Friday funny

[R00tj00se 0]

****WARNING - The following is a joke. If you take offense at the following then you have a serious problem. Warning over***
> Womens Guinness Book of Records
>
> Car Parking
>
> The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was
> one of 63ft 2ins, equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs
> Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on
> October 12, 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate,
> Pontefract,
> and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement in 8 hours
> 14  minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of
her
>  own  and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two
> lampposts.
>
> Film Confusion
>
> The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her
> husband  without asking a stupid plot related question was achieved on 28
> October  1990, when Mrs Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to
watch
> the
>  Ipcress File.
>
> She watched in silence for a breath taking 2 mins 40 secs before
> asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie then, him in the glasses?", revealing
a
> staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962
> when  she sat through 2mins 38secs of 633 Squadron before asking, "Is
this
> a
>  war  film".
>
> Shop Dithering
>
> The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between August 21
> and September 2 1995 by Mrs Sandra Wilks in the Birmingham branch of
> Dorothy Perkins.
> Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs Wilks could not chose
> between
> two near identical dresses which were both in a sale. After one hour,
> her husband sitting on a chair in the changing room with his head in his
> hands, told her to buy both. Mrs Wilks eventually bought one for £12.99,
> only to return the following day and exchange it for the other one. To
> date,
> she has yet to wear it.
> Mrs Wilks also holds the record for window-shopping longevity, when
> starting in September 12 1995; she stood motionless gazing as
> pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for three weeks and
> two
> days before eventually going home.
>
> Talking About Nothing
>
> Mrs Mary Caterham and Mrs Marjorie Steele sat in a kitchen in
> Blackburn, Lancashire, and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a
> half
> months from May 1 to August 7 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and
> toilet
> visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and
> neither woman
> gained any new knowledge whatsoever.
>
> The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs Vera
> Etherington and her neighbour Mrs Dolly Booth, of Ipswich, who between
> November 11, 1983 and January 12, 1984 chuntered on over their fence
> in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs Booth
> remembered she'd left the bath running.
>
>
> Group Toilet Visit
>
> The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
> simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social
> Security,
> Longbenton.
>  At their annual Christmas celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon
>  Tyne on October 12 1994, Mrs Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet
>  and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party.
>  Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after
>  waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.
>
>
> Incorrect Driving
>
> The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 313
> miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead by Dr Julie Thorn at the wheel of a
> Saab 900 on April 2, 1987.
> Dr Thorn actually smelled burning two miles into the journey at Aird
> but  pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels.
> This journey also holds the record for the longest completed journey
>  with  the choke fully out and the indicator flashing.
>
>
> Jumble Sale Massacre
>
> The greatest number of old ladies to perish while fighting at a jumble
> sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire
> on  February 12, 1991.
> When the doors opened at 10am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16
> lives, a further 25 being   killed in a crush at the first table. A
> seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress  costing 10p,
> which escalated into a full-scale melee resulting in another 18 lives
> being
> lost.
> A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread
> throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women.
> The jumble sale raised £5.28 for the local Boy Scouts.
>
>
> Gossiping
>
>
> On February 18 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes
> Banbury, popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of
> which
> she told Mrs Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an
> affair with the local butcher.  After Mrs Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs
> Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy.
> By 2.30pm, she had told
> 128 people the news.
> BY 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4pm that afternoon, 2,774 knew of
> the affair, including the local amateur dramatic society, several
knitting
> circles, a coach load of American tourists, which she flagged down,
> and the butchers wife.
> When a tired Mrs Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs
> Blatherwicks affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338
> people,  enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
>

[mountainman 0]

Awesome, Root!! Thanks for sharing!!
I especially like that first one. PRICELESS!!!
--------------
Drop on in...leave a message

[Slappie 9]

****WARNING - The following is a joke. If you take offense at the following then you have a serious problem. Warning over***
TEN COMMANDMENTS (EBONICS STYLE)

1. I'm God. Don't play me.
(I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other Gods before me)

2. Don't be making no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me.
(Thou shalt not have any graven images)

3. Don't be callin' me for no reason.
(Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain)

4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday.
(Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy)

5. Don't dis or cuss yo momma......and if you know who ya daddy is, don' dis
him neither.
(Honor they father and mother)

6. Don't be goin' on no drive bys.
(Thou shalt not kill)

7. Stick to ya own Boo!!!
(Thou shalt not commit adultery)

8. Don't be borrowing stuff and don't gi' it back.
(Though shalt not steal)

9. Don't be snitchn on the uva man to save yourself.
(Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother)

10. Don't be eyein' (skeeming) yo homies crib, ride, woman or nuffin.
(Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother)
Blue Skies!http://www.geocities.com/scollins77057/index.html

[flyhi 24]

Because I hope to eventually get lucky sometime in the not too distant future, I refuse to say nice response to "Girls only, check it out" from hottamaly...but you know I'm thinking it.
flyhi