when you're on an American beach? By the oil slick in the water! What is the record for the number of late-night strolls through an American urban ghetto? One! How can an American be certain that the car he's bough is actually new? When it's recalled by the factory! What happened when the American doctor made a house call? The patient died of shock! What do American unions call walking off their jobs, striking unlawfully, and crippling an entire city? "Collective Bargaining"! What's black on the inside, white on the outside and polluted? Any large American city! more.... WHAT IS AN AMERICAN? We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner." We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwich. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car. We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces. The top ten replies to "cheese-eating surrender monkeys": 10. How many Amerikans does it take to prosecute a sex crime? Answer: 535--435 in the House, 100 in the Senate 9. How do Republicans reduce unemployment? Answer: By prosecuting oral sex. 8. How do Republicans increase unemployment? Answer: They cut spending on Monica Lewinsky. 7. How many times did employers fire Saddam Hussein? Answer: Only once, the CIA paid for the rest of his work. 6. How many wives does the average Amerikan husband have? Answer: 10, 1 at home and 9 in Utah. 5. How does the Amerikan womyn avoid the singles bar scene? Answer: She marries her kidnapper. 4. How many Amerikans does it take to catch and prosecute child-abusing polygamists? Answer: No one knows: it's never been tried. 3. How many Amerikans does it take to buy a gallon of gas? Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it. 2. Why do Amerikan wars always come in twos? Answer: The first one creates terrorists and the second one does too. 1. Amerikans, the "Cheez-Whiz-eating Lewinsky addicts." ------------------ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peacefuljeffrey 0 #120 August 25, 2004 Okay, from Bob's post, here are some "jokes" that just don't succeed at being funny, some because they're not based on anything TRUE, others because they're just lame: Quote10. You think most Indian teenagers are pure and chaste. So, the fact that they're not is something to brag about? Besides, I can't think of when I EVER contemplated whether Indian teenagers are anything. I don't give a shit about Indian teenagers -- and I would never have suspected that they are "pure and chaste" given the overpopulation of India. Quote8. You can't believe the world wide web exists in India. You can't believe Delhi has had phone services like call waiting and the other fancy stuff you get here for the past three years and you can't believe there have been ATM (like MAC) machines in Indian cities for more than 7 years. OOOOH! SEVEN WHOLE YEARS? Wow, you're really on the cutting edge, there! Quote7. You like Broccoli. Yes, and this, as everyone knows, is a distinctly American thing and as such, we should be very embarrassed about it. Quote2. You refer to India as a Third World Country. I'd say hundreds of millions of people living in cramped, diseased squalor and poverty qualifies it. That and the continued use of a caste system by which people are born to be spat on, and everyone accepts this as the norm. QuoteMore: How can you tell when it's two hours after a terrible American automobile accident? By the arrival of the Ambulance! That's just stupid. Ambulance response times in the U.S. are most commonly measured in the scant minutes. Where'd this one even come from?? QuoteWhat do you call a letter mailed in Dallas on a Thursday, and arriving in Ft. Worth a week from the following Monday? "Special Delivery"! You're kidding, right? I put a 37 cent stamp on a letter, send it FL to NY (1300 miles) and it's there on the third day. This joke has no basis in fact. And I have NEVER in my life had a letter I sent not reach its target. QuoteHow can you tell when you're on an American beach? By the oil slick in the water! I am not gonna go do a Google search to back this up, but countries all over the WORLD have really bad oil spills and slicks. It hardly qualifies as an "American joke" if it could apply just as well to three dozen countries with coastline. QuoteWhat is the record for the number of late-night strolls through an American urban ghetto? One! What is the record for homeless people bludgeoned to death on the streets of Brazil? WE DON'T KNOW YET. THEY KEEP MURDERING MORE OF THEM. Yeah, America is the only country with shitty slums where violent activity goes on. QuoteWhat happened when the American doctor made a house call? The patient died of shock! And in India, half a million people died of shock when we sent some of our Doctors Without Borders to cure their malaria, dysentery, diptheria, etc. because they didn't know what a doctor WAS. They thought he was supposed to dance around in a mask and shake rattles. QuoteWhat do American unions call walking off their jobs, striking unlawfully, and crippling an entire city? "Collective Bargaining"! What do the FRENCH call SEVEN UNIONS AT ONCE walking off the job, including garbage men, bus drivers, police, firemen, and pilots? Business as usual. QuoteWhat's black on the inside, white on the outside and polluted? Any large American city! LOL Again, America is the only country in the world with large cities that have polution and an economic underclass! Ethnic and national jokes are not funny unless they have a ring of truth to them, people. --Jeffrey "With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
billvon 3,116 #121 August 25, 2004 >some because they're not based on anything TRUE . . . Dude. They're jokes. Believe it or not, all that stuff really doesn't happen when a blonde walks into a bar. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kennedy 0 #122 August 25, 2004 What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?witty subliminal message Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards. 1* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
peacefuljeffrey 0 #123 August 25, 2004 Quote>some because they're not based on anything TRUE . . . Dude. They're jokes. Believe it or not, all that stuff really doesn't happen when a blonde walks into a bar. Once again, billvon deliberately misses my point. The blonde jokes are BASED ON the alleged ditziness of blondes (something many people can claim to have observed, even if it's not "universal"). French jokes about military cowardice are distincty French because they have a reputation for failing to stand up to a fight and needing rescue. Etc. Etc. But a supposed "American joke" that could easily apply to tons of other countries, like something about pollution, or crime -- or broccoli?? -- just falls flat. These kinds of jokes are supposed to pick on something that a country is known for. The crappy car ones are GREAT, because it's TRUE that American cars suck shit almost as a rule. The rest... meh. --Jeffrey "With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TomAiello 26 #124 August 25, 2004 QuoteQuote>some because they're not based on anything TRUE . . . Dude. They're jokes. Believe it or not, all that stuff really doesn't happen when a blonde walks into a bar. Once again, billvon deliberately misses my point. I hate to say it, but I think maybe you've missed the point. This thread was about telling jokes. Laugh, smile, don't get worked up. We have all the other threads in this forum for that. Heard on a hike to a European BASE exit point: "Damn it, I'm an American! Where's my helicopter?!" We can't all be fat and lazy. Some of us live outside the US.-- Tom Aiello Tom@SnakeRiverBASE.com SnakeRiverBASE.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
billvon 3,116 #125 August 25, 2004 >But a supposed "American joke" that could easily apply to tons of other countries . . . Dude. They're jokes. I mean, do you go to comedy movies and say "Hey, people don't really fart that much when they're eating beans?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
