joke de juer

[lummy 4]

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
into the seat next to him.
The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks,
"And why don't you get me a whisky you bitch."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a
whisky
for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the
stewardess
the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky you
slut."
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but
still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try
the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench,
I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that
disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and
thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says,
"For someone who can't fly, you sure are a cocky bastard."
Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest....

[nws01 0]

How did they hear each other in freefall? I can't hear anybody talking in freefall.

[SpeedRacer 1]

Haven't you ever seen Point Break???
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[Jessica 0]

I love parrot jokes!
A woman is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

[lummy 4]

That's it JESSICA!!!
NO MORE JOKES FROM YOU WHILE I'M DRINKING COFFEEE!!!!
It hurts when you do that ;)
Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest....

[Jessica 0]

A woman went to a pet store and settled on a parrot marked $50. She asked the shop keeper why the parrot was so cheap, and he said, "Well, I have to tell you, the bird's last owner was a madam at a bordello and he occasionally makes off-color remarks that may offend some people."
Thinking that the price was right and she could handle a little raunchiness, she took him.
When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam."
"That's not so bad," she thought. A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new tarts."
Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.
Later that evening, her husband Ray came home. The parrot again spoke up. "Hi Ray!"

[Jessica 0]

Lummy -- then quit drinking coffee!!
A Canadian walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. "Hey, he's really neat," says the bartender. "Where'd you get him?"
"In Canada," says the parrot. "There's millions of 'em."

[SpeedRacer 1]

Late one night Renes Descartes was in a bar.
The bartender said to him: "Hey, it's last call. Can I get you anything?"
Descartes said, "I think not." And he disappeared.
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[Jessica 0]

A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[scottbre 0]

Quote

Late one night Renes Descartes was in a bar.
The bartender said to him: "Hey, it's last call. Can I get you anything?"
Descartes said, "I think not." And he disappeared.

Funny. Too bad many people won't get that. "Let the rabbits wear glasses. . . "

[Jessica 0]

Last one....
This woman's husband died at sea and she received his parrot as the only possession by which to remember him. Even though it was foulmouthed, she put up with it for sentimental reasons.
After several unsuccessful months of trying to coerce the parrot to change his "sailor" ways, she finally issued him an ultimatum, "I'm having the bridge club over today and if one swear word is heard in the room, I'm going to feed you to the cat!"
The parrot mulled this over and decided he had better start reforming or he was soon to become kitty fare.
Later that day, the ladies started showing up. Unfortunately, one very large, elderly, snobbish-type woman sat down right by the corner where the parrot's cage was. After a few hands of cards, there was a refreshment break and the conversation really started getting heavy. The parrot didn't care much for the conversation or the attitude of the lady. The more she talked, the more he got these twinges to do something to get rid of her.
Finally the parrot had it and piped up with, "Whore boat leavin' for China at two o'clock!"
The woman looked up and said, "Well! I never!" then she stood up and headed for the door.
Everyone is frozen in their seats when the parrot yelled after her, "Hey! Where are you goin'? Boat don't leave till two!"

[SpeedRacer 1]

so Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
and the bartender says, "Olive or Twist?"

Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[SpeedRacer 1]

a skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?"
The skeleton says, "I'll have a beer...and a mop!"
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[SpeedRacer 1]

a grasshopper walks into a bar.
the bartender says, "Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper says, "Why would anyone name a drink 'Bob' ???"
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[MarkM 0]

It's disturbing that racer knows nothing but bar jokes and that they're all bad.

[SpeedRacer 1]

MarkM walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls.
He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[MarkM 0]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey pal, why the long face?"
When did this become the bad joke thread?

[lummy 4]

In response to Scottbre's

Quote

Funny. Too bad many people won't get that.

Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
Answer: Pay for the pizza.
Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest....

[scottbre 0]

Quote

Answer: Pay for the pizza

LOL!
Matt Groening has a degree in philosophy. "Let the rabbits wear glasses. . . "

[Slowfaller 0]

A pirate walks into a bar w/ a parrot on his shoulder and asks the bartendter for a captain and coke. The bartender informs the pirate that animals are not allowed in the bar and he'll either have to leave or ditch the parrot. The pirate agrees and tells the bartender he'll drop the parrot off on his ship thats outside. Upon returning, minus the parrot, the pirate asks for that captain and coke. The bartender says fine but asks what that steering wheel is doing in the pirates pants. The pirate responds,
"Geeeaarrrrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts"

I'll go to college; learn some big words; I'll talk real loud god damn right I'll be heard.

[lummy 4]

hehehe...
I have a very good friend who has a masters in PHilosophy from UCB. He's STILL working at an Alphagraphics.....
Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest....

[kingbunky 3]

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
"Jumping out of planes for the thrill of it all."
-J.Geils Band

[lummy 4]

Uhh.... did you add the parrot part?
Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest....

[Slowfaller 0]

Nope thats how the joke was told to me. It would seem that way though wouldn't it.
That parrot is no more! Its has ceased to be!
I'll go to college; learn some big words; I'll talk real loud god damn right I'll be heard.

[billvon 3,111]

A priest, a rabbi and a hooker walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"
-bill von