Friday Funny

[Slowfaller 0]

"Finally, the new Darwin Awards are here!!!
1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
2. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.
3. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt
to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman
lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
county police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped bunch of these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end
to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that
he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
"major trauma".
5. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend -- no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized.
6. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building,
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc.,
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you....?). Witnesses
later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his
pocket and retrieving an object, that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found
of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the
explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been
thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
~Runner-up category:
7. A Jacksonville, Florida woman recently had to summon emergency help
after dragging her husband down the street behind their pickup truck.
Chief Petty Officer Roman Styles, U.S. Coast Guard Station Jacksonville,
was treated and released with a slight concussion and scrapes and
bruises. It seems that Styles decided to repair damaged shingles on his
house himself, instead of paying a contractor to do it for him. Prior to
climbing up on his steep roof, Officer Styles tied a safety rope to the
trailer hitch of his truck. Once on the peak of his roof he secured the
other end of the line around his waist. He then slid over the top of the
roof to repair the shingles. As luck would have it, right after he
started to work, his teenage son called for a ride home from a Boy Scout
trip. Jane Styles yelled to her husband she'd be right back and pulled
away.
"I didn't see the rope," Mrs. Styles said, "until I saw it in the
rear-view mirror. By then I was half-way down the street." Bill Schlimm,
a next door neighbor, said, "I'll never forget the look on Roman's face
as he came sailing over the peak of that house. If it hadn't been for
that tall cedar tree he would have been really hurt."
8. This would-be shoplifter in London attempted to steal two lobsters.
This ingenious felon stuffed the lobsters into his trousers and headed
for the door of the supermarket. Near the exit, our larcenous Londoner
doubled over in excruciating pain and lay on the floor screaming. It
seems that the lobster's claws were not tied and one of the tasty
crustaceans decided to have the thief's family jewels for lunch. The
paramedics were called in to remove the carnivorous crustacean from the
very sensitive portion of this thief's anatomy. After they stopped
laughing, a pair of pliers successfully accomplished the removal much to
the relief of our suffering suspect. No information was available on the
extent of the member's injuries or his future fatherhood potential."
I'll go to college; learn some big words; I'll talk real loud god damn right I'll be heard.

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

There's a word that describes this situation ........ Ooops.
You shouldn't put a knife in the toaster - but you're an adult now !!!

[MrHixxx 0]

What I wanna know is how did the lobster get the beans above the frank???
-Hixxx
"Sous ma tub, Dr. Suess ma tub"

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

I still like the one where 2 guys went out with a box of 1/2 sticks of dynamite, planning on throwing them out of the car window and driving off, scaring people. But they had a flaw in their plan .... They left the window SHUT and the dynamite bounced back and blew the car up !! Fools.
You shouldn't put a knife in the toaster - but you're an adult now !!!

[QuickDraw 0]

"I'll never forget the look on Roman's face
as he came sailing over the peak of that house. If it hadn't been for
that tall cedar tree he would have been really hurt."
ROFLMAO
There is no spoon.