Friday Funnies, If dear Abby were a man....

[SkyDekker 1,465]

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a man? Life could be so much simpler (for everyone)!
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you.
If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
"We cannot do great things, only small things with great love" Mother Theresa

[SpeedRacer 1]

Austin Powers pick up lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt).... Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs...what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
21. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no.......... Can I???
34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.



Speed Racer
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork from my lunch?!
-WC Fields

[freeflir29 0]

"My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one"
We don't go to sleep because we want to....WE HAVE TO!!!!!!
"The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal."
Well...said! Listen up ladies!!! "and I'm not easily impressed...Ooohh look...a blue car!" -Homer Simpson

[AggieDave 6]

"Hi, nice shoes, wanna fuck?"
AggieDave '02
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Blue Skies and Gig'em Ags!
BTHO t.u.

[freeflir29 0]

"F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?"
Reminds me of a very funny true story from Korea. I'm in the OB House (upstairs JTVal) and I see this hottie who I believe is one of the dentists from the Base. I walk over and strike up a conversation. I ask her name and she says "Felicia Godowns" I was like what????? I thought she was kidding and the next thing out of my mouth is...."Are you serious?" Laughing hysterically!!!!!! Totally ruined my play!!! I mean....what are you supposed to say to a woman with the last name of Go Downs........"and I'm not easily impressed...Ooohh look...a blue car!" -Homer Simpson

[scottbre 0]

That's sounds an aweful lot like a radio bit I have heard called Dr. Shotski Wadsworth. He's a sock puppet sex therapist.
"Can't keep my mind from the circling sky. Tongue-tied & twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I."

[skymama 37]

LOL, at the Austin Powers lines! Gee, Clay, if only you would have tried those out on me!
Andrea
The brave may not live forever, but the timid may not live at all.

[freeflir29 0]

"Clay, if only you would have tried those out on me!"
Ohhh...don't go makin up stories.......LOL
"and I'm not easily impressed...Ooohh look...a blue car!" -Homer Simpson

[rgoper 0]

Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a man? Life could be so much simpler (for everyone)!
-----------------------------------------------------
"IF" is the key word here, for instance "IF" is the most widely utilized word in the english language, and yet it only consists of two letters. ya know "IF" elephants could fly, they'd get more eagle pussy!
j/k
Richard
"Gravity Is My Friend"
just my lame attempt at some friday humor (ducking behind desk)

[flyhi 24]

Best car ad I ever heard was from Dothan, AL.
"You want a new car. We want to sell you a new car. So grab the wife, bring her down here, and let's dicker!"
And it was all said with a straight face.
flyhi

[Spectrejumper 0]

"Those must be space pants, cause your ass is out of this word."
Mike D-23312
"It's such a shame to spend your time away like this...existing." JMH