Latest News from 2004 Presidential Elections:

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These stories just in....

Satirists Avoid Kerry/Edwards in Favor of Bush Humor.


"Stop Me If You've Heard This One...."
Hoping for a "post-Convention Bounce", the Kerry/Edwards ticket has fallen flat on the humor front. "No one except amateurs are touching Kerry/Edwards right now," Jay Leno said in a pre-show interview. "But apparently that hasn't stopped them from touching each other," he quickly added the punchline, punctuated by sycophantic laugher from bandleader Kevin Eubanks and a sharp snare accent. But, seriously folks, satirists and comics in all venues have been avoiding Kerry/Edwards like a plague.

"Basically, they aren't funny enough. People laugh at funny, not boring," performer Chris Rock said in passing. "Now, if they had Al Sharpton on the ticket...now we're talking humor heaven!" Even pundits like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly have steered clear of the democratic dream-team. "I've got ratings to think about. Sorry, when it comes to those two, I've got nothing," Rush Limbaugh replied when asked why he was ignoring them.

A quick search for 'Kerry' or 'Edwards on Google yields a bounty of boring sites dedicated to mundane political issues and posturing, but few if any humor related items. After a flash of Kerry related parodies just after the Convention, he has all but fallen off the radar in terms of joke material. Bush is clearly ahead, cleverly timing bike accidents and assorted malapropos musings to keep him in the comedy game. Bush's handlers clearly understand the dynamics of comedic dialog and work hard to keep Bush related satire prominent.

"If you don't have the top three television comedians and at least 30% of the on-line satire sites regularly lampooning you, you're losing the election," remarked Karl Rove. "We've calculated that every cleverly circulated parody on a high-volume site accounts for a half-point bounce in the polls. At this rate, Kerry and Edwards will be living under a bridge by November," Rove laughed maniacally.

And speaking of Trolls, even Dennis Miller has been stifled in his effort to glen serviceable material out of the Democratic dynamic duo. "I've had to revert to my emergency stash of Clinton jokes. The Kerry/Edwards gags are killing me out there." And the Democrats have of late grown nostalgic for the glory days when Clinton jokes ruled the roost. But as the Bush-Joke-Juggernaut continues to hit hard and fast in the weeks leading up to the election, it is increasingly apparent that there is just not a damned thing funny about Kerry/Edwards. But, Bush supporters can rejoice, because there's much more to come. And by the way...did you hear the one about Bush and the anti-depressants?


And...


President Bush asks Google to find Osama Bin Laden.

Google researchers are hot on the trail after President Bush commissioned them through their fee-based "Google Answers" service to find Osama Bin Laden. Mr Bush, speaking at a fund raiser in Baltimore today said that he was confident that Google would locate the master terrorist. He added,

"We don't expect Google to bring Bin Laden to justice or anything. Our special forces people will take care of all the details .. once Google tells us where to go pick him up".

Google CEO Dr. Eric E. Schmidt says that his company has been presented with some pretty "Mission Impossible" type research requests before but nothing quite as challenging as Mr Bush's. He however said,

"We can find anything. For the right price we can find God. A great deal of our revenue comes from out our fee-based 'Answers' service. People go there, type in their question and for as little as $2.50 our expert researches will answer your question. Mr Bush typed in 'Where is Osama Bin Laden?'. We have not given the president an exact quote on how much that research will be but we think it might be a bit more than $2.50."

Sources say that Bill Gates, on hearing of the Google deal offered to undercut Googles price, whatever that price might be, by finding Bin Laden 15% cheaper than Google can. Gates told reporters,

"Our new MSN search engine blows away any program, system or algorithm that Google may have in it's possession. We are not trying to take over the Search Engine market simply trying to improve it for the good of all. If by chance that happens to put Google and all of the other search engines out of business ..."

Sources at Google say that they also recommended that the president place a couple of strategic Google AdWords .. mini-ads that might entice Osama Bin Laden into clicking on a link. One unnamed source said,

"We could setup Mr Bush's AdWord ad so that we could monitor the IP address of any person hitting that link. For example Mr Bush's Ad might say,

'DISCOUNT CAR BOMB COMPONENTS'.

"Once Bin Laden clicked that ad we'd relay the IP information to the State Department .. boom, we've got our terrorist. Check please."

Google denies rumors that Bin Laden has commissioned Google Answers to find out out to elude President Bush. President Bush denies rumors that he is denying rumors. The State Department is denying rumors that Mr Bush denies rumors. Bin Laden sails on ..

Mike.

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Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.