Friday Funnies

[chicagoskydiver 0]

OK, here's the standard disclaimer. This post is meant to be funny. I do not want to offend anyone from the south. With that in mind....
HICKBONICS
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to
pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars
pipelined through Washington by designating Southern
slang, or Hickbonics, as a language to be taught in
all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be
a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the
Hickbonics/Englishdictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive to borrow
Usage: Mah brother bard mah pickup truck.
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol
is Lanner. (Atlanta)
Usage: Mah brother from Jawjuh bard mah pickup truck.
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol
is Berminhayum.
Usage: A tornader jes went through Bammer an left
$20,000,000 in improvements.
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: Mah brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck,
and I aint herd from him in munts.
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: Ah thank ahll have a bare.
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley,
hops, and yeast.
Usage: Ah thank ahll have a bare.
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See Arkansas native.
Usage: Them bammer boys sure are ignert
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tightnin bolts.
Usage: I thank I left mah ranch in the back of that
pickup truck mah brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts
ago.
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: I sure hope mah brother from Jawjuh puts all in
mah pickup truck.
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: If mah brother from Jawjuh dont change the all
in mah pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh
dont git a flat tar in my pickup truck.
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: Lord willin and the crick don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that there Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: Mah grampaw retard at age 65.
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage
in battle or combat.
Usage: You younguns keep fatn, n ahm gonna whup yuh.
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: We Southerners are willin to fat for are rats.
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be
from some farn country.
DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: Hes did, Jim.
EAR - (noun) - A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: He caint breathe...give im some ear.
ASS - (noun) - frozen water.
Usage: Mah te's gettin warm. Put a couple ofasscubes
init.
Te - (noun) - a beverage usually derived from leaves
steeped in hot water.
Usage: Ah shore like assed te.
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job
with that bob war fence cumpny?
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah...haze ignert. He aint
thanked but a minnit n is laf.
SEED - (verb) - past tense of to see.
Usage: Ah seed it with mah own ahes.
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.
HAIL - (noun) -1. Place you go if you don't lead a good life. 2. An expression of disgust.
Usage: Aw hail!
Hackey

[mouth 0]

You forgot a few:
FIXINTA--that means I'll do something in a minute
YAONTA--Do you want to do something?
S'SQUEET--Let's go eat
YAREKON--you think so??
And Kingie, you had best not say I sould like that (even if I do) or I'll KICYOASS

[Kris 0]

Okay, this one was too strange not to put here. This is a true story. Sad, isn't it?
ARKANSAS CITY, AR, USA (EAP) --
A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the 'rapture' was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.
"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. "She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say. "This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, the first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.
When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
Remember kids, truth is stranger than fiction.
Kris

[Jessica 0]

Sorry Kris, but no, that's NOT true!! It's a fake story from the Religion in the News Web site:
http://web2.airmail.net/~elo/news/
Read all about it here!
http://www.snopes.com/religion/rapture.htm

[SpeedRacer 1]

Wow, I was right. I read that story & posted a reply that it sounded a little too "perfect" to be true. Somehow my reply got eaten by my slow computer.
But yeah, you can usually tell an urban legend by the fact that it just sounds too much like a contrived story.
Speed Racer
"Come up to my lab,
And see what's on the slab!"

[freeflir29 0]

Hell, it was supposed to have taken place in Arkansas. Any state that produces Bill, I'm a dumbass, Clinton could surely produce someone this stupid!
"The cab driver said... he recognized my girly by the back of her head" -Beasty Boys
Clay