Slackers!!!! Friday Funnies

[freeflir29 0]

Since the rest of you are laying down on the job....
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"
"I only have 125 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

It's funny cos it's true .....
my mind is like a canopy - 9 cells and I'm happy

[Jumperpaula 0]

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even
though it appears useful
for a wide variety of work, it spends most
of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go
to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have
to light a fire under it... and, of
course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on
>SHOE -- male, because it is usuallyunpolished, with its tonguehanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off,it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because
it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the sameold lines to pick people
up.
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Fly Your Slot !

[freeflir29 0]

Yo mama's so ugly, she walked out of the pet store and the alarm went off.
"I only have 125 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[freeflir29 0]

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."
"I only have 125 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[Jumperpaula 0]

Food for thought....
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.
On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Fly Your Slot !

[freeflir29 0]

"It is impossible to lick your elbow"
Could be fun to lick someone elses though....."I only have 125 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

<---- See attachment !!!
my mind is like a canopy - 9 cells and I'm happy

[nws01 0]

Why are asteroids called asteroids and hemmoroids called hemmoroids. It should be the other way around...asteroids on your ass and hemmoroids in the hemisphere.
Why are driveways called driveways and parkways called parkways. You park on a driveway and drive on a parkway.
I don't get it.
Nathan

[freeflir29 0]

Famous Last Words
I'll get a world record for this.
Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
It's fireproof.
He's probably just hibernating.
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
So, you're a cannibal.
It's probably just a rash.
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
The odds of that happening have to be a million-to-one!
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
Funny, you look just like Charles Manson.
Rat poison only kills rats.
It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.
This doesn't taste right.
I can make this light before it changes.
Nice doggie.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
Well, we've made it this far.
That's odd.
Don't be so superstitious!


"I only have 125 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[freeflir29 0]

This actually happened to me once...LOLShe-Devil
Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me; I'm married to your sister!"

"I only have 125 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[freeflir29 0]

Woman Says, Man Hears
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, blah, blah, YOU AND I, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW.


"I only have 125 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[MarkM 0]

The Rules Of Horror, Obey These And You'll Survive Any Film:
* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
* If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off or go it alone.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
* Do not take *anything* from the dead.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. Likewise, if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion / castle on the hill, stay in the car.
* Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
* Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
* Never listen to any music that contains staccato shrieking violins.
* If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.
* Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
* Look at the film credits and paycheck for the other cast members, the higher the paycheck and/or the greater the number of films the more likely that cast memeber to survive. Therefore stay with them.
* The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat. (This is similar to the war movie rule about the guy with the picture of his fiancee.)
* The guy with the testosterone overdose is usually dead meat.
* If any of your companions (male and female) have elevotors that don't reach the top floor, stay away from them. They are dead meat.
* When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!
* Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.
* Never walk down a hallway lined with slightly open doors.
* If your friend gets nailed by the killer, don't just stand around and scream over your loss; run away.
* Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.
* Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.
* Never say that you'll be right back because you won't.
* You're going to be mad at this one but do as you're parents asked and stay a virgin. Have sex and you die, it's the sin element in it.
* If you happen to be in a grave yard, abbandoned house, or any other spooky place and a black cat comes out of no where acting overly friendly, kill the little bastard. As for the demonic children, this could take a while.
* Beware of talking or overly life-like toys and/or dolls. You saw what happened with Chuckie.
* Don't mess around with dead flesh to create a monster of sorts. If you succede it will ultimately turn on you and kill you.
* If you are a well-endowed female, you'll be the first one to die, especially if you take you're clothes off.

[skymama 37]

Quote

It's probably just a rash.

That's what you told me when I was in Atlanta, Clay!
Andrea
The brave may not live forever, but the timid may not live at all.

[freeflir29 0]

"That's what you told me when I was in Atlanta, Clay!"
It was....The cream, laser treatments, and pennicillan took care of it!!!
"I only have 125 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[Jumperpaula 0]

These are the good kind of mushrooms.
Fly Your Slot !

[indyz 1]

Quote

Food for thought....

92.5 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
--
Brian
Homepage

[Jumperpaula 0]

' The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat. (This is similar to the war movie rule about the guy with the picture of his fiancee.) '
That sounds like the DZ
Fly Your Slot !

[freeflir29 0]

" The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat"
I wouldn't say dead meat ...but it will sure get her lots of free drinks....."I only have 125 jumps, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[Jumperpaula 0]

Maybe, dead meat for morning DZ "as the prop turns" gossip.
Gotta love it!!
Fly Your Slot !

[SpeedRacer 1]

Quote

People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second

how could you tell if your heart stopped for a millisecond?! It takes about a full second to beat once!
Actually I had heard that the bless you thing was an old superstition that when you sneeze, a devil can leap into your mouth.
But what I don't understand is: When you sneeze, you spew a lot more bacteria than you do when you burp. And yet, when you sneeze, OTHER people say "God bless you" to you, but when you burp, YOU'RE supposed to apologize!
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[SpeedRacer 1]

Quote

* Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.

But then how would Clay ever get home??
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[SpeedRacer 1]

Quote

* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[Jumperpaula 0]

Dude, your scary!
Fly Your Slot !