Airplane Humour

[harro 0]

Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor?
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and ATC facilities from around the world:
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the B727 on
downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to
provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth!"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.
If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a
right at the light to return to the airport.
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was
being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at
Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll
follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl):
"Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a
Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the
way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, roger, cleared for takeoff; and
yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our
caterers."
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got
that Fokker in sight."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location
but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747
(call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed
to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you
never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of
Boeing. I didn't stop."
I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in
Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the
junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't
recall the call signs any longer)
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you
lost the bloody war!"
Freemind, freesky, freebeer, freefly

[frost 1]

LMAO! That last one was good!