Monday Funnies

[mountainman 0]

Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute
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Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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The golfer stops in the 19th hole bar for a cold beer.
He sits next to a nice lady and a conversation ensues.
"What's your name" he asks.
"Carmen" she says.
"It used to be Mary Lou, but since I love cars and men, I changed it to Car-men."
"That's a great idea" the golfer replies.
The lady says to him, "So what's your name?"
Without the least hesitation he says "Beer-golf."
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A pirate walked into a bar and up to the counter.
The bartender couldn't help but notice a large steering wheel
with a parrot perched atop it sticking out of the pirate's pants.
"Hey friend," the bartender said to the pirate, do you realize you have a steering wheel with a parrot on it sticking out of your pants?"
"Yar!" the pirate replied.
"He's driving me nuts!"
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When asked by their host if she would like another drink,
the attractive Blonde bowed her head slightly and said,
"No thank you.
My husband limits me to one drink."
"Why is that," the host asked?
Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it;
after two drinks ...anyone can!"
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Moe and Joe head to the men's room.
Moe says to Joe, " I wish I had one like my cousin J.R.
He needs four fingers ,to hold his!"
"You're holding yours with four fingers now," said Joe.
"Yeah, but I'm peeing on three of 'em!" complained Moe.
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everyone have a good week!! --------------
Brandon Wren

[freeflir29 0]

"Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ...anyone can!"
Is she coming to the Free Flight Festival?
"There once was a man named Enis....."-Krusty the Clown
Clay

[FallinWoman 1]

It was ignorant joke weekend at my DZ so....
Q: Why do women have the children?
A: Because it hurts and they deserve it.
Q: Why do women have faces?
A: So you can tell their mouths from their assholes.
And the worst...
Q: What is the worst part about eating bald pussy?
A: Putting the diaper back on.

[3fLiEr 0]

Q: what do you say to a women with two black eyes
A: Nothing - you have told her twice already
Man phones in ill at work
Man: Sorry I wont be in today - I am in bed and sick
Work: Just how sick are you
Man: Well I am in bed having sex with my 12yr old sister....
BSBD

[flyhi 24]

Quote

It was ignorant joke weekend at my DZ so....

Why are divorces so expensive? They're worth it.
Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman.
What's the best thing about sex with a 12 year old girl? Turn her over and it's just like sex with a 12 year old boy. And that's sick...
flyhi

[freeflir29 0]

"And that's sick..."
Yes they are.........Yes they are.............
"There once was a man named Enis....."-Krusty the Clown
Clay

[mountainman 0]

most of those were well beyond sick.....but since i have a lack of another word....those are SICK.
--------------
Brandon Wren

[FallingMarc 0]

Quote

"Yar!" the pirate replied.
"He's driving me nuts!"

HAHAHAHA....
Reminds me of another joke, it's much more fun to say than it is to type, but use it next time you're looking for a groan:
Did you see the previews for that new pirate movie they're coming out with?
It's rated "ARRRR..."

[TheMarshMan1 0]

"Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute"
I have that very same message on my voice mail, lol. Drives people nuts, especially the ones who actually have a good reason for calling:-)