Handy Tips

[QuickDraw 0]

A friend sent me these "Tips"
you may have seen some of em anyway but there are some real gems here
ps:sorry about the format (no time to edit)
> >Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
> >else to hold them while you chop away.
> >
> >Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
> >at people as they walk up the aisle.
> >
> >Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
> >chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*cking
> >thing in the first place, you fat b*stards.
> >
> >Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
> >morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
> >full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the
> >wall.
> >
> >Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
> >pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
> >
> >Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
> >by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
> >then urinating into it, before jumping in.
> >
> >If someone is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
> >jug of boiling water down their throat and hey presto! The blockage is
> >almost instantly removed.
> >
> >Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p*ssed, lie in
> >a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over
> >the fence.
> >
> >Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
> >slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
> >
> >X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
> >drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
> >place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
> >'erased'.
> >
> >Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
> >the object you wish to view.
> >
> >Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
> >fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
> >
> >Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
> >direction of oncoming traffic.
> >
> >Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
> >
> >Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
> >cakes again.
> >
> >Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
> >imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
> >intended destination in the first place.
> >
> >An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
> >inexpensive vibrator.
> >
> >Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
> >steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
> >
> >Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
> >p*ssing in the sink.
> >
> >Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
> >buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
> >
> >Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
> >veal.Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
> >substitute etc'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
> >know any difference.
> >
> >Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
> >be made aware of their special dietary requirements,tell them about
> >yours, and ask for a nice steak.
> >
> >Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
> >missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs,call her by the
> >wrong name.See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
> >
> >High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> >while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
> >
> >Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
> >cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
> >insulate your loft.
> >
> >Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
> >sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
> >driving the wrong way up one way streets.
> >
> >Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
> >chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
> >
> >A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly
> >maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
> >
> >Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
> >ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB
> >digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
> >lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen,
> >with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the
> >morning!
> >
> >Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
> >paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
> >
> >Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
> >car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem
> >cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
> >
> >A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
> >from rolling over and going back to sleep

[QuickDraw 0]

check this out too ...lmao
Called why children should'nt have markers

[QuickDraw 0]

file too big ..doh try again

[AggieDave 6]

check what out?
Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.-General George Patton-

[TheMarshMan1 0]

Hmm....permanent marker in the eyes. I can't imagine thats too good....lol. Are those your kids or just a pic you found?

[SpeedRacer 1]

another handy tip:
To make sure the pilot doesn't have to do a go-around, get everyone out of the plane FAST by cutting a huge smelly fart on jump run. Saves fuel!
Speed Racer
"My God! It's full of stars!"

[Iflyme 0]

Words to live by... but who gave the little one the magic marker? I hope the guns are stored in a better place...