Friday Funneez

[SpeedRacer 1]

Reality in La La Laden Land

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth
$300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans
for their 'excessive' lifestyle."
-- David Letterman

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin
Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
> > -- Jay Leno
> >
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich
kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids.
Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and
has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart
investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the
money
in his war against capitalism."
-- Jay Leno
> >
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came
here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as
long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two
days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put
Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
-- Jay Leno
> >
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden.
You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just
like Clinton."
-- Jay Leno
> >
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M.
I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over
there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
-- Jay Leno
> >
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50
brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea
he was
Catholic"
-- Conan O'Brien
> >
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands
of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living,
which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with
death, we'll continue living."
> > -- Jay Leno
> >
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As
usual, we're number three."
> > -- David Letterman
> >
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to
be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white
powder."
-- Jay Leno
> >
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the
networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news.
This
reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If
they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the
guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"
> > -- Jay Leno
> >
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that
Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent
that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius
came up with this promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's
put
that in a box."
-- Jay Leno
> >
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any
letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is
going to
be terrible news for the rap industry."
-- Jay Leno
> >
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky
Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought
they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel
Sanders."
-- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
> >
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West
Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City.
The
exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the
world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV
shows
are top secret."
-- Jay Leno
> >
"Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban
will fall for hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing
by to replace Mullah Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all,
President Bush has learned all their names."
-- Comedian Argus Hamilton
> >
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go
over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having
trouble
rhyming the word Jihad."
-- Jay Leno
> >
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after
the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should
do?
They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up
his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death
with service charges."
-- Jay Leno
> >
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the
airport, but let's be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and
your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early."
-- Jay Leno

Speed Racer
"My God! It's full of stars!"

[Phil 0]

There were two little boys sitting on the street corner and
one little boy says
to the other: "My butt is
asleep."
The other boy answers, "I know, I just heard it snore."
*********************************************
WHAT IS SUCCESS?
At age 4, a success is... not peeing in your pants
At age 12, a success is... having friends
At age 16, success is... getting a driver's license
At age 20, success is... having sex
At age 30, success is... having tons of money
At age 40, success is... having tons of money
At age 50, success is... having sex
At age 60, success is... getting a driver's license
At age 70, a success is... having friends
At age 80, a success is... not peeing in your pants
*********************************************
A Talking Chicken
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story
of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part
of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
farmer.
She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what
do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes.
**************************************************
Teenagers
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my
three year old came into the room when I was just getting
ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are
getting fat!" I replied, "Yes,honey, remember Mommy has
a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied,"but what is growing in your butt?"
**********************************************
blue ones and cold beer
Phil