Texas Chilli Cook-off

[hottamaly 1]

TEXAS CHILI -
> These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK (who's name
> was changed to protect the innocent), who was visiting Texas from New
> Jersey...
>
> "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair
> in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
> Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I
> happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the
> other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true
> taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be
all
> that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
> tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."
> ===============================================================
> Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
> paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out.
> Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> ===============================================================
> Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed
> to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
> the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when
they
> saw the look on my face.
>
> ===============================================================
> Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
> have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid
> pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
> I'm getting shit-faced.
>
> ==============================================================
> Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
>
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste
> it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
> 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
> eating.
>
> ==============================================================
> Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
> and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed
offended
> when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
> tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It
> really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw those rednecks!
>
> ==============================================================
> Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
> and peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb.
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
> flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
I
> need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
>
> ==============================================================
> Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili
> peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
> Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
> feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match
my
> damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
I've
> decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
hole
> in my stomach.
>
> ==============================================================
> Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending.... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
> not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out,
> fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he'll make
it.
> Poor Yank. Good Night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
SKYDIVING GAVE ME A REASON TO LIVE....

[AggieDave 6]

I thought of this when I posted that other post...didn't have it to post along, though
"I'll take Famous Titties for 400..."