God sets the record straight- The Onion

[SpeedRacer 1]

This is from The Onion. This is the first time I've ever seen them write something that attempted to have a serious message:
God Angrily Clarifies "Don't Kill" Rule
NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient
creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more
than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans
killing each other Monday.
"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so
for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying
visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin
Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to
kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting
sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to
kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms
that anybody ought to be able to understand."
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name
has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in
what He called "an unending cycle of violence."
"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person
tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I
don't care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is
one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."
The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely
intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has
traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to
clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and
laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries,
deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to
manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock,
outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His
name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.
"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so
you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God,
called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I
guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a
four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses.
How much more clear can I get?"
"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know,
somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this
guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's
not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder
people.'" Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions
arejustified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an.
"To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God
said. "So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I
did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have
misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material
that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a
second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into
Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will to kill gays. It absolutely
drives Me up the wall."
God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as
"wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks
rare exceptions.
"This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but
vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good
reason," God said. "There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones.
The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of
these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in
America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club."
Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful,
Allah is merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no,
some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just
to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are
all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic
cultural progress down the drain."
God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic
extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or
her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.
"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same
mistake since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus,
the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the
Buddhists. The Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing,
Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people
believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been
killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades."
Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see?
What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out
there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic
message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism,
Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say
you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept
to grasp." "Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need
religion or God as an excuse to kill each other—you've been doing that
without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole
point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How
obvious can you get?"
"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to
a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it,
across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other
anymore—ever! I'm fucking serious!"
Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the
podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began
to shake, and He wept.
Speed Racer
"Come up to my lab,
And see what's on the slab!"

[freeflir29 0]

See....I told you there's an owl loose in here.......
Who....Who.......Who........
"This conversation ends right here Captain! You can talk to the ALO when he gets back."-Me
Clay

[Jessica 0]

Quote

This is the first time I've ever seen them write something that attempted to have a serious message...

That was some heavy shit. I actually teared up reading it, and I haven't cried much about the whole thing yet.
I think the fact that they're usually sardonic bastards really hit home how earnest this week's issue was.
Also from the special report ("Holy Fucking Shit: Attack on America"):
Report: Gen X Irony, Cynicism May Be Permanently Obsolete
AUSTIN, TX— According to Generation X sources, the recent attack on America may have rendered cynicism and irony permanently obsolete. "Remember the day after the attack, when all the senators were singing 'God Bless America,' arm-in-arm?" asked Dave Holt, 29. "Normally, I'd make some sarcastic wisecrack about something like that. But this time, I was deeply moved." Added Holt: "This earnestness can't last forever. Can it?"