the REAL Santa letters

[lummy 4]

Dear Santa,
I wud lika a kool toy spce ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about
I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least he can spell.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay .
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back do or.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. Do me a favor . Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
YOur friend Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the crap table.
Hey, you wanted to know
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake,
like the song?
Love, Jessica.
Dear Jessica
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Can I please, please, please, please, please have a pupppy?
Your friend Timmy.
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa